Polyamory Q & A

I wanted to write something that wasn’t totally focused on mental health – something that shows I have more to my life than just schizoaffective disorder. I was thinking about what the other things are about me that are different and stand out, and the one thing that kept popping into my mind was the way I do love and polyamory. There are many people who don’t know how this works, or who might have misconceptions, so I’m going to try and break it down. This will be a balanced view though, both good and bad and also based on my experiences of doing egalitarian polyamory. The short explanation of egalitarian polyamory is that it is just polyamory without a hierarchy, so there is no primary or secondary and everyone is on an equal footing and nobody can demand that their needs come first: rather, each situation and need is considered in the moment.

How long have I been polyamorous and why did I become poly?

I started being polyamorous at the age of 21 in my first adult relationship. At the time though we didn’t know what polyamory was and so we just said we were in an open relationship, until eventually we stumbled across the term polyamory. I can’t remember when that was because I’m 35 now and this was 14 years ago!

I decided I wanted to have an open relationship early on because even though I’d met someone and we had bought a flat and were stable together (yes I really did buy my first home at 21), I was sensible and realised I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to experience love (and sex) with other people, also I didn’t want to break up from my then partner to explore connections with others. If I’m honest, it got off to a rocky start. I ended up sleeping with someone without getting my partner’s permission and that meant he felt I’d cheated on him. We worked through it though and got better at doing it the longer we practised. In the end we did break up, but our break up was unrelated to polyamory and more just that we grew apart as a couple who got together very young. I don’t regret my time with him, though, and I learned a lot from our relationship and our polyamory.

When do you tell potential dates that you are poly?

I am completely out as polyamorous so I tell people straight of the bat, before they are even potential dates. In my dating profiles on Tinder and OkCupid it says that I am poly in my profile, and I double check that potential dates have read my profile and understand what polyamory is before anything progresses any further.

Are all my partners also polyamorous?

At the moment neither of my partners is in a romantic relationship with anyone else. One of them (my longest-standing partner) does identify as poly and the other one is open to explore it but isn’t sure yet. It is possible to have a monogamous person be in a relationship with a polyamorous person, but they have to be accepting and able to handle their partner dating other people, and this I imagine would be very hard for someone who is mono. However I am not saying it can’t be done because I have heard of people making it work.

Would you ever just have one partner?

I am at the point in my life where I really would quite like to ‘try’ monogamy. I don’t regret the years I’ve been polyamorous. I’ve had some wonderful life experiences and I wouldn’t change a thing! It is a joy to be polyamorous and to have so much love in your life and heart. I’ve found the freedom to explore any relationship that develops incredibly freeing and amazing. I wouldn’t be with Howard (my longest-standing partner) if I hadn’t embraced polyamory, however, polyamory is hard work. There are so many people involved and everyone's needs and feelings need to be taken into consideration. For the simple reason that there are more people involved, it is often the case that someone gets hurt. Often that person has been me, but also I have (recently) been the cause of someone else's heartache, and this makes me feel so so bad. I am now at the point where trying monogamy is something I would really like.

People reading this have to remember though that I have never had a monogamous relationship in my entire life. I have no clue if I would be capable of it. It feels alien to me. For me it’s very appealing to give it a try but I don’t really know how to go about it! For example, at the moment I’m with two men. One relationship is more serious and committed and the other one is more free and fun. I can’t imagine giving up either, so I’ve decided to just keep things how they are just now and watch what develops. The idea is not to add anyone new. Right now things are kind of in limbo. I know it’s likely to change and resolve at some point but I have no idea what’s going to happen. The short answer is yes, I would like to try monogamy.

Would I ever consider getting married or having children?

I would love to get married, it would be every dream I had coming true, but it’s so very complicated. I would also consider having a handfasting, and have spoken about it, or even just a commitment ring would make me happy. Right now I’m just happy that things have worked out so I see Howard (my more serious partner) more often than I ever have before. Since getting out of hospital I have seen him lots and it makes me happy to have him spend extra nights at mine, and see him much more than I used to (that in itself is a dream come true).

At some point in the future I would love to just live with Howard. He knows how I feel about this. I don’t know how to make that happen, or how things are going to develop with the changes that have already come about. I’m in limbo and I may stay in limbo for some time. What I have decided is that even though many people would just walk away and “find somebody else” if living together or marriage were possibly not going to happen, I will not do this. It’s easy to be impatient and demanding if things aren’t progressing as quickly as you want, and at the speed you want, however, I’m not going to do that. I think even Howard doesn’t understand just how much I love him, and how good for me he is. If I only get more sleepovers with him for now then I’ll take that because I want to stay in a relationship with him because he makes me happier than any human ever has and also because I feel like he looks out for me. The only thing that would make me leave him would be if he started treating me poorly, abusing me (mentally or physically) or gaslighting me. He is unlikely to do any of those things though and the truth is nobody in my entire life has treated me with so much love and kindness. I think the relationship I have with him is very special and that those kinds of relationships don’t come about very often, so I’m completely committed to him. For me it’s a once in a lifetime kind of love. I’m committed to be with him for life and I don’t need a piece of paper to know that this is what feels right.

As for having children, I am infertile due to my endometriosis and I also have a very serious mental health condition, plus autism. I simply don’t think it would be a good idea for me to have a baby. I’d need IVF and I just don’t think going through that would be good for me. I have to make and find meaning in other areas of my life. It’s important to note that many polyamorous people do have children and it seems to do no harm to bring a child up in a polyamorous family. In my opinion, it just means more parental figures to give love and support to the child.

Isn’t polyamory just cheating?

No, no, and NO! Polyamory is not cheating. There should be no lies and no deceit. I am always upfront and honest with any partners I have about who I’m in a relationship with and who even I would like to explore a connection with. They do the same for me. Polyamorous people have to quickly develop good communication and listening skills. Those skills I’d also put to use in any mono relationship too, because good communication is important in any relationship, especially romantic ones.

Do polyamorous people get jealous?

I can’t speak for every polyamorous person but yes I get jealous and from my experience most poly people do. Not even just a little bit. I have experienced crazy, heart-wrenching, gut-churning, sobbing kind of jealousy. The key difference is how I deal with jealousy. Rather than leave my partner(s) or demand they never do anything that might make me jealous again, instead I wait for it to pass (and yes there are times when I’ve been dramatic about it!) Once it’s passed or at least once the intensity is not so strong I evaluate it and I work out what the underlying cause of the jealousy was. Jealousy rarely comes on its own, usually there is an emotion in the background. So a feeling of inadequacy, a feeling of insecurity, of not feeling good enough, of not feeling special enough to my partner, etc. I never hide the fact that I’m experiencing jealousy. As soon as the opportunity arises I tell my partner “this is how I’m feeling, can we talk, can we reconnect”. Then I talk, and talk and talk. I write it all down. I exchange messages because sometimes for me writing is a better way to communicate. If during the initial period I was unreasonable to my partner, I apologise and we just keep talking.

Not only do I have to deal with my own jealousy, I have to deal with my partners’ too and my partners’ partners’. It goes on and on and on through the chain. When I say you have to communicate in order to be successfully polyamorous, I’m really not joking. It requires a level of openness that, if I think about it, is frightening, because that level of honesty leaves me very vulnerable. Some people might say my Asperger’s might make me poor at communication but actually for me it’s the opposite. I don’t have the ability to hide my emotions and I am very blunt, so I am a very clear communicator. I don’t play games. If you are the type of person that does play games you need to stop that if you want to do poly successfully!

“Isn’t this a lot of work?” Yes it’s a hell of a lot of work but it’s also very rewarding, to grow and develop and move on as a couple whilst creating new relationships and bonds. Yes it is hard work and no it isn’t easy. I’m not going to sugarcoat it and tell you it’s all love and roses. Your life can be full of love but you will experience some difficult emotions and at times you will be hurt, and likewise there will be times you accidentally hurt others.

Can polyamorous relationships be successful?

This all depends on what your view of successful is. If you mean to last till “death do you part” then yes that can happen but that’s not the only way things can work out and that doesn’t make the relationship any more or less valid. This might not be a popular opinion amongst my fellow poly friends but I do believe that poly relationships are more likely to break up at some point. Hear me out! That does not mean the relationship failed; it just means that the relationship has changed. I often remain friends with my exes. I currently live with Rick, with whom I had an eight-year relationship. We are more like brother and sister now. I don’t feel like our relationship failed at all. I feel like we explored and learned a lot about each other and ourselves when we were a romantic couple but that we are meant to be more like brother/sister now and that’s okay. Success also doesn’t mean never hurting each other. The truth is we all hurt other people and it’s usually unintentional. That doesn’t invalidate the relationship and especially if you learn to forgive and move on as a couple or as friends then that is meaningful.

Is polyamory about sex?

Yes (for some people) and no (for others). It tends to be more about love but obviously sex plays a part. For me it is partially about sex. I love sex and I think of myself as an ethical slut but if I only wanted to have sex with lots of people I could just as easily try swinging. I enjoy very deep connections as well as just sex. There are people who don’t enjoy sex at all who consider themselves polyamorous. People also assume I’m having lots of group sex. That is not at all the case. I’ve tried group sex a few times and it’s usually not been all that satisfying, so nowadays for me sex is just between me and one partner at a time.

The main challenge I face being polyamorous is scheduling. Making sure I see each of my partners enough that it meets their needs (and mine) and allowing for them to schedule in their other partners and time that’s important to them. Google Calendar has been my friend for many years now!

Even though I’m thinking of giving monogamy a try in the future I am in no way discrediting polyamory. It’s brought me so many experiences and developed me as a person. I wouldn’t change the past at all. I continue to believe that you can love more than one person romantically at a time. I will very likely continue to find other people attractive romantically and sexually even after I move into monogamy. It will be interesting for me to see how it feels to hold back and not act on those feelings. I will also continue to be honest about any feelings and attractions I do have and I would hope my partner will do the same.