5 things my autistic, bipolar, brain has learned about love

I started to write a blog about self harm. I can’t do it right now. It was dragging my mood down and I was getting urges to cut again, I was thinking what the fuck! I’m doing so well at the moment I don’t need to be thinking about this. I will complete that blog but a little bit at a time and when I know I’m mentally strong enough to be thinking along those lines and racking over all that stuff. I’m sure people understand. I want to write more mental health blogs but at the same time they are hard to write. They remind me how desperately ill I’ve been and it scares me because at any time I could be back in that position. Saying that, I think that the next blog will be mental health related.
So… I wanted to write a blog about something positive, something uplifting and that I would enjoy writing about. I want to write a blog about love. Mainly romantic love and what that means to me. I believe I think differently about love than others. Maybe my autistic, mentally ill brain just views things differently, plus the fact that I’ve only ever been polyamorous, I think I have a unique perspective on love and I thought it might be nice to share that with you all. So this blog will be ten things I’ve learned about love.

1 I prefer love that develops slowly.

This isn’t for everyone. I know everyone likes that rush at the start where you are infatuated and the new relationship energy is intense, almost overwhelming, but what I’ve learned (the hard way sometimes) is that to let things grow slowly works better for me. With some of my exes I’ve rushed in. Saying I love you within two weeks, making massive commitments at an early stage. It’s all so overwhelming and exciting and yes it feels amazing at the time, but when you want to build a relationship that’s very strong I’ve found moving slower is often just as incredible but in a different way. I understand that there are people who have successful relationship who did start the fast intense way, please know that I am not saying your relationship is invalid or worse. It’s just me, my autistic, bipolar, brain needs to go slow. There is a lot about me that potential partners need to get to know and understand, and it takes me time to pull down my defences.
When I rushed things I felt that the person almost fell in love with the idea of me, and me with the idea of them, our own idea but not actually who we really are. This meant a few years down the line when we did get to know the real people it was a bit of a shock, and because of my issues probably especially a shock for them. I am hard work, I know this.
With my current partner we took things very slow. Yes I felt infatuated, I had the rush, I had the new relationship energy and I felt it, I acknowledge it and I let it flow over me in a way that was enjoyable but not overwhelming. Howard will tell you that I was very honest about him from the start about what a fuck-up I am. I almost tried to put him off. I let him get to know all the bad early on. I remember we didn’t see each other a lot. Once every couple of weeks for a while, then weekly, then twice a week, then a bit more. It was all very gradual and safe and after everything I have been through I needed that. I remember after four months thinking to myself, I might be in the early stages of love with this guy. I didn’t dare say those words until we had been together for six months and even then I was apprehensive. Fortunately Howard is very sensible and careful himself and he was happy to take things slow and in fact encouraged me to take things slow and I think it’s the best decision, because when we did start telling each other that we loved each other, it was the right time. We knew enough about each other, the bad bits and the good!

2 Don’t make commitments lightly.

I have rushed into commitments with partners in the past far too often. Moving in together, having joint money together, getting engaged, (I have been engaged an embarrassing three times) all of those times early on in the relationship. In all those cases the idea of marriage was actually a bit scary and so I always put off planning weddings and inevitably we would break up. In my relationship with Isaac there are no commitments and at the moment there is no plan to have any. I think this is amazing. We can just be together for the sake of being together! It’s free, we don’t have to worry about money, housework, planning a wedding, any of those things. People might think I love him less because I’m not “committed to him” but actually I love and value what we have a great deal because it’s just pure joy and fun and very very loving.
With Howard we have commitments but the came about after three years of being together. He is committed to being my named person which basically means he has responsibilities around my mental health. He owns half my flat. We have financial commitments together connected to the flat. We have now, four years in, made a commitment to be together both in the short, medium and long term future. It doesn’t matter if we can or cannot get married; I plan on growing old with this man. He won’t get rid of me easily now. I may well still be with Isaac in the longer term too, but it’s just different and things change and evolve in unexpected ways. I certainly when I first started dating Howard didn’t expect it to get so serious.

3 The trajectory of the relationship doesn’t have to be the norm for it to be valid.

I used to think that I would get engaged, buy a flat, get married, have a baby or two and live happily ever after. My life didn’t pan out that way but I’m happy. Nothing has to be done at a set time or in a set way. Some people do all things the traditional way and are happy but many are not and divorce and custody battles are very common. I am happy with things transpiring the way they do for me, in an unexpected but often joyful way. We are polyamorous. My partner is separated but still close with and married to someone else. It doesn’t mean though that the commitments we have made aren’t solid. I would love to get married because I like the idea of the security it brings and I think with Howard I would actually go through with it! However, I’ve learned through my life that things not working out exactly how I want isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, in the past it’s always twisted in a way that brings me more love. So I’m happy. We have something special we are doing soon as a way of promising commitment to each other and I’m looking forward to that a great deal.
With Isaac there are so far no long-term commitments. Every day I go to bed and he tells me he loves me, I think we have tomorrow and I don’t think much further than that. That doesn’t mean we never will but right here and now that’s how things are.

4 With all love there is sacrifice.

I think this is something I failed to realise in my younger years, that I couldn’t have everything I wanted, and that I would have to compromise. Also people should compromise for me! I think for a long time I was a doormat. So grateful that anyone wanted to be with me and that they put up with my autism and mental health. I’m not a doormat anymore. I state my wants and needs and I am assertive to try and work out ways (even unconventional ways) that they can be met, but in return, I also expect that I too will have to compromise. With one ex I decided I didn’t want to be polyamorous anymore. He agreed and then in the end put massive pressure on me to revert back to polyamory. Basically if I didn’t agree he would leave me. I was so upset at the idea of losing him that I agreed. I think it was too big a compromise for either of us. I think we should have broken up there and then but we didn’t and as a result I met Howard and Isaac. I don’t regret it but I would never make such a compromise again.
With my current situation I would really like to live with Howard because it would be so lovely for us to have a home together. It’s not possible right now but there has been a compromise. He stays here more and we have more time together. He takes an interest in my flat and it kind of feels that we are creating a little space for us here for when he stays. He’s putting a lot of energy and resources into making our flat here nice. I don’t know what will happen long term but I have decided that no matter what I won’t end the relationship over it. If I deserve it and it’s meant for me then I think it will happen. I have much more time with him now than I ever had and that makes me very happy. I think we are at the next natural stage of our development and that things are exactly how they are meant to be. It feels right. Things have always moved slowly but that’s always been a good thing in the end!

5 It is possible to love more than one person romantically at a time.

It is, it is, it is! NO seriously, it is. Okay maybe not for you but for me it really is and only I know how I feel. I love both my partners so so much, but in very different ways. I value them both immensely and I don’t take either of them for granted. They are both very different people and we have very different ways of communicating, of being together sexually, of being close and romantic together, but I love them both. Some people might ask, equally? I don’t know. It’s so different with both of them. I think I’ve reached a stage though when I wouldn’t give up one for the other. Whoever tried to make me choose would lose. I’m not sure if I will always have two partners. There is no long-term commitment with Isaac and as much as it hurts I have to be aware of the fact that we might end. If we do end then I wouldn’t seek out a new partner but as long as Isaac is willing to be my silly, lovely, wonderful man then it will be the three of us. Now they don’t hate each other it’s even better!

I love the way I love. I think my heart is very open. I’m happy in both my relationships and feel very blessed. I think I only really started to love in a “mature” way when I hit 30. 2015 was a huge turning point for me. It had been the most horrible year romantically from hell, but meeting Howard in September was a real turning point for me. I think his calm steadiness was good for me. I wouldn’t change anything, even the painful bits with exes I had to get through to get where I am now. I like my life now. I wake up in the morning and I feel happy. I feel like there are prospects of things going even better. I think there is a lot of hope and a very positive energy around both my relationships and I feel for the first time ever my romantic relationships are healthy and I’m not being abused in some way, financially, emotionally, or physically. This is a good place to be!

Polyamory Q & A

I wanted to write something that wasn’t totally focused on mental health – something that shows I have more to my life than just schizoaffective disorder. I was thinking about what the other things are about me that are different and stand out, and the one thing that kept popping into my mind was the way I do love and polyamory. There are many people who don’t know how this works, or who might have misconceptions, so I’m going to try and break it down. This will be a balanced view though, both good and bad and also based on my experiences of doing egalitarian polyamory. The short explanation of egalitarian polyamory is that it is just polyamory without a hierarchy, so there is no primary or secondary and everyone is on an equal footing and nobody can demand that their needs come first: rather, each situation and need is considered in the moment.

How long have I been polyamorous and why did I become poly?

I started being polyamorous at the age of 21 in my first adult relationship. At the time though we didn’t know what polyamory was and so we just said we were in an open relationship, until eventually we stumbled across the term polyamory. I can’t remember when that was because I’m 35 now and this was 14 years ago!

I decided I wanted to have an open relationship early on because even though I’d met someone and we had bought a flat and were stable together (yes I really did buy my first home at 21), I was sensible and realised I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to experience love (and sex) with other people, also I didn’t want to break up from my then partner to explore connections with others. If I’m honest, it got off to a rocky start. I ended up sleeping with someone without getting my partner’s permission and that meant he felt I’d cheated on him. We worked through it though and got better at doing it the longer we practised. In the end we did break up, but our break up was unrelated to polyamory and more just that we grew apart as a couple who got together very young. I don’t regret my time with him, though, and I learned a lot from our relationship and our polyamory.

When do you tell potential dates that you are poly?

I am completely out as polyamorous so I tell people straight of the bat, before they are even potential dates. In my dating profiles on Tinder and OkCupid it says that I am poly in my profile, and I double check that potential dates have read my profile and understand what polyamory is before anything progresses any further.

Are all my partners also polyamorous?

At the moment neither of my partners is in a romantic relationship with anyone else. One of them (my longest-standing partner) does identify as poly and the other one is open to explore it but isn’t sure yet. It is possible to have a monogamous person be in a relationship with a polyamorous person, but they have to be accepting and able to handle their partner dating other people, and this I imagine would be very hard for someone who is mono. However I am not saying it can’t be done because I have heard of people making it work.

Would you ever just have one partner?

I am at the point in my life where I really would quite like to ‘try’ monogamy. I don’t regret the years I’ve been polyamorous. I’ve had some wonderful life experiences and I wouldn’t change a thing! It is a joy to be polyamorous and to have so much love in your life and heart. I’ve found the freedom to explore any relationship that develops incredibly freeing and amazing. I wouldn’t be with Howard (my longest-standing partner) if I hadn’t embraced polyamory, however, polyamory is hard work. There are so many people involved and everyone's needs and feelings need to be taken into consideration. For the simple reason that there are more people involved, it is often the case that someone gets hurt. Often that person has been me, but also I have (recently) been the cause of someone else's heartache, and this makes me feel so so bad. I am now at the point where trying monogamy is something I would really like.

People reading this have to remember though that I have never had a monogamous relationship in my entire life. I have no clue if I would be capable of it. It feels alien to me. For me it’s very appealing to give it a try but I don’t really know how to go about it! For example, at the moment I’m with two men. One relationship is more serious and committed and the other one is more free and fun. I can’t imagine giving up either, so I’ve decided to just keep things how they are just now and watch what develops. The idea is not to add anyone new. Right now things are kind of in limbo. I know it’s likely to change and resolve at some point but I have no idea what’s going to happen. The short answer is yes, I would like to try monogamy.

Would I ever consider getting married or having children?

I would love to get married, it would be every dream I had coming true, but it’s so very complicated. I would also consider having a handfasting, and have spoken about it, or even just a commitment ring would make me happy. Right now I’m just happy that things have worked out so I see Howard (my more serious partner) more often than I ever have before. Since getting out of hospital I have seen him lots and it makes me happy to have him spend extra nights at mine, and see him much more than I used to (that in itself is a dream come true).

At some point in the future I would love to just live with Howard. He knows how I feel about this. I don’t know how to make that happen, or how things are going to develop with the changes that have already come about. I’m in limbo and I may stay in limbo for some time. What I have decided is that even though many people would just walk away and “find somebody else” if living together or marriage were possibly not going to happen, I will not do this. It’s easy to be impatient and demanding if things aren’t progressing as quickly as you want, and at the speed you want, however, I’m not going to do that. I think even Howard doesn’t understand just how much I love him, and how good for me he is. If I only get more sleepovers with him for now then I’ll take that because I want to stay in a relationship with him because he makes me happier than any human ever has and also because I feel like he looks out for me. The only thing that would make me leave him would be if he started treating me poorly, abusing me (mentally or physically) or gaslighting me. He is unlikely to do any of those things though and the truth is nobody in my entire life has treated me with so much love and kindness. I think the relationship I have with him is very special and that those kinds of relationships don’t come about very often, so I’m completely committed to him. For me it’s a once in a lifetime kind of love. I’m committed to be with him for life and I don’t need a piece of paper to know that this is what feels right.

As for having children, I am infertile due to my endometriosis and I also have a very serious mental health condition, plus autism. I simply don’t think it would be a good idea for me to have a baby. I’d need IVF and I just don’t think going through that would be good for me. I have to make and find meaning in other areas of my life. It’s important to note that many polyamorous people do have children and it seems to do no harm to bring a child up in a polyamorous family. In my opinion, it just means more parental figures to give love and support to the child.

Isn’t polyamory just cheating?

No, no, and NO! Polyamory is not cheating. There should be no lies and no deceit. I am always upfront and honest with any partners I have about who I’m in a relationship with and who even I would like to explore a connection with. They do the same for me. Polyamorous people have to quickly develop good communication and listening skills. Those skills I’d also put to use in any mono relationship too, because good communication is important in any relationship, especially romantic ones.

Do polyamorous people get jealous?

I can’t speak for every polyamorous person but yes I get jealous and from my experience most poly people do. Not even just a little bit. I have experienced crazy, heart-wrenching, gut-churning, sobbing kind of jealousy. The key difference is how I deal with jealousy. Rather than leave my partner(s) or demand they never do anything that might make me jealous again, instead I wait for it to pass (and yes there are times when I’ve been dramatic about it!) Once it’s passed or at least once the intensity is not so strong I evaluate it and I work out what the underlying cause of the jealousy was. Jealousy rarely comes on its own, usually there is an emotion in the background. So a feeling of inadequacy, a feeling of insecurity, of not feeling good enough, of not feeling special enough to my partner, etc. I never hide the fact that I’m experiencing jealousy. As soon as the opportunity arises I tell my partner “this is how I’m feeling, can we talk, can we reconnect”. Then I talk, and talk and talk. I write it all down. I exchange messages because sometimes for me writing is a better way to communicate. If during the initial period I was unreasonable to my partner, I apologise and we just keep talking.

Not only do I have to deal with my own jealousy, I have to deal with my partners’ too and my partners’ partners’. It goes on and on and on through the chain. When I say you have to communicate in order to be successfully polyamorous, I’m really not joking. It requires a level of openness that, if I think about it, is frightening, because that level of honesty leaves me very vulnerable. Some people might say my Asperger’s might make me poor at communication but actually for me it’s the opposite. I don’t have the ability to hide my emotions and I am very blunt, so I am a very clear communicator. I don’t play games. If you are the type of person that does play games you need to stop that if you want to do poly successfully!

“Isn’t this a lot of work?” Yes it’s a hell of a lot of work but it’s also very rewarding, to grow and develop and move on as a couple whilst creating new relationships and bonds. Yes it is hard work and no it isn’t easy. I’m not going to sugarcoat it and tell you it’s all love and roses. Your life can be full of love but you will experience some difficult emotions and at times you will be hurt, and likewise there will be times you accidentally hurt others.

Can polyamorous relationships be successful?

This all depends on what your view of successful is. If you mean to last till “death do you part” then yes that can happen but that’s not the only way things can work out and that doesn’t make the relationship any more or less valid. This might not be a popular opinion amongst my fellow poly friends but I do believe that poly relationships are more likely to break up at some point. Hear me out! That does not mean the relationship failed; it just means that the relationship has changed. I often remain friends with my exes. I currently live with Rick, with whom I had an eight-year relationship. We are more like brother and sister now. I don’t feel like our relationship failed at all. I feel like we explored and learned a lot about each other and ourselves when we were a romantic couple but that we are meant to be more like brother/sister now and that’s okay. Success also doesn’t mean never hurting each other. The truth is we all hurt other people and it’s usually unintentional. That doesn’t invalidate the relationship and especially if you learn to forgive and move on as a couple or as friends then that is meaningful.

Is polyamory about sex?

Yes (for some people) and no (for others). It tends to be more about love but obviously sex plays a part. For me it is partially about sex. I love sex and I think of myself as an ethical slut but if I only wanted to have sex with lots of people I could just as easily try swinging. I enjoy very deep connections as well as just sex. There are people who don’t enjoy sex at all who consider themselves polyamorous. People also assume I’m having lots of group sex. That is not at all the case. I’ve tried group sex a few times and it’s usually not been all that satisfying, so nowadays for me sex is just between me and one partner at a time.

The main challenge I face being polyamorous is scheduling. Making sure I see each of my partners enough that it meets their needs (and mine) and allowing for them to schedule in their other partners and time that’s important to them. Google Calendar has been my friend for many years now!

Even though I’m thinking of giving monogamy a try in the future I am in no way discrediting polyamory. It’s brought me so many experiences and developed me as a person. I wouldn’t change the past at all. I continue to believe that you can love more than one person romantically at a time. I will very likely continue to find other people attractive romantically and sexually even after I move into monogamy. It will be interesting for me to see how it feels to hold back and not act on those feelings. I will also continue to be honest about any feelings and attractions I do have and I would hope my partner will do the same.

Hearing voices and living with psychosis (10 facts)

I wanted to write a blog about what it’s like hearing voices, and having psychosis in general. People are often panicked at the thought of psychosis and to be a voice hearer carries a lot of stigma. There is so much misunderstanding around psychosis in general, and hearing voices seems to be the top of the pyramid as far as stigma goes. In this blog I will explain a little about what it’s like to hear voices, how they start and how they are managed, and I’ll also explain about other forms of psychosis that often go alongside voice hearing.

1 How do voices start?

I will give you an explanation about how my voices started but remember that everyone has a unique experience. My own voices started during my first full-blown manic episode when I was 26 years old. I’m now 35. For me I interpreted the voices to be tiny angels guiding me and giving me advice. I was not afraid and I enjoyed the experience of hearing them. I thought I was being given special supernatural powers and I believed I would enlighten the entire world. At the time I also experienced visual hallucinations of the little angels floating about me. It was a very convincing psychotic experience for me and I didn’t even question if it was real. Eventually I came down from the mania and crashed down to depression, which is a common thing that happens after mania. During the depression I had really horrible voices telling me I was worthless and that I had failed as a human being and should kill myself. At that point I was terrified that I was hearing voices, and I was aware of how other people would perceive me as ‘crazy’, so I didn’t tell anyone that I was still hearing them. I just hoped that when I got over my depression they would go away. They didn’t, and when I eventually spoke to my psychiatrist about it she changed my diagnosis from bipolar to schizoaffective disorder. That frightened me. The word schizo anything was terrifying and to have it applied to my own experience felt very uncomfortable.

2 What kind of diagnosis do people who have psychosis have?

There are many mental illnesses and disorders that can have psychosis and hearing voices as a symptom, but it is also possible that someone can hear voices and not have a diagnosis. In fact many people don’t even come to the attention of psychiatrists and mental health professionals. It is estimated that between 5 and 28 percent of people hear voices at some point in their lives, so it is not as uncommon as most people assume. Many of these people will never need treatment because their voices aren’t negative or don’t bother them.

For people who do get ‘help’ the diagnosis can vary. I have a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder but voice hearing is more commonly associated with schizophrenia. People can have psychotic depression, and also some of the personality disorders can have psychosis as a symptom, such as borderline personality disorder (otherwise known as emotionally unstable personality disorder). I have also known people with schizotypal personality disorder to hear voices. I’m sure there are others that I’ve not listed. Really the diagnosis isn’t so important. It’s just helpful to signpost a person to appropriate help, and a useful thing to have if you are too unwell to work and need to apply for benefits.

3 Do you hear the voices in your mind or as if they are coming from somewhere out loud?

Personally I hear them as if they are coming from outside my mind. Like real noise. Usually it feels like they are positioned to my left-hand side and often behind me, but sometimes I hear them coming out the walls, or just outside a door or window. It sounds (to me) exactly like any real voice or sound. I interpret that as having a radio in my ear which causes me to pick up the sounds I hear, often believing that I’m able to pick up people’s thoughts. I have in the past attempted to disable the radio but putting various things in my ears; once I even put superglue in my left ear (note, I do not recommend this!) I have however known people who hear them in their head as if having a second person thinking along with their thoughts. My voices are never muffled, but usually clear. Even when I have several voices talking at once, I know what they are saying, even if it’s hard to follow.

It’s interesting to note that it is possible to muffle them by using ear buds, or music via headphones. Many people who hear voices use these techniques.

4 Who are the voices? Are they people you recognise, or strangers?

My voices change depending on where I am in my bipolar cycle. For example I recognise them as ‘angels’ when in a manic state. I have two main voices that talk to me the most, which I call Janet and Fred. Then there are some other voices that occasionally appear, male and female, that haven’t given me names. I have a whole list of people I know whose voices I hear, the main one being Howard, which is kind of understandable if you consider the fact that he is the person I’m closest to in my life right now. However, I also hear my mum, a few friends, my abusers’ voices from the past, and a few other people that are either close to me now or who were in the past.

I also often avoid watching TV or listening to the radio because sometimes I perceive the voices to be coming through those media, like the newsreader is talking directly to me and will say my name and stare at me. I find this incredibly frightening so I don’t have a TV and I try not to watch TV when I’m alone or when I know my voices are likely to be active.

Sometimes when I’m on the bus, I think I can hear people talking about me, feel that they are glaring at me and that they have angry faces. At times this is so overwhelmingly scary that I’ve just got off the bus or phoned Howard (my partner) for a reality check. Voices and psychosis can be very difficult in crowded places because it’s easy to think you can hear people talking about you. I remember going to a busy vegan potluck once and it was mostly people I know and feel safe with, but I started to hear what I thought were their thoughts out loud: everyone was thinking horrible things, such as that I’m ugly, evil, selfish, they don’t want me there … I remember going to the toilet for a cry because I just felt so sad that nobody liked me. I get this kind of thing a lot when I’m out with friends and my voices are active – that feeling that you can read their thoughts.

5 What is the content of the voices?

One of the main things I hear when I’m hearing voices is narration. I hear two voices, Janet and Fred, talking about me as if I were just listening in on a conversation so, for example:

“She’s lying in bed, she knows it’s time to get up, she’s putting her slippers on, we are going to annoy her today, her dogs are going to die and then she’ll be all alone, nobody likes her, she’s useless, she’s a whore” …

I could go on but this referring to me in the third person is usually what I hear and then occasionally they will give me instructions like “cut yourself, kill yourself, go back to bed!”

When I hear people I know, I hear things like “She’s useless, I don’t like her, I don’t love her anymore, I wish she would disappear, she should just kill herself, die, die, die.” Sometimes it feels like a whole group of people are standing behind me all talking at once, sometimes even yelling at me in a really intense way. At times like this it takes all my willpower not to curl up into a ball and cry.

Saying that, it’s also possible (though not as often) that the voices are positive. I get my partner Howard singing to me songs that remind of of him or us. I sometimes get him telling me things I want to hear such as “I love you, you’re special to me, I want to be with you forever”. Also I get motivational voices saying “you are strong, you can do it, everyone loves you”. The positive voices are very nice and encouraging, however it can change at any moment to negative and I’d say it’s a 70/30 split on good and bad. Obviously when I’m manic my voices are almost always nice, however they also give me advice that could be dangerous, such as to climb off North Bridge and fly, walk on railway lines (which I have done) and climb up tall structures.

6 Non-medication strategies to deal with hearing voices

It is often the case that the medications that doctors give you to stop the voices either don’t work or only partially work. I get an injection of haldol once every three weeks and that works really well for me; however, the last few days before my next injection is due, I start to hear them again and often feel paranoid. Fortunately I’ve been going to a hearing voices group (at my local hospital) for the best part of a decade, and I’ve learned many strategies to help me cope with them when my medication isn’t enough.

The biggest strategy I use is music. If there is loud music being blasted into my ears, for some reason that blocks them out. Usually it has to be headphones though. I also reality check with people I trust. I can always phone or message Howard and he is usually happy to tell me that what’s happening to me isn’t based in reality and that the bad things the voices are saying are not true. Sometimes I have to negotiate with the voices. If they are being very intense and demanding I tell them I will give then ten minutes of my time at a time that’s suitable to me and I keep that agreement. I ignore them up until that point then I give then ten minutes and after the time is up, I go back to ignoring them. For some reason this technique seems to settle them down.

There are times I want to tell the voices to shut up or fuck off. I have in past buried my face into a pillow and screamed at them. If I’m out and about and have the urge to talk to them, I’ve learned to talk into my phone and then I don’t look ‘crazy’. Sometimes I write a text out of what I want to say to them, then delete it or I’ll tell someone I trust what they are saying and get their perspective. Putting music that I love on in the background can also be useful because it encourages them to sing rather than attack me.

7 Medication

I’m not going to go into detail about medication, because I have already done so recently in other blogs, but medication can help with psychosis. However it is rarely a cure and the side effects can be devastating. Medication is not the easy fix that people think it is. I have got my hopes up so many times when my psychiatrist has put me on a new medication and it’s failed. I had given up with meds until I finally agreed to swap to haldol. For me the haldol helps a lot. I’m free of voices for two weeks out of three, but I’ve met other people who tried haldol and it just didn’t work or the side effects were so unbearable they had to quit. There are lots of antipsychotics, and if you decide that you want to go down that road, be prepared to try a few. Taking powerful medications like this shouldn’t be taken lightly. Fundamentally it changes your brain, but for some people it’s just needed because having psychosis 24/7 is so difficult and there really is very little quality of life.

8 Causes of psychosis/hearing voices

The reality is that nobody is certain what causes voices and why some people have them and others don’t. It is believed that brain chemistry plays a role and something to do with dopamine levels. There is also supposedly a genetic link (a few years ago I participated in a study) and that makes a lot of sense to me, there has been mental illness in my family. Trauma is also thought to be a cause and especially trauma in childhood. I’ve been through some life-altering trauma myself and I find it easy to believe that this plays some part in my psychosis and mental illness in general. My psychiatrists’ theory into this is that some people are born with a genetic disposition to psychosis but for some it will never be activated whereas others have the genetic disposition and experience trauma and this triggers their illness. Taking certain drugs can also bring on psychosis or make it worse. For example, I occasionally use cannabis for pain relief. I have to be very careful though, because it can trigger my voices. I have to weigh up the benefit of pain relief with the risk of my psychosis getting worse.

9 What can you do to help someone who is hearing voices or experiencing psychosis?

There are many things people can do to help. The first is reality checking. It doesn’t always get through straight away but it does help. Howard will remind me that I’m not telepathic and therefore I cannot hear people's thoughts. Sometimes just being with the person is enough. I remember when I first started hearing voices I was terrified of being alone because then they would attack me. A friend staying with me during the time it was most intense was really helpful. If you can’t be there in person chat to them on the phone, or even distract them with texts or messages. Doing practical things for/with them can also be helpful. For example when my voices are bad I don’t really feel safe leaving the flat for long. Things like shopping and other errands just don’t get done. A thing that would help would be for friends/family to offer to come with me outside – not do it for me, but support me to do it, which builds my confidence up. If the person has no professional support try and explain to them that it might be important to get help and encourage them to go see their GP, CPN (community psychiatric nurse) or psychiatrist (if they have one). Encouraging them with basic tasks such as personal hygiene, healthy sleep schedule and eating and drinking are all things that friends/family can help with. As a rule though let the person do as much for themselves as possible, because you don’t want to disempower them. They should be supported to do things, not have people doing things for them!

10 Are people who hear voices dangerous?

The reality is someone with psychosis is more likely to be affected by violence than to cause it. They are also far more likely to be a danger to themselves (suicide/self-harm) than they are to hurt others. Yes, there are some people who have psychosis who have committed a crime, either because of their voices or not, but the reality is the percentage is small. You do not have anything to fear from someone with a diagnosis that contains the word ‘schizo’. People with psychosis need empathy and understanding, not fear.

I hope I’ve given some insight into what it’s like to hear voices. There are likely things I’ve not covered, and if you have any questions then feel free to ask me in the comments or you can find me on Instagram as little_miss_black_sheep, or on Facebook as Jools Christie (if you add me on Facebook please drop me a note to tell me who you are!)