“A great deal of suffering arises because we are conflicted about reputation. Instead of being concerned about the reality of what we are, we’re concerned about what other people think of us. We’re too outward looking.” Lama Yeshe
I thought I’d write a blog about reputation because recently it’s been a concern for me and at least a few of the people I know. It made me think about why this is an issue at all. Why do I care so much about what other people think of me and does it do me any good to cultivate a good reputation?
I am not what one would regard as popular. Although I do have people who like me and who I get on with and I am blessed with a few incredible close friends who know me well enough to see past my social difficulties, it is unfortunate that in most social groups I am never someone people feel warm too. There are numerous reasons for this, principally that I make lots of childish mistakes when interacting with people. I say and do the wrong thing, I have in the past reacted to stuff in a way that’s too fanatical and I’m just not blessed with the social ease that some people have. I never learned what parts of my life I should keep quiet and which parts I should be open about, so I’m usually open about everything and I am starting to learn that apparently this is not the best way to win allies. When it comes to my opinion it has stumbled out of my mouth far too quickly and I usually manage to offend people and put them off within a couple of months of meeting. (I’m working on this) I want to learn to interact with others in a more positive and meaningful way, but I also want to let go of any feelings I have about my reputation.
Despite what it might look like I do care what people think, I would like to be liked or feel wanted in a group and even if it seems like I’m acting in a way that puts people off its never my intention.
My reputation is usually not great, I’ve ether slept with 2 many boys, I’m too mentally ill, or in engaged in some sort of social taboo such as polyamory that make’s people think on the whole I’m a bit of a freak. Recently someone even took the trouble to write to me and tell me I’m a mess and should be locked up. It bothers me that my reputation is usually bad and yet why? Regardless of what my reputation is my character always remains the same. So when someone says something that is true about me, then it was true anyway and if someone says something that is untrue then it remains untrue. I don’t suddenly become an inferior or superior person because of what others believe. What I am remains the same regardless of anyone’s opinion. I know I have some issues I need to work on, but I also know that I have some good qualities that I am trying to develop.
I’m starting to understand that it’s a dangerous game valuing oneself exclusively on reputation. Believe me I have tried and in my situation it just left me depressed and with little or no self esteem. However I also realise that the reverse is true, that if I happened to be well liked then simply believing that I am a good person because other people seem friendly towards me, regardless of my mind or motives is just as destructive. Reputation is an idealistic way of fooling ourselves. When I contemplate this in more depth I recognise that if I built my self esteem around my reputation, good or bad, my entire view of myself would have no basis at all in reality and that would mean that I would be completely unable to make progress spiritually as a person, or a Buddhist. If I believe that everyone likes me therefore I must be good then why would I look in any more depth at my actions and motives? Other people’s opinions are forever changing depending on the situation, how they feel at the time, even just having a bad day can make someone feel less fondness for others, so opinions are empty of permanence and therefore unreliable.
This contemplating started with some negative comments on this blog. It managed to agitate my mind for a day and then I read the quote at the top of this page by Lama Yeshe and I grasped how absolutely pointless it was for me to feel anything at all about the comment be it good or bad it did not change one thing about me. It inferred something that wasn’t true but the anonymous person stating this made no difference at all to the reality of who I am or what is the truth. The comment did not suddenly become true just because it had been written or said and it did not become true because one person believed it to be so. Their continuing to think negatively about me did not have to disturb my mind at all in-fact taking the effort to write the cruel comment had done more harm to their mind than it could ever do to mine.
Loosening my interest in what other people think of me seems to have some very good advantages. It stops me focussing needless energy into acting in ways that will please people for the sake of it and means that I will be more genuine in my interactions with others. It means my actions stop being all about me. Instead of thinking about me, my reputation and what other people think about me, I can turn my attention to things that actually matter.
"We ordinary individuals share the characteristic of having our attempts to gain happiness thwarted by our own destructive self-centeredness. It is unsuitable to keep holding onto the self-centered attitude while ignoring others.
If two friends find themselves floundering in a muddy swamp they should not ridicule each other, but combine their energies to get out. Both ourselves and others are in the same position of wanting happiness and not wanting suffering, but we are entangled in a web of ignorance that prevents us from achieving those goals. Far from regarding it as an "every man for himself" situation, we should meditate upon the equality of self and others and the need to be helpful to other beings." Ven. Lobsang Gyatso
Everyone has their story and everyone is searching for the same thing, to be happy, and even if they are engaging in a harmful action it’s almost always because they believe what they are doing is right and can make them happy. I’ve been in this situation myself many times, doing something I have later learned was destructive because at the time I genuinely believed that what I was doing was correct and just. I’ve put my own happiness above others on countless occasions (usually without even being aware of what I’m doing) so I can understand how easy it is to fall into this trap. We all do it without even thinking twice about it because in our head we are usually looking to meet our own needs and we aren’t thinking about other people. This understanding makes it easier for me to feel sympathy for those people I see doing harmful actions, they are just increasing there own suffering in the long run. Fundamentally deep down everyone has some goodness, I want to appreciate this inner quality in everyone rather than focus on their delusions or bad qualities.
The only way to do this is to stop worrying about my own reputation, because if I am worrying about this then all my actions become about me and my mistaken belief that my value changes because of other people’s fleeting opinions. If I’m concerned about what other people say or believe about me then that opens the door for me to get angry and frustrated when I hear negative things said about me. It blocks me from cherishing others because if I am upset about my reputation and what people believe then it will be hard for me to cherish those same people. I need to accept that I have a certain social awkwardness due to my introverted personality and mental illness which unfortunately makes it a little harder for me to fit in, that does not have to make me obsess about what other people think and it doesn’t stop me from cherishing them.
Next I need to work on letting go in the same way when it comes to Rick, because currently I am more likely to get disturbed if someone says or does something negative about him than myself. I’m working on this.
