The Buddha's head

I’ve been looking for inspiration for the blog for a few weeks. Today something transpired /concluded and I thought it would be a nice story to share J

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently about what kind of person I am. Thinking about life in a different way over the past year has given me a sharp, somewhat uneasy discernment of my own faults. For example, I know that I can be a very demanding person. As I’ve got older I have mellowed to some extent, but even now if I look at myself from an external viewpoint I can see that at times I am a nightmarish, drama creating, monster. I can be analytical about this, go over the events of my life and understand exactly what shaped my ego into what it is today (a few years of therapy and my own PCT training taught me that) but this knowledge has not prevented me from reacting in extremes. I am far too emotional and I often resort back to old habits whenever I face stressful conditions.

The main problem is that I frequently react in extremes. I am high or low, happy or sad, calm or angry and there is no middle ground. For Rick and for friends, family, ex-partners and anyone who spends time with me this is not an easy thing to tolerate. When I feel emotional I feel really emotional! That’s an incredible advantage when I’m happy and content, but it’s not so convenient when I’m angry, or upset because with the severe emotions come actions that I later regret. Deep down I know that this is not a good way to live my life. What I need is to find ways to ground myself and not be controlled by my past issues, and consequent potent emotional reactions. Although I enjoy the times when I feel happy to the extreme, this is not real joy because it’s easily interchangeable with fanatical anxiety and restlessness. Therefore because I am conscious that something relatively small could happen that will change my mood back to more negative extreme, even in my moments of “happiness” there is an underlying feeling of unease.

I have a persistent feeling of agitation because the things I believe make me happy are always things that can be taken away and so there is a chronic anxiety about when this will happen and the anticipation of the grief and unhappiness this will bring. I have a crushing need to be loved and yet any love I am given I rarely believe belongs to me. Rick is the most loving, thoughtful man I have ever met. He genuinely has the patience of a saint and yet I am incessantly fearful that his love and kindness will change into something dark. This causes me to act in ways that mean I am not always easy to be around. It also means I can’t appreciate fully the amazing nature of the love that we share because even if sometimes I get a glimpse of a realization of just how very lucky I am those moments are lasting because I can so easily burry any contentment that comes my way with my very own bubble of anxious doubt. Somewhere along the line I have learned that I am neither likeable nor lovable.

So in order to assert some control over my fretfulness I will create in my imagination a certain chain of events that have to happen in order for me to feel secure. I have a plan in my head and when things go according to plan I have temporary feelings of security. However things do not always go according to plan and often my make believe security is challenged. My plan can be simple, we will decorate the kitchen in a certain order, A, B, C and then D and even though it might not matter if B and C come in a different order because I have this set order planned out in my head if that doesn’t happen I’m thrown into a fit of anxiety and irritation.

Some months ago I had an argument with Rick over something like this. I can’t remember exactly what the argument was but it was something that I had imagined happening a certain way that was not happening the way I had planned and so I was feeling insecure, anxious and over emotional. I yelled at him, cried and generally acted in a way that was self grasping and centred on me, me, me, my wants and my needs. In that moment it felt like the small thing that hadn’t gone to plan was the end of the world.

Rick is remarkably accepting when it comes to things like this, he knows me well and understands the reasons why I react the way I do. In the first 2 weeks of our relationship I had listed off every negative quality I possessed and told him all of the things that I struggle with and why. He learned all of my history in regards to mental health and he still accepted and loved me regardless. With him there is no shame around my problem, it’s talked about frankly and explicitly, he knows what meds I take and helps me keep a close eye on that side of my health. If things get bad I can’t always see it but I trust that he will and he will help me get back to normal as quickly and kindly as possible. I think he is the first person I have been so honest with because he has never made me feel like it’s something I should hide. This honesty means that he rarely gets annoyed with me and usually he rides out whatever emotional state I am in without getting involved in an argument. I know when it comes to making plans and getting things done in the house he often does things my way so that I don’t get over anxious or feel out of control. However inevitably stuff will happen that is out of my control and I can’t always blame my ungrounded reactions on the fact that I have a mental health problem.

On one occasion some weeks ago, in my frustration I threw something across the room. This used to be a common way for me to deal with anger but nowadays I am usually mature enough to know that this is no better than a child having a tantrum. On this particular day I was stressed and reacting to something relatively small in a heightened emotional state, therefore throwing something seemed like a good idea.

Myself and Rick are Buddhist and we have a fair few Buddha’s in our front room. What I threw (I think it was an unlit candle) hit against the back of the living room wall and bounced of the piano knocking one of the Buddha statues off the piano and onto the floor. As soon as I had thrown the candle I immediately regretted it, seeing the little Buddha statue fall to the floor instantly reminded me how unacceptable my behaviour and actions were. We believe the statues themselves are to be treated with the same respect as the Buddha himself and so knocking him onto the floor in a fit of irrational irritation was as bad as pushing the Buddha himself onto the floor. Even worse was the top of his head broke off and so I had without meaning too just completely disrespected my faith, and everything I believe in all because I was not in control of my emotions.

We hunted high and low for the top of the Buddha’s head, we moved the piano, the chairs, rugs, we searched everywhere and couldn’t find it and so we had to put the Buddha statue back on the piano minus part of his head. The idea of throwing him away wasn’t an option because I felt bad enough that I had damaged him let alone chuck him out with the rubbish. I apologised to Rick and anything I had been ranting about previously seemed silly and irrelevant.

For several weeks every time I saw that statue sitting in the living room I was ashamed, but deep down I still didn’t get it. I knew that responding to situations in such an extreme way usually meant that I would do something I would later regret yet I was still allowing myself to carry on like this. I felt bad about what I had done but I didn’t change anything, I just kept thinking that I needed to minimise the amount of stress I was dealing with so I could stay calm. Thinking along the lines of, if only the flat was tidier, my job was better, I got to spend more time in meditation or with Rick relaxing then I’d be fine and things like that wouldn’t happen. I wasn’t exactly taking responsibility for my actions.

Yesterday I observed someone else who lives there lives in this kind of extreme way. Someone I know who was clearly swinging from one emotional state to another and basically acting in ways similar to how I act out. I saw clearly this persons overwhelming yearning for love and attention and understood exactly why they had certain behaviours. I was also able to see how those negative habits did the person no good and for me it was like looking in a mirror. I was feeling irritated by this person and yet they where doing exactly the kind of thing that I do myself. I suddenly realised just how other people could view me and how damaging it was for me to carry on this way. As I was walking home from the bus stop I suddenly wanted badly to find a way to ground myself and I realised that this is what I had to do if I ever wanted my emotional state to change for the better. I could see clearly why the “middle way” really was the best way to develop personally and spiritually and I made a determination that I would find a way to change my way of dealing with stressful conditions. We got home and I started to prepare a meal as Rick gave the living room a quick tidy I was telling him how I felt that I wanted to try hard to make a change. To my surprise he immediately found the top of the Buddha’s head just sitting at the side of the couch (a place I swear we have looked before). I felt so relieved to find it and it seemed like the entire thing taught me a lesson in a round about way, or at the very least it made me mindful of what I am doing. I glued it back on and he is now sitting back on top of the piano looking as good as new. It seems like now I understand what I have to change it was the right time to find his head and now when I look at him I don’t have to think about how awful my behaviour was. Instead I can remember the fact that I have made a determination to change and stop making the same mistake over and over again.

I’m certain that I won’t be able to just click my fingers and change all my negative habits at once but I think this is the first time that I actually understand that I must change this way of interacting with the world other wise I won’t ever progress in Dharma or be happy and content. I think I could have gone on with this habit for the rest of my life and so it feels really good that I can see clearly where I need to make changes. So hopefully with some work and Rick pointing out to me when I am acting irrational I can start to keep myself grounded and create as little drama as possible.