5 things my autistic, bipolar, brain has learned about love

I started to write a blog about self harm. I can’t do it right now. It was dragging my mood down and I was getting urges to cut again, I was thinking what the fuck! I’m doing so well at the moment I don’t need to be thinking about this. I will complete that blog but a little bit at a time and when I know I’m mentally strong enough to be thinking along those lines and racking over all that stuff. I’m sure people understand. I want to write more mental health blogs but at the same time they are hard to write. They remind me how desperately ill I’ve been and it scares me because at any time I could be back in that position. Saying that, I think that the next blog will be mental health related.
So… I wanted to write a blog about something positive, something uplifting and that I would enjoy writing about. I want to write a blog about love. Mainly romantic love and what that means to me. I believe I think differently about love than others. Maybe my autistic, mentally ill brain just views things differently, plus the fact that I’ve only ever been polyamorous, I think I have a unique perspective on love and I thought it might be nice to share that with you all. So this blog will be ten things I’ve learned about love.

1 I prefer love that develops slowly.

This isn’t for everyone. I know everyone likes that rush at the start where you are infatuated and the new relationship energy is intense, almost overwhelming, but what I’ve learned (the hard way sometimes) is that to let things grow slowly works better for me. With some of my exes I’ve rushed in. Saying I love you within two weeks, making massive commitments at an early stage. It’s all so overwhelming and exciting and yes it feels amazing at the time, but when you want to build a relationship that’s very strong I’ve found moving slower is often just as incredible but in a different way. I understand that there are people who have successful relationship who did start the fast intense way, please know that I am not saying your relationship is invalid or worse. It’s just me, my autistic, bipolar, brain needs to go slow. There is a lot about me that potential partners need to get to know and understand, and it takes me time to pull down my defences.
When I rushed things I felt that the person almost fell in love with the idea of me, and me with the idea of them, our own idea but not actually who we really are. This meant a few years down the line when we did get to know the real people it was a bit of a shock, and because of my issues probably especially a shock for them. I am hard work, I know this.
With my current partner we took things very slow. Yes I felt infatuated, I had the rush, I had the new relationship energy and I felt it, I acknowledge it and I let it flow over me in a way that was enjoyable but not overwhelming. Howard will tell you that I was very honest about him from the start about what a fuck-up I am. I almost tried to put him off. I let him get to know all the bad early on. I remember we didn’t see each other a lot. Once every couple of weeks for a while, then weekly, then twice a week, then a bit more. It was all very gradual and safe and after everything I have been through I needed that. I remember after four months thinking to myself, I might be in the early stages of love with this guy. I didn’t dare say those words until we had been together for six months and even then I was apprehensive. Fortunately Howard is very sensible and careful himself and he was happy to take things slow and in fact encouraged me to take things slow and I think it’s the best decision, because when we did start telling each other that we loved each other, it was the right time. We knew enough about each other, the bad bits and the good!

2 Don’t make commitments lightly.

I have rushed into commitments with partners in the past far too often. Moving in together, having joint money together, getting engaged, (I have been engaged an embarrassing three times) all of those times early on in the relationship. In all those cases the idea of marriage was actually a bit scary and so I always put off planning weddings and inevitably we would break up. In my relationship with Isaac there are no commitments and at the moment there is no plan to have any. I think this is amazing. We can just be together for the sake of being together! It’s free, we don’t have to worry about money, housework, planning a wedding, any of those things. People might think I love him less because I’m not “committed to him” but actually I love and value what we have a great deal because it’s just pure joy and fun and very very loving.
With Howard we have commitments but the came about after three years of being together. He is committed to being my named person which basically means he has responsibilities around my mental health. He owns half my flat. We have financial commitments together connected to the flat. We have now, four years in, made a commitment to be together both in the short, medium and long term future. It doesn’t matter if we can or cannot get married; I plan on growing old with this man. He won’t get rid of me easily now. I may well still be with Isaac in the longer term too, but it’s just different and things change and evolve in unexpected ways. I certainly when I first started dating Howard didn’t expect it to get so serious.

3 The trajectory of the relationship doesn’t have to be the norm for it to be valid.

I used to think that I would get engaged, buy a flat, get married, have a baby or two and live happily ever after. My life didn’t pan out that way but I’m happy. Nothing has to be done at a set time or in a set way. Some people do all things the traditional way and are happy but many are not and divorce and custody battles are very common. I am happy with things transpiring the way they do for me, in an unexpected but often joyful way. We are polyamorous. My partner is separated but still close with and married to someone else. It doesn’t mean though that the commitments we have made aren’t solid. I would love to get married because I like the idea of the security it brings and I think with Howard I would actually go through with it! However, I’ve learned through my life that things not working out exactly how I want isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, in the past it’s always twisted in a way that brings me more love. So I’m happy. We have something special we are doing soon as a way of promising commitment to each other and I’m looking forward to that a great deal.
With Isaac there are so far no long-term commitments. Every day I go to bed and he tells me he loves me, I think we have tomorrow and I don’t think much further than that. That doesn’t mean we never will but right here and now that’s how things are.

4 With all love there is sacrifice.

I think this is something I failed to realise in my younger years, that I couldn’t have everything I wanted, and that I would have to compromise. Also people should compromise for me! I think for a long time I was a doormat. So grateful that anyone wanted to be with me and that they put up with my autism and mental health. I’m not a doormat anymore. I state my wants and needs and I am assertive to try and work out ways (even unconventional ways) that they can be met, but in return, I also expect that I too will have to compromise. With one ex I decided I didn’t want to be polyamorous anymore. He agreed and then in the end put massive pressure on me to revert back to polyamory. Basically if I didn’t agree he would leave me. I was so upset at the idea of losing him that I agreed. I think it was too big a compromise for either of us. I think we should have broken up there and then but we didn’t and as a result I met Howard and Isaac. I don’t regret it but I would never make such a compromise again.
With my current situation I would really like to live with Howard because it would be so lovely for us to have a home together. It’s not possible right now but there has been a compromise. He stays here more and we have more time together. He takes an interest in my flat and it kind of feels that we are creating a little space for us here for when he stays. He’s putting a lot of energy and resources into making our flat here nice. I don’t know what will happen long term but I have decided that no matter what I won’t end the relationship over it. If I deserve it and it’s meant for me then I think it will happen. I have much more time with him now than I ever had and that makes me very happy. I think we are at the next natural stage of our development and that things are exactly how they are meant to be. It feels right. Things have always moved slowly but that’s always been a good thing in the end!

5 It is possible to love more than one person romantically at a time.

It is, it is, it is! NO seriously, it is. Okay maybe not for you but for me it really is and only I know how I feel. I love both my partners so so much, but in very different ways. I value them both immensely and I don’t take either of them for granted. They are both very different people and we have very different ways of communicating, of being together sexually, of being close and romantic together, but I love them both. Some people might ask, equally? I don’t know. It’s so different with both of them. I think I’ve reached a stage though when I wouldn’t give up one for the other. Whoever tried to make me choose would lose. I’m not sure if I will always have two partners. There is no long-term commitment with Isaac and as much as it hurts I have to be aware of the fact that we might end. If we do end then I wouldn’t seek out a new partner but as long as Isaac is willing to be my silly, lovely, wonderful man then it will be the three of us. Now they don’t hate each other it’s even better!

I love the way I love. I think my heart is very open. I’m happy in both my relationships and feel very blessed. I think I only really started to love in a “mature” way when I hit 30. 2015 was a huge turning point for me. It had been the most horrible year romantically from hell, but meeting Howard in September was a real turning point for me. I think his calm steadiness was good for me. I wouldn’t change anything, even the painful bits with exes I had to get through to get where I am now. I like my life now. I wake up in the morning and I feel happy. I feel like there are prospects of things going even better. I think there is a lot of hope and a very positive energy around both my relationships and I feel for the first time ever my romantic relationships are healthy and I’m not being abused in some way, financially, emotionally, or physically. This is a good place to be!