Motherhood

From as long as I can remember I've always wanted to be a mother.  I remember being a child and playing with my dolls - dolls were always my most favourite toys.  I would happily push around my toy pram pretending I was already a mother.  I didn't stop playing with them until I was about 12 years old which is a lot older than most of my friends.

Later in my teenage years whenever I imagined my adult life I would have children around me.  I daydreamed I'd have a lovely husband and 3 or 4 children.  When other kids my age had big dreams and ambitions deep down my real ambition was to become a mother.  When I finally met a boy I wanted to have sex with I was responsible enough to use contraception but I was waiting and hoping for the time to come when I was settled enough to have a baby of my own.

I was lucky enough to meet someone special when I was 20 who was happy to settle down with me and start a family.  We bought a flat with 2 bedrooms and at the age of 20 we stopped using contraception.  We were young but very much in love.  It was such an exciting time.  Back then I really believed that all my dreams were about to come true.  Months past and nothing happened.  Each month I would wait and pray that my period was late.  If it was even a day late I'd enthusiastically take a pregnancy test.  Every month it was negative.  Months turned into a year and I realised that my dream of having my own family might not be so easy to achieve after all.  After 18 months we got medical advice and we went through a barrage of tests.   Each test would come back normal and in the end we where told that the infertility was unexplained.   We where put on the IVF waiting list and told to "keep trying on your own and hope for the best".  I was devastated.  I stopped taking pregnancy tests all the time and just put all my hopes in the IVF working.  The IVF waiting list is long, 3 years plus and in Edinburgh you get 3 attempts on the NHS so we where prepared for a long wait.

Another few years passed and at this point we had been having unprotected sex for 5 years.  I had lost all hope of ever conceiving a baby naturally and it didn't even occur to me to check if I was pregnant anymore. Randomly one day my breasts started to hurt and over the next couple of weeks started to get bigger.  I started to feel sick all the time and in the end I was convinced by a good friend that I should take a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side.  I have taken LOTS of pregnancy tests over the years and every single time they had been negative so I was not hopeful at all.  I waited till morning when I would be alone.  For some reason I always tested alone, because then I could cry my eyes out at yet another negative result, pick myself up and get on with my day without having to face anyone else.  I sat on the toilet with my little dip stick and collection cup.  I placed the stick in my urine and then put it down on the side of the bath trying not to look at it because like the many times before I would wait the 5 minutes until the test had finished then go back and check.  However out the corner of my eye I saw it already looked positive.  I took a double take, held it up and looked at it again.  Then got the instructions out to double check that I wasn’t’ seeing things.  I started to physically shake the test was definitely positive.  I was so happy I was crying, I couldn't believe it after 5 long years finally we where going to have the baby we had dreamed off and planned for so long.

It was not an easy pregnancy I was sick constantly and there was bleeding off and on but I was happier than I had ever been.  However at 13 weeks I started to bleed really heavily and I just knew something was very wrong.  I went back and forward to the hospital and each time they would check the baby's heart beat and then send me home.  I would be back a few days later still in agony and still bleeding but they refused to give me another scan.  At 16 weeks gestation I decided to visit another hospital to try and get some help.

In the end it turned out that my waters had already broken (something I had suspected but the other hospital hadn't taken seriously) I also had a massive infection.  The baby was still alive but could not survive.

I had to go through the whole process of labour which took 2 days and in the end I gave birth to a tiny little boy.  He was born still but he was perfect.  We called him Samson.  At first I was to afraid to look at him and I asked the nurses to take him away but a few hours later I had a desperate urge to see my baby.  The nurses  brought him through in a tiny Moses basket.  He was wrapped in a little white shawl and to me he really did look perfect.  I looked at his little face, and eyes and I fell completely in love with him.  The fact that he was dead did not stop me wanting to hold him.  His skin was very delicate, a reddish colour and transparent but he looked like a baby.  He was not just a bundle of cells or some kind of alien he was my baby just very tiny. I held him in my hands and all I could think was how badly I wanted him to wake up.  We buried him in the baby rose garden and every once in a while I still visit him and leave things for him. I would still give up everything to go back in time and change what happened.

Sadly about 18 months later I split up with Samson's father.

I was lucky enough to meet Rick (my current partner 3 and a half years ago) I explained to him about my loss and how hard it had been for me to conceive and we decided from pretty early on that we would not use contraception.   As expected I did not conceive and after a year we went for the same barrage of tests as before with the same outcome "unexplained infertility"  I was put on the IVF waiting list again and since then we have been waiting.

During my life I have always had mental health difficulties but things had been manageable up until 2 years ago when I experienced a severe mania.  I was diagnosed with bipolar and then 6 months later schizoaffective disorder - (along with a dissociative condition).  Since then my symptoms have been chronic.  Hearing voices, seeing things that aren't there, depression, hypo-mania, mania, the list goes on.  Recently I spent 5 weeks in a psychiatric hospital.  Lately I've had to think very hard about how I would cope being a mother.  It's what I want more than anything in the world but could I cope with a child when my symptoms are so severe?  Sadly the answer is no, in which case I need to ask myself if IVF is the correct thing to do. 

I've come to the very difficult decision that pursuing IVF is not the right thing for us.  IVF is both emotionally and physically hellish and there is a good chance that even trying to go through the process will trigger symptoms of my mental illness and then at the end of it all I might end up very unwell and unable to care for my child.  After talking to Rick we have agreed that IVF is not for us which means there is a very good chance that I will never be a mother.

We are not going to start using contraception because if it did happen naturally we would be happy.  We both have a feeling that if its meant to be then it will be and if not then that's ok too. 

I am lucky enough to have amazing friends, some of who are parents, and some who are not.  I've been able to see first hand that it is possible to have a meaningful life without being a parent.  I have also seen first hand how difficult being a parent really is.  I feel very sad to be giving up on a lifelong dream but I also feel relieved that there is no pressure anymore to get pregnant.  I don't have to arrange my sex life around when I ovulate and I don't have to wait and pray that my period is late every month.  I just have to let things be.  In the end I will always be a mother to Samson, my little angel baby.  I hope wherever he is, he knows how much he was wanted and loved by his parents.

Some doggy poetry

My Little Brown Man
 My little brown man,
desperate to sit curled up on my lap,
you forget your heavy muscled torso
and decide you are indeed a lap dog.
 Jaws open in a half smile,
tongue drooping out at the side,
you laugh for me in excited whimpers.
 You are ignorant of your breed,
naive of the fear unfolding,
there are people who will never understand.
convinced you should be destroyed.
You! who is so full of love
you are bursting with joy.
 you love EVERYONE
licking arms, hands, and faces in an avid
furore of elation.
throwing yourself on top of new people
like they are your best friend forever.
my faithful and friendly little guy.
 You aren't the sharpest dog in the world
but your affection wins out and I love that
you like to be with me wherever I go.
There are many moments spent with you staring
as I sit trousers round ankles on the toilet.
 Without you life would be calmer
but most certainly dull.
I hope, we will go on many more walks.
with you pulling me along
your joyfulness infectious.
With you by my side I am never alone.

Canine Love

The clip click tap tapping of your claws on our wooden floors 
is ever calming,
hearing your patter in the stillness of the night
gives me the resolve to wake up in the morning and
face the cold air with you sniffing the grass.

There isn't a moment that passes
when I'm not besotted with you,
my golden furred gentle creature.
There isn't a person on earth who could take your place
the love I have for you is unending.

You are the child I will never have
and I baby you despite your claws,
if you wanted you could savage me with your canine teeth
but instead you choose to follow me loyally from room to room,
thrusting your paws into my lap so I might know you adore me.

There isn't a day goes by when I am not aware of your mortality
that one day you will depart this earthly world
and I will be left bereft.
There will an aching inside
so powerful it will bring me crashing to my knees.

For now you are my angel on earth
and I will bury my face into your soft fur
holding you tight in the night as I drift in and out of sleep
looking into your canine eyes
and seeing love look back at me,
you are and always will be my most dearest friend.

Some art and poetry by me

I am not a good artist and writing by any stretch of the imagnation but I thought I'd share some of the art I've done over the years.  It's just a hobby nothing I take very seriously.

Weight of the world

Photomanipulation Feb 2009

Decomposition of time Feb 2009 I have a frantic whim to get down on my hands and knees, on muddy soil or cold bare stone, to claw back every place that was ours, sweating blood and tears until I’ve destroyed it all. You do not deserve the privilege too share memories with me. and so I thrust, repetitively, my fingers down my already torn up throat, to purge my mind of this intolerable disgrace. You left toxins teeming round my blood, adulterated me to the point of tearful delirium. I torment myself by renouncing present-day comforts, instead voyaging back through time so I can, amputate you like an infected limb, slaughter any part of you that still broods inside me. In hope I might salvage even a second of the time I spent with you or thinking about you. You are the aching in my belly, just an echo of remorse, the decomposition of squandered time. I mourn all those moments that I cannot re-claim. You left a tumour in my heart, slowly decomposing For any chance I have of being happy, will mean carving it out serving back on a plate, Only then might you grasp the reality I DON’T WANT YOU ANYMORE!. Trip to the water  March 2009

The pretend romantic

Feb 2009

You pretended to be a romantic.
Whilst insisting outwardly 
That “really… you didn’t have a romantic bone in your body”
yet still enticing me with mills and boon tension charged words and
bowling in the odd nonchalant comment about how pretty I was, 
you couldn’t help but notice my plunging neckline,

I used to wait up for you,
late at night.
to soothe your mask off discomfort,
at this scandalous situation we found ourselves.

The first time we fucked,
you pretended to cry
and I pretended not to notice the lack of real tears.

I didn’t mind when only a few minutes later, 
you forgot your imaginary remorse
and pinned me back against the wall.

I listened to your grievance about your lack of sex life
and domestic hell,
How you aren’t the only man
who’d had an affair and “almost” run off with a younger woman.
Implying,
(that made it all ok).
At the time
I suppose it did.

I longed to rescue you, 
telling myself, (and you) that I’d fuck you, 
no matter how fat and wrinkled you became,
or how putrid the smell from your sweating torso,
I!...
would be the one to love you unconditionally.

Because
you said 
you loved me back
I could picture us growing old,
or at least you’d grow old.  I’d be the contented young wife. 
People would marvel at how I stood by devoted in the face of old age,
finally agreeing our love was true.

Of course my fantasy curdled,
you predictably traded me in.
I was never the dutiful mistress you’d sought. 
With my fanatical nature and inability to keep a secret, 
the fact I was determined
you come through with some of those empty promises.

In the end
I was far too high maintenance.

Splitting 

2009

algolagnia

2010

I have a deviant art account, if anyone wants to follow me there let me know and I will message you the link.

madness quotes and poetry

"but I don't want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.

'oh you can't help that' said the Cat. 'We're all mad here. I'm mad, You're mad.'

'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.

'You must be,' said the Cat. 'or you wouldn't have come here' "

Lewis Carrol

Like a Manic Cow

A distorted heap of schizoid mania,

the bedlam coiled in the corner

of the bedroom floor.

Breathing

wildly,

Like a manic cow.

Come down, come down, from this dastard high.

Seductive, sly, like a snake slithering

Little by little.

Just one more moment. Please!

Wretched hunger for more of this poignant drool

oozing out of minds liqurious pie

and dribbling like chronic diarrhea of the mouth.

Come listen to what has no meaning

give caution to my consciousness,

Be with me hard,

Against the bathroom wall.

I will fuck you're mind in ways you never imagined.

By Julianne Renne aka me :P

And some quotes on mental health since my last few blogs have been on the subject :)

“I felt like a race horse in a world without racetracks or a champion college footballer suddenly confronted by Wall Street and a business suit, his days of glory shrunk to a little gold cup on his mantel with a date engraved on it like a date on a tombstone.” Sylvia Plath "I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again." Sylvia Plath "I'd rather be mad with the truth than sane with lies" An anonymous psychiatric patient and poet Magnus. by ~flesh-box When you open up my body, You're fingering my heart I'm waking up at night-fall And crawling darkened halls Just to escape you, Magnus, Just to be alone, I'm suffering just for you, And I'm doing it on my own. You lick my flaking lips, Magnus You tickle my torn-up tongue, You've got me in your grip, Magnus I cannot resist anymore. When you open up my body, You linger in my veins, I love you like a lover And yet I hate you more each day because You cut me to the bone, Magnus, You cut me to the bone... All those nights together, Magnus When I'm really on my own. http://flesh-box.deviantart.com/#/dsnuof

Sharing some of my own art and poetry

Sharing some poetry and art I have done over past few years.

"Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe." ~Neil Gaiman

Weight of the world

Photograph my Mood

I wish I could photograph my mood,

imprison it with oil paints, smeared down pretty paper…

I'd give you a copy of this ever changing art,

so you know always which fragments need you most.

You touch me like I'm glass,

reminding me I'm frail,

but I want to be grabbed,

held tight

It really is ok to crush me,

I'm already broken.

There are kaleidoscope curtains across my eyes,

reality was painted over years ago.

The bonfires of my formal self's are still burning,

the smoke sitting in my stomach,

a hazy ghost of past intentions

hunting me down like a pack of wild hounds.

While you dream I let them take me,

When morning comes,you pull me back with arms bound tight around my belly,

repairing my faith in the passage of time

reminding me that this is now.

You ask SO, many, questions,

these days I don't wear a gag,

my mouth is drooling out these mangled nightmares

LISTEN TO ME!

You don't want this in your head because it changes everything.

The case of Lisa Strange

The Pretend Romantic

You pretended to be a romantic.

Whilst insisting outwardly That

“really… you didn’t have a romantic bone in your body”

yet still

enticing me with mills and boon tension charged words and

bowling in the odd nonchalant comment about how pretty I was,

you couldn’t help but notice my plunging neckline,

I used to wait up for you,

late at night.

to soothe your mask off discomfort,

at this scandalous situation we found ourselves.

The first time we fucked,

you pretended to cry

and I pretended not to notice the lack of real tears.

I didn’t mind when only a few minutes later,

you forgot your imaginary remorse

and pinned me back against the wall.

I listened to your grievance about your lack of sex life

and domestic hell,

How you aren’t the only man

who’d had an affair and “almost” run off with a younger woman.

Implying,(that made it all ok).

At the time

I suppose it did.

I longed to rescue you,

telling myself, (and you) that I’d fuck you,

no matter how fat and wrinkled you became,

or how putrid the smell from your sweating torso,

I!...would be the one to love you unconditionally.

Because

you said you loved me back

I could picture us growing old,

or at least you’d grow old.

I’d be the contented young wife.

People would marvel at how I stood by devoted in the face of old age,

finally agreeing our love was true.

Of course my fantasy curdled,

you predictably traded me in.

I was never the dutiful mistress you’d sought.

With my fanatical nature and inability to keep a secret,

the fact I was determined

you come through with some of those empty promises.

In the end

I was far too high maintenance.

Algolagnia

Maggot Parade

It's not like she doesn't know you're too good for her,

she's known that all along,

The awareness wrenched at the corners of her mind for months

humiliating and unyielding.

The knowledge gushed over her a torrid paranoia.

Sense screaming;

"it's not safe to get comfortable"

Not with someone like you.

her…A ruined rag of a woman,

Sometimes child,

clinging to you like a leech drinking you up,

sinking in her teeth again and again

hoping that you won't succumb to the irritation

and instead parent her like a needy 3 year old.

You took the parts of her that where meant to be strong

and bound them.

The irony of being incarcerated by lover destined to leave;

has left my endless story telling the only part

with the power to go on.

I have planned scores of poetry

and untold metaphors to convey the heartache,

the words are eating into my throat,

consuming me like a parade of maggots.

When you are gone,

I will birth my creativity,

because only then will I have the power to rot,

nourish them enough

until they fly from my hands wringing out the last of my mourning,

leaving my narration finally silent

a lonely hollow carcass.

Julianne Rennie