Dear Sunny

Dear Sunny,

Now that you’ve gone I feel very sad. Your brother Doyle is also sad. The little sociopath cat Pauli doesn’t seem to care but I guess he misses you in his own way. There is a big Sunny-shaped hole in our hearts. I wanted to write this letter to you to tell you how much you are loved and how missed you will be.

When I decided to get a dog I was young myself (for a human). I was only 21, which is barely an adult. I bought my first little flat and I knew I had a safe place to live for a long time, and so it was time to do what I had promised myself I wanted to do for forever, and adopt a dog. I didn’t want to go to a breeder and buy a puppy because I knew that there are lots of abandoned dogs needing a home, so I decided to go to the Edinburgh Cat and Dog Home to look at all the homeless dogs and give one of them their forever home. I went with my friend to the Cat and Dog Home, and in my mind I was thinking I’d get a small, older, female dog. I was open minded though to whatever dog I made a connection with.

The lady at the Cat and Dog Home showed me all the female dogs and all the male dogs but none of them were the right fit for me. We had three cats already, and so the dog we took home had to be able to live alongside cats. When we had seen all the dogs and there was nobody we could adopt I was ready to go home and try again another time, but the lady said that there was a puppy and would we like to see him. I hadn’t planned on adopting a puppy, I had no experience with dogs, let alone puppies, but I thought I’d go and look at him anyway. On our way to the puppy house the lady warned us that you were a handful. You had been an unwanted Christmas puppy and that you nipped when excited, that you had already had four homes before the age of ten weeks and just kept getting brought back. She also said that you were very full of energy and needed a lot of training and patience. She made you sound like a nightmare. She also said it was likely that you would grow to be quite a big dog, not what I had been looking for at all! I was thinking I probably couldn’t cope with you, but then when we got to the puppy house and I saw you I instantly fell in love. You were gorgeous and super cute. You ran to me straight away and tried to climb over my head! You gave me lots of excited little licks and I instantly knew you were the dog for me. I decided there and then to give you your forever home, and when I said ‘forever’ home I meant forever. No matter what, I would never give up on you. I didn’t take you home that day but I went back for you the next morning and we took you home. I don’t remember ever feeling as happy as I did back then taking you in our friend's car in a little plastic box, and I remember I brought a teddy for you to snuggle on the journey home, but instead you destroyed it in seconds!

They said your name was Rocky but I never thought it suited you and I wanted you to have a fresh start, so we decided to name you Sunny because you had such a bright personality and because your fur was golden just like the sun. Also you seemed so full of joy to be coming home with us. I also remember you had silky very floppy ears and massive paws!

It didn’t take me long to work out why you had been brought back four times. Honestly, you were a nightmare! You just destroyed anything you could. I had to take you everywhere with me in the flat because even if you were left for one minute you’d destroy something. You were hyper and I had to take you on lots of long walks and runs to try and calm your energy. I remember coming home from work one day and you had destroyed a huge tree that we used to have in the living room. I feel guilty now because I felt angry at you and I told you off quite badly. No matter what, though, I was determined to keep my promise that with me you had your forever home. We had a dog trainer when you were two telling us you were untrainable and should be put to sleep. I didn’t listen to him. It took you a long time to get the hang of toilet training. I had never had a dog before, let alone a puppy, and everyone kept telling me different things that I should be doing to teach you. It took two years! When you got there, I remember feeling so proud of you.

When you were two I adopted another puppy, a Staffy, whom we named Doyle. We were a bit worried about how you would react to Doyle, but you loved him straight away and very quickly you became best friends. From then on you and Doyle were barely ever apart. You did everything together, ate, slept, went for lovely walks, played with the ball, and snuggled. Doyle was your little brother and you really loved him. Now Doyle is missing you terribly but I hope he can sense that you are watching over him.

We went on many adventures. One of your favorite walks was through Colinton Dell, a beautiful woodland walk. You would paddle in the water and do lots of sniffing. One time you dropped your ball down a steep hill and chased after it, falling all the way to the bottom. I thought you would have really hurt yourself and was really worried but you just bounced back up and were luckily fine. Sometimes I would take you to a place we called the Happy Hill, and I would sit on top of the hill when you and Doyle played. When you were younger we would throw the ball all the way down the hill and you would have endless energy to go fetch it and bring it back. When you got older we sat together just being outside and enjoying each other. One of your last ever walks was a slow walk to the Happy Hill. We also had many walks along the canal and in fields so that you could run free. You also just loved snuggling up at home for cuddles and getting treats. Caroline, our dog walker, would take you out sometimes and you loved that too, lots of sniffing, you loved to sniff everything. She also loved you and was very sad that you would have to go to the rainbow bridge.

One of the things you liked to do most was swim. There have been many walks along the canal were you have jumped in for a swim. You also loved the beach and getting into the sea and having a little swim. You hated baths, though: you much preferred the manky water from the canal than a clean bath! You loved your ball and playing fetch, though you weren’t always great at giving the ball back once you had it! When you got older and sore it was hard to stop you running after balls, because you’d be so excited to see them that you would forget that you were older and sore now. I have so many pictures of you with a ball in your mouth. You loved to carry one back after a play but you always knew to give the ball back once we got home.

As you became an older dog your hyperactiveness disappeared and in its place came a very calm, dignified wolf. You became super gentle and sensitive. You were always loyal to me. I was often unwell myself because of depression and my mental illness. Many, many times when I considered suicide you would come to me with your sad eyes and nuzzle into me and I couldn’t do it because I knew I was your Mum and you needed me. You saved my life more than once. Sometimes when I was manic I’d take you for walks in the middle of the night. I’m sure having you there kept me safe. You would follow me from room to room; even when you were old and in pain you wouldn’t want to be apart from me for long. I would get frustrated at you and tell you to go lay down in one place but you would insist on getting up and following me from room to room, despite the fact that getting up and down caused you great pain. You weren’t a good guard dog though. Managing to sleep through a break in! That didn’t matter to me though. You were my best friend, my baby, my companion.

We celebrated 14 birthdays with you. Even though I knew that 14 was very old for a German shepherd–type dog I wanted even more birthdays with you. I wanted you to be around for a very long time because I loved you so much. Sadly being 14 means you were indeed very old. I could see that you were tired and I could see that you were in pain. I kept trying to fool myself that you were okay, but in reality you were in constant pain and your hips kept giving way on you leaving you lying in a very uncomfortable painful position. I’d pull you back up, which hurt you more. I noticed that you had stopped wagging your tail and that you were often panting heavily and pacing about in pain. We took you to the vet lots of times to get medicine to help you, and I was so sad when the medicine didn’t work, because I so badly wanted to ease your pain and keep you here with me longer. I think that was a bit selfish of me because you didn’t deserve a single moment in pain. Towards the end it was too difficult for you sometimes to even get up and poo or wee and you were just doing it lying down and looking really sad. I had to clean you up with baby wipes and reassure you that you weren’t in trouble. In the end I had to make that horrible decision that no dog parent ever wants to make that it was time for you to go across the rainbow bridge and be free of pain.

You always hated the vet but on the day you passed you didn’t fight at all. Our very kind vet agreed with us that it was time and she could tell that you didn’t have long anyway because your blood pressure had dropped seriously low. She gave you some medicine that would gently make you go to sleep. I sat on the floor with you stroking your head and under your chin just the way you always liked it and you lay down with me and drifted off into a very deep sleep. Howard was there stroking you too. You knew at the end how loved you were. Before you died the sedation made your body totally relax and the vet said that you weren’t in pain anymore. You died very peacefully knowing how loved you were.

I will miss you forever. Doyle is very sad to have his brother gone and I’m trying to give him as much love as possible so he feels loved. I’d do anything to have you back and I hope wherever you are now you are not in pain anymore and can run free and chase balls just like you love to do. I hope one day you come back to me, in another life or another form. The flat feels emptier and to no longer having you under foot and a tripping hazard is strange. I couldn’t even go to the toilet without your wee face popping through the door! I hope you are at peace and free of all your pain. I hope you understand why I let you go and that you know how loved you were. I miss you, dear old wolf, and I think I’ll always miss you. Thank you for giving me an amazing 14 years it was an honour to have you as my dog.