I wanted to share something here that happened to me when I
was manic that I think I told some of you about but not all. Anyway it was an amazing experience one of
the most profound and thrilling of my entire life and so I wanted to share it
so I have a record of it and so people can understand what the good side of
mania can be like. Please don't get me
wrong there are a lot of down sides, tons of downsides, but this was something
wonderful and I don't ever want to forget it!
Those of you who know me well will know that I have a favourite
star in the universe. I learned about
this star from originally from Rick. (When
Rick and I tell each other we love each other we often say as much as V Y Canis
Majoris!) its a red hypergiant sitting in the consolation Canis Major. I love this start because it's so bright
(it's known for how luminous it is), and so so so very big! one of the biggest
that has ever been discovered so far (though I am sure there are bigger out
there somewhere!) but V Y Canis Majoris has really captured my imagination and
I think about it a lot. I imagine how
big it is and how bright and awesome and when I'm stressed when I think about V
Y Canis Majoris I feel calm again because I realise that compared to this
gigantic star I am so tiny, not even microscopic compared to it and it makes my
problems and worries seem insignificant which I find comforting. To put it into perspective our Sun is just a
tiny prick compared to V Y Canis Majoris!!! It's huge!!
I thought about Canis Majoris a lot when I was manic and
sometimes I would close my eyes and imagine that I was near it. This imaginary fantasy at the time became for
me much more than imaginary. I would
close my eyes and feel my body become a huge comet and this huge comet was
zooming around Canis Majoris. I could
feel myself speeding through the air and I really believed I'd become part of
the universe away from earth and away from this solar system. When it would happen I'd just stand there
with my eyes closed and my heart racing and my manic mind believing that I was
out there in space seeing my star up close.
In my mania I was somehow able to comprehend the enormity of the star
and the enormity of the universe in general.
I am incapable of comprehending it now in a normal state of mind but I
know that I grasped something fairly profound in that mindset.
That feeling you get when you are just about to go to sleep
and you start falling it felt like that only I didn't startle and stop it I
just kept falling and flying and I didn't have a body anymore, I didn't need to
breath I was just hurtling along in space beside the star and it was completely
exhilarating but with a very profound sense of oneness with the universe at the
same time. I'm frustrated because I
can't put this into words the exhilaration and speed and intensity of it where
just incredible.
These moments would last for perhaps 30 or 40 seconds at a
time and then I'd open my eyes and be back on earth and back in reality but
with a profound sense of awe that would last for hours in-between. I believed 100 percent at the time that I was
becoming a comet and travelling through space and time to Canis Majoris and I
think I believed eventually I'd be able to stay there and I wouldn't' be human
anymore. It was amazing and what's
amazing now is even though I'm sane enough to understand on a logical level
that this was mania and this was not real I am still left with the intense
memories of it. So I have memories of
being a comet and travelling around Canis Majoris. To some that might sound insane but to me
that's a gift. Nothing will live up to
that and as much as I hate having bipolar I'm glad I experienced it. It's my most vivid and intense experience of
mania ever. As I came down from my high
the experiences stopped but one day I hope I get even a glimpse of that again. It made me see the world in a different
light. It made me see that there is no
difference between rock, tree, cat, chicken, human we are all just tiny
particles in space. I often complain
about being mad and tell people the downsides but to balance it out I thought
I'd share this. I'm always wary of
making bipolar out to be sexy or "creative" because the reality of bipolar
is usually hell but I cannot deny that there are moments of beauty. I feel like I've seen something, experienced
something that nobody else on earth has or will.
