It’s been a while since I wrote a blog, and so I thought now we are into the New Year it was a good time to update.
As usual I spent a bit of time over December and January reflecting on the past year and thinking about what I would like to achieve in the New Year. I wouldn’t say these are new years resolutions more reflections and thoughts, with everyone celebrating the new year and talking about what they would like to do in the future this time always feels like a good opportunity to contemplate, get advice from friends and family and try and put some better habits into practice J This new years eve was spent quietly at home with Rick, which was the perfect way to end 2010 and start 2011.
Resolution number one to be less social.
Every year for the past 5 years I have made the same resolution that I will be more social, make friends, go out more often, and learn to be at ease in the company of others (predominantly groups). Some years I’ve had more success with this than others, often I have pushed myself to the brink trying to attain my desire to be more extroverted and accepted in a group environment. It hasn’t ever been natural for me, I dislike crowds, feel uneasy in groups and usually I value the time I have alone (or with just one or 2 people that I trust) far more than I value the time I spend trying frantically to fit into a social scene. It’s not that I don’t like people because I like most people, my discomfort comes primarily from not grasping the subtle rules and decorum of social situations. I don’t enjoy being around tons of people making small talk in the slightest. I find it draining and usually after a short time I just have to get away. If I try hard enough I can put on the facade of an extrovert but after a while the task of pretending is physically and emotionally exhausting. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life trying to mould myself into a more acceptable model of being just to please other people who take personal umbrage to my lack of desire to make endless small talk and stand around at parties looking like I’m having a good time. I found this quote which sums the whole thing up rather nicely
“The mob thinks we are maladjusted. Of course we are adjusted just fine, not to their frequency. They take it personally.
They take offense. Feel hurt. Get angry. They do not blame owls for coming out at night, yet they blame us for being as we are. Because it involves them, or at least they believe it does, they assemble the troops and call us names. Crazy. Cold. Stuck-up. Standoffish. Aloof. Afraid. Lacking in social skills. Bizarre. Unable to connect. Incapable of love. Freaks. Geeks. Sad. Lonely. Selfish. Secretive. Ungrateful. Unfriendly. Serial killers...
They bridle when we turn down invitations. They know we are making up excuses, but they can't handle the truth".
From from Cary Tennis of the "Since You Asked" column.
Despite the fact that “social butterfly” is about as far away from my nature as one could possibly imagine, I have felt disappointed in myself when around friends of a more confident temperament. It seemed everyone else was having a ball with all this partying and socialising and yet no matter what I couldn’t get it right. When I think about this in more depth I can see that there are others who are struggling just as much as I am. A close friend of mine who is one of the most sociable and gregarious of people I know recently told me that he feels lonely and doesn’t believe that many of the people he calls “friends” are people he knows well or in fact people who actually like him for who he is.
The thing is ever since I was a child I haven’t integrated well into any kind of group or social situation. I always felt like I didn’t understand these people who seemed prepared to do everything and anything just to fit in. I did want to fit in (some of the time), and I still do, but not enough that I would give in and surrender my beliefs or values just so that I might be part of the crowd for a short time. I remember all the pressure in school to smoke, drink, fuck around, or just be mean to other kids because the in-crowd had decided they weren’t cool enough to be liked. I never did understand the need to put a white stick in my mouth that reeked and tasted like crap and might give me some even more revolting, possibly life threatening disease in the future? Or lie on my back on some school boys Jacket while he has a quick fumble just so I could say that I was grown up and mature. What’s cool, or mature about that? My lack of obedience in these areas meant that pretty soon I was that isolated (un-cool) kid who was terrified everyday that someone was going to smack me in the mouth or humiliate me in the cafeteria (which happened so often I used to sit my breaks out in the libary or toilet). In my adult life I see that the school yard tactics don’t ever truly change they just get more subtle, and depending on one’s social class less brutal. It is regrettably the case that in groups people are often not collectively nice. Even if individually they all have tons of fabulous virtues, when put together in a group there always seems to be an underlying tone of bitching and gossip.
This year my resolution is to just accept things as they are. I don’t enjoy going out and being super social and that’s ok. What I get out of the friendships and relationships I do have seems far more authentic and meaningful than what I can get out of standing around at a party with lots of people I scarcely know feeling awkward. I think I pushed myself to make this determination year after year because I felt that as a young woman in my 20s it was what I ought to do. In a way I wanted to make up for all those years feeling socially excluded in my teens. I am starting to appreciate that forcing myself into situations like this is foolish. It doesn’t help me make friends, be happy or improve my life. This year I am making the determination that I will not push myself to be more social, and instead I will just spend my time doing things that are worthwhile and meaningful to me. Partying isn’t something I enjoy, and squeezing myself into a social group has only ever caused me stress and upset. I am happy staying home, being with people that I can have a real conversation with (not just small talk), and when I do talk to someone I want to give them my full attention and not a half hearted veneer of niceness that I have created to fit in. This leads me onto my next resolution...
To be less selfish
I have come to understand that I am not a nice person. I am remarkably selfish, and more often than not I put my own needs first without even being conscious of what I am doing. It is also clear from simple observation that almost everyone else is exactly the same, though it’s amusing how many people will deny that they are selfish at all. It’s subtle and it’s really easy to be unaware of what we are doing. a good example is most people would more often than not walk past a beggar in the street without giving a second glance. If we have 2 pound in our pocket would we really give it away to someone else or would we put our own needs first and make sure we had enough money so we didn’t miss lunch, or have to walk home instead of getting a bus? I get that this is part of human nature, its is built into our psyche to help us live and keep us safe from danger, but I have started to contemplate more about my sense of self and why I hold it as more important than anyone else? The truth is that balanced with everything else in the universe, the cosmos, animals, people, and even insects, I am nothing. My desires really are not important when compared to the desires and needs of every other being; the world does not end if my needs are not met. I want to try to be a nicer less egotistic person. Not just a veneer of niceness that’s put on because I want other people to like me or because its more socially agreeable to seem like I give a damn.
I actually want to give a damn.
Most people will reason that they are nice, that they really do care. I myself could argue that I am often genuinely nice to my friends and family, however I am not habitually nice to the people I dislike or hardly know. I can sit on the bus happily reading the newspaper, learning about some dreadful disaster or another in some distant part of the world, or maybe in my neighbourhood. If I don’t know anyone that’s been affected and it doesn’t directly affect me, I can put the paper down and carry on with my day never giving another thought to what kind of suffering others are going through. I have many times walked past a homeless person in the street without thinking twice about giving them help and even when I do reach into my pocket to give some money it is usually only a little of what I can afford to give.
There have been times when someone has said or done something to hurt my feelings and I have wished them harm. I have gloated and felt good about them coming to harm and I have on occasion done or said something to hurt them back. When I think about this rationally it doesn’t matter if someone has done or said something mean to me or about me or indeed anyone I know (though the latter seems a lot harder when it comes to people being mean to Rick). If they said it and meant it then the chances are they have only seen my bad qualities or at least they think they have, or what they have seen has made them feel strongly enough to believe I deserve it enough to justify their actions. Since I acknowledge and accept that I do have bad qualities and that I am not always nice, then it makes sense that some people may meet me and not find me palatable. If there are people who I am certain I have been nothing but nice too and they still wish to cause me harm, then my causing them harm back will only validate to them that their belief was correct. I don’t know how their opinion has been formed or why they do what they do and no matter how awful someone might seem to me they will have good qualities and potentials within them that I have not yet perceived.
I’ve been trying to think sympathetically about the LARP society and people who where not so considerate towards Rick last year, and striving to feel compassion and not illogical crazy anger. I’d say at the moment I’m still swinging in-between anger and rational calm. I think it’s harder for me to keep my mind calm when someone attack’s Rick because for me that feel’s worse than them personally attacking me. I know my faults are many but there is part of my brain that views Rick like a god. I know logically he isn’t faultless and that there are bound to be people that feel aversion to him but my heart doesn’t quite get that logic. (I’m working on it) I understand that I pay inappropriate attention to his good qualities and probably never notice it when he's being less than perfect.
Since I started to learn Dharma I have been striving to transform my perspective and attitude towards others for the better. Now when I see that someone needs help and there is something I can do to support them I try and put my own needs aside and do what I can to assist. Now I could say “look at me, aren’t I a nice person?” Actually, I’m still just as self-absorbed and egotistic as before because I’m only doing it because I want to be nice. It’s still about what I want (me, me, me) but it’s a start. I’m not saying that I didn’t do nice things for others in the past because I have, but not always. Often, like most people, I was so bogged down in my own bubble of stress that I failed to notice anyone else had crap to deal with too. It is incredible how much my life has improved just by making some small changes to my way of thinking. Stopping to chat to a friend who is depressed, or reminding someone how great and wonderful they are when I see that their confidence is low, has given an enormous boost to my own sense of well-being. I have been giving more to charity and giving what I can afford not just the bare minimum to ease my conscious. I’m a support worker, it’s my job to support and help people and I feel like now I can really appreciate the tremendous good fortune I have to do something that is completely meaningful and worthwhile every day I spend at work.
Because of Buddhism I have been attempting to feel, or at least understand on an intellectual level, equanimity. Thus I am striving to not hold some people who I am close to as more worthy of my regard as people I consider strangers, and not deciding that I have enemies who are exempt from this regard. In my line of work it’s called “unconditional positive regard”. It’s challenging and I fall down easily when I find someone who is antagonistic or showing traits that are less than desirable or people who are especially not nice to Rick (those people are the hardest not to dislike). I was getting frustrated with myself because I am starting to get it at least on an intellectual level but sometimes it’s really hard to put it into practice. I mean there are some people who just drive me nuts! Anyhow, I think I have found a solution (for now). At this time it is unrealistic to believe I can love or like everyone, I am a long, long way from any kind of enlightenment. Nevertheless it is entirely possible to feel compassion for these people regardless of their actions and attitudes; compassion is different from love and it is possible to feel compassion for someone even if you don’t like their conduct. Deep down I do believe everyone has the same potential for good and if someone is so caught up in delusion that all they are showing me (or anyone else) is negative hostility then they are clearly unhappy. Usually even with people who have upset me to the point of anger I can meditate on their circumstances and feel some form of compassion. I think compassion is a good start to feeling this unconditional love and regard that is the holy grail of Buddhism.
One thing that is starting to change is my perception of people as being different from me. The idea that I am me and they are someone else unrelated to my sense of self. Every so often I get a hint of a sensation of being more than just me and actually being everything else as much as I am myself. This sense has spontaneously happened in my head since childhood, a fleeting moment of not knowing what makes me, me, and that tree over there a tree, or that complete stranger over there, them. A feeling that I am not really disconnected from anything or anyone else, except that I am disconnected from myself, like the thing in my head that gives me my sense of self is temporarily cut off and I am no longer this person that is Julianne, or Jools or any other part of me that might be related to my ego. My therapist used to call this “dissociation” but actually rather than fear this feeling and see it as something to overcome I am starting to see that it could be valuable.
I have such a long way to go, my mind set is still very much me, me, me, but I need and want to let go of that. I might not care anymore if I fit neatly into a group but I do care about people. I genuinely and sincerely trust that every living being has the capacity for good, even those people who in the past have hurt me or others. I don’t think it is helpful to give even those people who have done dreadful things my resentment because I have spent such a long time either being angry or feeling like I should be angry about certain things. When I have spoke openly about some of the things that have happened in the past nearly everyone I have opened up to have expected me to be angry. I sort of felt like there was something wrong with me when I didn’t feel this anger that was supposedly rightfully mine and when I did feel angry it made me miserable. I can see now how senseless anger about the past is. If I was to walk about with a shit load of anger the world would soon resemble a living hell.
For such a long time I have staggered around in a bubble of anxiety and irritation. I held a lot of anger, and a lot of fear. I still struggle a lot with fear but my anger has faded considerably. I have related to people with this anger and fear mindset as my starting point for as long as I can remember; all my interactions were polluted by my own negative mentality. Since making small steps to change this, it’s like the bubble has burst and I can see the world in a new light. At times it may be hell on earth but there is good as well as bad and when I’m grasping onto the concept of me, and what I want, need, desire, I fail to even notice the small but powerful things that people do around me that are loving, kind and conducive to the good. There have been some small but profoundly significant changes in my mind this past year and that is mostly thanks to certain books I have read, and lessons I have attended about Buddhism and Dharma. This is why my next resolution for 2011 is...
To learn
I want to read more books, ask more questions, experience as much as I can. Not just about little things, I need to try and answer some of the questions that I have been asking since I was old enough to think logically, questions that I could easily put to the back of my mind, never find the answers to, and die having wasted my opportunity to learn. There has got to be more to this life than just getting by, working, eating, sleeping, and waking up to do it all over again. I know deep down this is not it, there is more that I am meant to learn and do with this life. To do nothing would make my existence meaningless. Deciding to go along to that meditation class back in the summer seemed like an impulsive decision and yet when I think back on my life up until now, everything fits effortlessly together to lead me to this point. I have had so many situations in my life that led me to Buddhism and Dharma that it seems inescapable that I would end up exactly where I am today. If I think about the small steps I have taken just in the past 6 months to re-evaluate my mental attitude, I can see the worth of learning and practicing Dharma. Perhaps I won’t ever gain “enlightenment” or maybe I will but it will take me 20 years of reading countless books and sitting cross legged on the floor. The fact is it doesn’t really matter, because every new piece of knowledge that I integrate into my consciousness is one step closer to being free from my own ego, and that is a worthwhile aspiration.
Let your heart be at peace.
Watch the turmoil of beings,
but contemplate their return.
returns to the common source.
Returning to the source of serenity.
If you don’t realise the source,
you stumble in confusion and sorrow.
When you realise where you come from,
you naturally become tolerant,
disinterested, amused,
kind-hearted as a grandmother,
dignified as a king.
Immersed in the wonder of the Tao,
you can deal with whatever life brings you,
and when death comes, you are ready.
Tao Te Ching – by Lao Tzu
0 comments:
Post a Comment