Mindful consumption and vegetarianism

After the rumpus caused by my last couple of blogs I thought it was time to write about something a little more positive. Before this kicked off I had been preparing to write about Mindful consumption and actually this does follows on nicely from the situation I have encountered.

Since we started to learn and practice Dharma we have become more mindful about our life in general. Thinking more about what we spend our time doing, what food we eat, what goods we buy, and things we consume. This happened organically as we became more familiar with a Buddhist way of life. Although it had already become a part of our practice to some extent, I had not come across the term mindful consumption until I read Thich Nhat Hahn’s book ‘Wisdom for cooling the flames” which talks about being more aware of the things we consume and how that affects us, those around us, and society as a whole. When I think of consumption I usually think of food, but really we consume a lot more than that. Consumption can be the TV we watch, the conversations we partake in, the people we surround ourselves with and of course what we buy, eat, drink, and intoxicate ourselves with. To quote from Thich Nhat Hahn’s book which explains things perfectly?

“Our anger, our frustration, our despair, has much to do with our body and the food we eat. When we eat the flesh of an animal with mad cow disease, anger is there in the meat. But we must also look at the other kinds of food that we eat. When we eat an egg or a chicken, we know that the egg or chicken also contain a lot of anger. We are eating anger; and therefore we express anger. Nowadays, chickens are raised in large-scale modern farms where they cannot walk, run or seek food in the soil. They are fed solely by humans. They are kept in small cages and can not move at all. Day and night they have to stand. Imagine that you have no right to walk or to run. Imagine that you have to stay day and night in just one place. You would become mad. In order for the chickens to produce more eggs, the farmers create artificial days and nights. They use indoor lighting to create a shorter day and a shorter night so that they chickens believe that 24 hours have passed, and they produce more eggs. There is a lot of anger, a lot of frustration, and much suffering in the chickens. The express there anger and frustration by attacking the chickens next to them, they use their beaks to peck and wound each other. They cause each other to bleed, to suffer and to die. That is why farmers now cut the beaks off all the chickens, to prevent them from attacking each other out of frustration.

So when you eat the flesh or egg of such a chicken, you are eating anger and frustration. So be aware, be careful what you eat. If you eat anger you will become and express anger, if you eat despair, you will express despair. If you eat frustration you will express frustration. We have to eat happy eggs from happy chickens; we have to drink milk that does not come from angry cows’

This discusses the food we buy and eat which is only part of what we consume in our lives but does have a big bearing on our society, and on our bodies and minds. It was after reading this that I seriously re-evaluated my views on eating meat. I have known this information before. I have been aware for a long time that animals are killed, cut up, and prepared so that we can go to the shops and buy them to eat, and yet I have not really known this. Not on an emotional level. I have turned away from that knowledge because it was easy to pick up a packet of meat or a box of eggs in the shops without really thinking about how it got there. Maybe I might pick up the box that stated free-range but that was done in an un-mindful way. Why would I pick up the box of free-range eggs and then go on to collect any kind of meat? I just didn’t let the knowledge of what was happening filter through on an emotional level. If it ever did enter my mind it was too distasteful to imagine and so I just didn’t think about it and enjoyed my food.

I also started to think about the reality that I could not kill an animal myself. I won’t even kill a spider and so there would be no way that I would ever kill a cow, pig, chicken or baby lamb. I have pets and I could not eat them. I consider all sentient beings alike and I believe that all living creatures are sentient. I therefore do not value my cat over the cow that I was eating in my beef stew and the only reason that I was able to eat meat at all was because someone else had killed it for me, and had presented it to me in a way that made the reality of the animals’ death distanced.

I am not criticizing people who eat meat. I understand that humans are omnivores and therefore there is a craving for meat. There are also vitamins etc in meat that when having a vegetarian diet need to be considered. It involves more thought and I think for a lot of people it’s not easy. Our change to vegetarianism has been gradual. We have cut out meat gradually at first only eating white meat when we where at home but other meat elsewhere if offered, and then no meat at home but meat at work and if offered. Now we do not buy or cook any meat, we do not take meat at work or buy it simply for convenience. I will however accept meat if given it during hospitality under certain circumstances. For example at a dinner party I would not demand that a person cook separate for us at this time because we are of the opinion that if the meat has been bought and will be cooked anyway then we are ok with that for the moment but we are giving it some serious thought. The main person I don’t want to offend with this is my Mum who I know gets a lot out of cooking and having us over for dinner. It would upset her to have to cook separate, she would not feel confident with vegetarian meals and she would miss it greatly if we did not come to dinner.

“Buddha - Self: The "Secret" Teachings of the Buddha in the Mahaparinirvana Sutra, Vol. 2"When we bring mindfulness to the dinner table, it suffuses the rest of our life as well. We become more sensitive to the well-being of animals, of the environment, and of ourselves and our families. We are more aware of the choices we make in all areas of our life. We enjoy food more, know that, while the obtaining of even plant foods necessitates some suffering, the amount and kind of suffering is dramatically reduced when we leave meat off our shopping lists and out of our kitchens. We become more aware of how meat consumption feeds violence and anger."

We have found generally that not eating meat hasn’t been a big sacrifice. In the past when I was vegetarian (as a teenager) I did miss meat a great deal. I assume that was because even though I didn’t want the animals to die and thus didn’t want to eat dead flesh, I had not meditated and attained a full comprehension of this. Now when I think about eating meat it is not all that attractive because I am thinking of it as dead flesh not food. Occasionally when preparing food for others at work I have been hungry and the thought of slipping a piece into my mouth has briefly crossed my mind, but as soon as I familiarize myself with the knowledge of the animal’s death and suffering that desire spontaneously recedes. I then find that what I am craving is food because I am hungry and not the meat itself.

"The eating of meat cannot in any way be considered to be helpful to the practice of the dharma, neither can the slaughter of animals be considered to be consistent with the Buddhist teachings of compassion (metta , ahimsa , and karuna ), of loving kindness, or of the nature of the evocation of the enlightenment-mind. The cruelties associated with the slaughter of the animal kingdom for human consumption, the pain, fear, and distress suffered by the animals in the entire process of being fattened for butchering, as well as the environmental disasters wreaked upon our planet through the meat industry, are very well documented, and should be understood by all who claim to be developing bodhicitta, or who wish to."~ Bodo BalsysAhimsa : Buddhism and the Vegetarian Ideal”

I have done some reading on what actually goes on in a slaughter house, and how most of the meat industry works and even though it claims to be ethical, there really is not a way to kill animals that does not make the animal suffer. Every sentient being tries to avoid death and animals are no different to humans in this respect. They would not choose to be killed and eaten just as much as I would not choose to be killed and eaten. When I think about what these animals go through I actually feel genuine remorse for there unnecessary deaths. If I where to stand in a slaughter house I think I would not be able to watch what was going on, I would be crying and pleading to let them all go. I remember as a child there was a slaughter market close to where we lived and I would see the sheep/cows, baby lambs all grazing in the field waiting to be killed. It really disturbed me, I think had I been older I might have been tempted to go try and steal one of those baby lambs. The slaughter house moved out of sight and it truly was out of sight out of mind. I wish in a way that it had remained, I think I would have come to this conclusion far sooner.

"We can do no greater harm that to kill another sentient being. Killing is the ultimate expression of indifference to the well-being of others. All, except in the most extreme circumstances, cherish life. In the contemporary hell of the modern slaughterhouse animals cry out and cower in terror when they realize that their life is nearing a premature end. All beings, except in the most desperate circumstances, try to escape death."~ BodhipaksaVegetarianism

The more research, reading and meditation I do around this subject the less and less appealing meat becomes. In a way I hope eventually it turns my stomach because I feel like it should.

Food is a central part of mindful consumption, but not the only thing that we consume. I have also been evaluating my intake of alcohol. Rick has already made the commitment not to drink and I am considering doing the same. Since I started exploring the reasons for and against drinking I have not had a drink. I haven’t made up my mind up with this, it feels innocent enough having the odd glass or 2 of wine, and yet I know that once I have consumed this I am unable to meditate. It is intoxicating my body no matter how small the dose and I may be relaxed but my mind is listless. I am more likely to be unmindful or harsh, and what enjoyment I do get from that odd glass of wine is not so much so that it would make me very unhappy not to have it. I have gone over a year without drinking because I just went off the taste and I only started having wine again when I met Rick. He was also a wine drinking and it was nice to relax in the evenings with a few glasses. Now that he is no longer drinking I am happy with my fizzy water or ginger-bear. I find this harder to give up than meat because with meat I can see unmistakable suffering caused to the animals, but with a glass of wine it is not so evident although I fully appreciate that alcohol can cause suffering it feels more indirect than meat.

When I take into further consideration the 5 precepts of Buddhism (for a lay person) the 5 states;

“surāmeraya-majja-pamādaṭṭḥānāveramaṇī sikkhāpadaṃ samādiyāmi”

“I undertake the training principle of abstaining from intoxicating drinks and negligent states of intoxication.”

There is some debate on this precept, some people saying that this means anything that intoxicates us and so any alcohol is wrong. Other people believe that the crux of the matter is “the not becoming intoxicated” because of the original wording, or possible translation of the wording being "substances which cause heedlessness" are to be avoided. This implies that the crux of the matter is not to become heedless, and so a small amount of alcohol is ok. I am also considering that there are some possible health benefits from drinking a small amount of alcohol.
What I think I am likely to decide for myself is to have only a very small amount of alcohol on special occasions. This means I am not tempted to just buy wine when I am stressed/or seeking relaxation and so I learn other ways to relax and be social. However I have not made up my mind. One of the things I respect most about Buddhism is that there are no grand rules that we must follow; Buddha encourages us to make up our own minds. One of my all time favorite quotes from Buddha is;

“Believe nothing merely because you have been told it. Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher. But whatsoever after due examination and analysis, you find it to be kind, conductive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings – that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide"

From the perspective of Buddhist culture the 5 precepts are only suggestions that we can willingly choose for ourselves. There are no 10 commandments from a God that will force you into the fiery pits of hell if you disagree. We are accountable for ourselves to decide on what is good or bad for us, and for those around us.

Along with what we eat and drink we also consume things such as magazines, conversations, surroundings, TV programs, films, and books. We are bombarded with information relentlessly and although some of it we have no choice but to consume, there are things that we can avoid. I am going to try to refrain from watching violence and killing for fun, either in films or TV programs because it seems that it desensitizes. When I pick up a book I want to be aware of what I am reading, if I feel it is causing me to feel anger or hatred then as I would in any situation in my everyday life I should put that book down and contemplate the reasons why, try and establish some compassion and understanding and then if need be choose not to consume. That does not mean I will turn a blind eye to the suffering of the past or present, but when I am allowing that information to sink in, rather than just allow it to filter through my consciousness like a sieve, without any real feeling or wisdom, I want to fully appreciate it, acknowledge it and it actually mean something.

When I choose to be around people I will attempt to be around people that are not trapped in pessimism and negativity. Although I will always help friends when they are down, I am aware now how dangerous it is for me to be around groups of people that have a negative feeling, or cause me or others distress. When in the past I may have kept struggling on to try and fit in or help people see a different insight, the latest events in my life have taught me a worthwhile lesson; sometimes I need to retire from such an environment and surround myself with things conducive to peace and contentment.

It is clear when looking at the world that a great many people are unhappy and stuck in endless cycles of consuming things that give only temporary happiness. When it comes to suffering people are often making others suffering to make up for there own suffering and then that results in more people wanting to cause suffering. I see many people stuck in an unhappy rut. We are not yet at the point where this species is only thoughtful and ironically it seems it is humans who are the most inhumane species on earth. We generate so much needless suffering and I myself am a part of this. I think the more I meditate, the more I understand that meditation is something that the human race in general could gain from, it could be something separate from the Buddhist faith. I do not think you have to have faith in the Buddha and in spirituality to derive benefits from meditation and attempts and mindfulness. I found this story very insightful when trying to describe the benefits I have had from applying meditation and thought to my daily life;

“One day frog saw turtle looking down at him. ‘Turtle,’ frog said. ‘You have no idea what a great place I live in. When I am restless, I hop along its coping. When I am tired, I rest at its crevice along its wall, when hot; I swim in its water or play in its shade. Why don’t you come down and see for yourself how wonderful it is?’
Tempted, the turtle prepared to jump. Placing his left foot in, he suddenly caught his right foot on the railing along the wells edge. He retreated and said, ‘Frog, your quarters are so small I daren’t go down. Why don’t you come and visit my home in the ocean instead? It’s tens of thousands of miles wide and thousands of yards deep. In times of floods, its waters rise only a little, in times of drought; its waters hardly fall at all. Surely that’s more interesting than your well?’
On hearing this, the frog became silent and could only stare at the turtle in amazement.”

What we consume in-pacts greatly on the world around is. Every living being, not only animals but plants and bacteria are part of the universe. We are the universe and it is us. If we pollute our environment to suit or convenience, we are damaging parts of our self because we and the universe are one. There is no such thing as I, except in perception alone.

“Until there is a more meditative dimension in the peace movement, our perceptions of reality (and thus our ability to help occasion understanding and transformation) will be terribly crippled. Whatever our religious or non religious background and vocabulary may be, we will be over-looking something as essential to our live and worth as breathing”
Thich Nhat Han.

I believe this applies to all things and I hope that humanity is moving towards such a goal. Some people believe that we will perish because of our destructiveness to the planet, ourselves and each other. I hope for another possibility; that we will begin on a new path of peace and love as a nation and world together. Perhaps that is idealistic but it pushes me further into developing my own mind so that I can hopefully escape Samsara (the cycle of death and re-birth) and eventually attain enlightenment and help other beings to do the same (as a Buddha). One of the fundamental things that I can do in this life is mindful consumption. I will most certainly make many blunders along the way and I am a long way off a point where I can say that I am even a fraction of the way there. But I try. and every mistake I do make is well considered and not taken lightly. What the past few days have taught me is that sometimes what I believe to be an insight is only an idea to others. I can force my idea onto others but then it is only an idea and not real insight. I want to work to create the conditions so that other people can share the insight through their own experience and understanding. I can only explain so much and then it is really up to them. I think often I am unwavering when I see something is wrong that I must try and put it right, especially if I see that it makes people suffer. I am starting to understand that there are times when this will not be possible. That suffering will happen and that no matter how hard I try and share my insight and make it a collective one people may not be receptive. It takes a lot of skill and patience to achieve this balance and I am working on it J I can honestly say that the past few days may have caused me a lot of tears but it was a turning point in my understanding of myself and others. I am now choosing what to consume in a more profound way than what I put in my stomach.

Peace and love to all
Jools

Reflection from yesterday

So to say yesterday was a bit of a nightmare would be an understatement. Along with receiving some personal bad news when I was at work, there was also the drama of my last blog post. I anticipated that some people may have been upset but I didn’t expect to be threatened and have a shit load of aggressive emails and comments. I spent a long time last night talking things over with Rick who has been extremely compassionate and sort of propping me up in regards to my current state of mind.

I didn’t write my last blog lightly, it wasn’t something done on the spur of the moment and in a fit of rage. This kicked off months ago and I explored other options of making myself heard first. I was speaking to Rick about it for the best part of a couple of months. I did come to the conclusion that the information within the appeal should be shared, not only does it stress the necessity to make the change of attitude about the drinking of alcohol apparent, but there are many other complications that have been highlighted about the disciplinary procedures in general. The officer’s change over time, people take on new jobs and responsibilities within the society and I believed that the more people informed about this, the more likelihood that they might re-examine things if they ever take on these positions in future. Yes it was going to cause a bit of drama, I don’t feel it needed to cause as much drama as it did however at the end of the day I felt something had happened that was very wrong. Not only did I feel it was wrong, I felt it was something that in the future could easily happen again if the right measures where not in place. If something bad can be prevented then I strongly believe that all steps should be taken to prevent it.

I have ended up feeling like I should be wearing a gag, there seems to be this atmosphere of not confronting or disagreeing because it could cause the “volunteers” stress. I now fully understand that people wanted to keep this under-wrap.

The result of yesterday was a decision made by Rick that he did not wish to be a part of the society anymore. Not because he opposed the reprimand given but for many other reasons. This is exceptionally sad and part of me feels like I have taken away something he enjoys. He assures me that is not how he feels and that he is making this choice for himself for his own reasons, yesterday was just the last straw. It is still very sad that someone who has played for 11 years has left because of all this. I have also been informed by a couple of people that it is apparently against the rules to say anything negative about the society as it could cause the society disrepute. This is interesting if it is true.

When I first opened some of the emails and threads on buzz I was both upset and angry. However on reflection I cannot feel any strong dislike or anger towards those people who took it upon themselves to be passive aggressive or out right threatening. They believe that there society and friends have been criticized and have taken it from this negative perspective. That’s ok, I wish them no ill will and I hope that what happened to Rick is never repeated again.

I didn’t sleep last night, despite the pills that usually knock me for 6. I can feel my state of mind waning because of this and other things and I am trying very hard to not let this knock me down. I’ve felt anxious and upset over this for a few months now and I do admit that I was somewhat fanatical with trying to make it right. I find it difficult to let go when I feel that something is unjust. Because I know that Rick was not the only person who had this problem made it even more pressing in my head. Not sleeping did give me the opportunity to meditate quietly in bed beside Rick and evaluate my actions. In retrospect I cannot see what else I could have done other than let this go. If I see something is really wrong and I turn my back because it might make me unpopular if I speak up then I don’t feel like that makes me a person with values. I know that my intention was not motivated by malice. I know that my intention was not to make people unhappy or get revenge. I tried my best to write the appeal in a way that was clear it was the system in place I was challenging and not an assault on the people in power. I am guessing this handbook and procedure was wrote a long time ago and so there is a very good chance that different people have had the positions over time.

From the feedback I have received I now know that this was somewhat a waste of time but I also know I tried and did everything I could. I didn’t just ignore the situation because it was the easiest thing to do. People are now well aware that the lax attitude about bringing your own food and drink to events has changed and will result in very negative consequences. This is even if the venue have personally told you that it’s ok. Now I am certain that people will not make this mistake again and hopefully have saved someone a lot of trouble. Maybe in time when people have calmed down and no longer see my words as an act of sheer bitchyness they might have a re-think about there disciplinary procedures. Who knows?

Along with Rick I know longer feel I could come back to IOD. I’m sad about that because I did enjoy some of the games and there are a lot of nice people in the society, yes even those that had a go at me via email and buzz are nice people deep down. One person who made a very passive aggressive comment in his own buzz was someone I liked as an ST and role-player and although it’s disappointing to see such a comment it doesn’t mean my regard for him or anyone else as a person has changed. No matter what the circumstance deep down everyone has the potential to be nice as much as mean and anger and frustration can make people react in ways that are not very pleasant.

We are still providing accommodation for people who are visiting Edinburgh for the game even though we will not attend the event ourselves and I hope it goes well and is enjoyable for everyone.

I really did try my best to do everything in a way that was not nasty or personal, but I hold my hands up and admit that there where times that I reacted because I was angry and frustrated and therefore I am sure I am guilty of some comments/posts that where a little passive aggressive. I have also tried my best to fit in and make friends in IOD and even though that’s been difficult there are some people who I feel I managed to talk to easily both IC and OC.

Ricks Appeal

I have decided to delete the IOD appeal,

the purpose of sharing the information was to highlight a serious problem within the society and to make other members aware of this. However, now that we have gone as far as we can go with this situation and we have both decided that we know longer wish to be a part of the society and expose ourselves to the negative and unhappy atmosphere any more I do not feel that there is any more need to keep the appeal on this blog. This blog was never intended to be about IOD, and I am sure that everyone that may have benefited from having the information has now had the chance to read over it.

would like to wish everyone in IOD good luck with there group and I hope that it improves from this point.

Anger mindfulness and compassion

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU1La7k-ajs&feature=related

I have just finished a Dharma book about anger and so I thought that I would start a blog about anger, how I cope with it in day to day life, and how I am seeking a way to change my experience of anger.

http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Cooling-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1573229377

I acknowledge that I often have a short temper, notably at certain times of the month. Unfortunately my PMS tends to last 9 maybe 10 days and thus I really have to learn to handle my anger/moods in a more positive way. I have started to be mindful of my anger, not so I can suppress it because I don’t consider that wise, but because I want to learn what drives it. I want to turn that energy into something less harmful.

When I first started meditating and learning about Buddhism I had the understanding that anger was wrong. It was something to conquer. It did not occur to me that it was something organic, something natural that is intrinsic to our human nature. It was a flaw to be repressed and denied. I have since done more reading and thinking and I have come to the realization that anger is an inherent part of being a person, and so repressing it is not only impossible but also unwise. It is however possible to transform it.

I now appreciate that my anger is my issue. Whatever caused the anger is secondary and separate from the feelings that dwell within me. Any external event does not have to cause me to feel angry, and it is my perceptions and delusions that are causing the feelings of anger. Of course I do not deny that there is much injustice and negativity in the world, but I am learning that all things can be dealt with more gainfully when I am not reacting in anger.

I think one of the reasons people struggle letting go of anger is because they feel that letting go will make them weak. This belief can be on a conscious or un-conscious level. There is an assumption that showing kindness and forgiveness instead of anger when someone has wronged us shows weakness. When someone does or says something that is wounding to us we suffer, in turn we will say or do something back to cause the other person to suffer with the misguided idea that causing the other person to suffer too will reduce our own suffering. “I want to make you suffer because I suffer” In reality what happens is the other person then does something back to us and things spiral far and beyond the initial conflict. Pride stands in the way of forgiveness and compassion and destroys relationships. It is astonishing what people will sacrifice for the sake of there pride. I am guilty of this, many times in the past I have thought long and hard about how I might get revenge on the people that have hurt me. At times I have caused others suffering because of this and I got some temporary relief from my own feelings of anger and suffering. In the long run though such action did not do me any good, it either caused the person I was responding to; to react with even worse intention or it made me do things that I am now ashamed off. Even when I only fantasized about the ways in which I could cause suffering to that person the intentions made my mind un-peaceful and did nothing to help resolve the conflicts both externally with the person and internally within myself. If you are Buddhist then you will also be aware that such intention will create the seeds of negative Karma. Intent can cause Karma even when no action is taken.

Despite the fact that I do not wish to react to anger with negative intent and actions, this does not mean that I deny that I am angry. When a person wrongs me or someone I care about of course I feel angry, disillusioned and frustrated. What I realise is that reacting in that moment of frustration does not help me solve the problem and so I am practicing using breathing techniques and mindfulness to create a different energy within my mind so that when I do attempt to resolve the external problem or conflict I am not simply reacting out of spite. I am taking care of my anger, acknowledging it and then taking the time I need to build up compassion and understanding for the person(s) who have hurt me in the first place. Generally it is clear after some contemplation that the intent of the other person was not to cause me grief. Unless they are reacting because they believe I have made them suffer in which case they are trapped in the same cycle of causing suffering to relieve there own suffering and since this is a cycle I myself have been trapped in many times, it becomes easier to understand there point of view. Mostly in the past when I have felt unhappy by another persons actions or words I have been so overwhelmed by my bad feelings that I have never stopped to consider that the other person might suffer also. I believe I am the only one suffering and I want to right this injustice.

This stems from my own self grasping ignorance. That I am one self, separate from everyone else. When I contemplate long enough to grasp the reality that all beings are interrelated, then my distress is no longer the most important thing. It becomes obvious that the other person suffers deeply. No matter how bad there actions may seem to me at the time, they do suffer. Many people have not been given the tools in there upbringing to allow them to live peacefully in the world, and many people are lacking any profound understanding or motivation. They are trapped in repeating cycles of pain and discontent and so it becomes difficult for me to feel angry at those people who are acting in a destructive ways. After spending time being mindful and contemplating the circumstances that those people may be experiencing it becomes easy for me to change the energy of my anger into compassion. I did not deny my anger at any point in this process and it was only by accepting and taking care of my anger that I am able to bring about a change in my perception.

This isn’t an easy thing to do, I still struggle at times. There are many situations in my life that make me angry or frustrated. To use one example I am in a living arrangement with Rick (my current partner) and Chris (my ex partner). This is not an easy living arrangement because no matter what the reasons for myself and Chris ending our romantic involvement, and no matter how positive that ending was, there are still external events and problems that led to that decision being made. Living together means that those problems continue to play a part in our life’s to some degree. Often after a break-up even when the couple still want to remain friends they will give each other some distance. Chris and I have not been able to do this because for financial reasons living together is the best and only sensible option. Recently I have had a few people inform me that Chris had vented about our break-up and new situation to others. It is tempting to retaliate by also venting to friends and family. (at times with very close family I have) However I realise that this would not do myself, Chris or anybody I vent to any good. I was at first disappointed and angry that Chris had spoke ill of me to others, but I see that this situation is not easy for him either. I take responsibility for the part I played in the ending of our romantic relationship. I can see there are things that I have done that contributed to the breakdown in communication, and even though it would be easy for me to only focus on the things that Chris has done that have hurt me it would not be a true picture of the situation.

The truth is there are 2 sides to every story. Both of us have been hurt by the other over the past 6 years, and both of us have also experienced good and bad together. My venting about the bad times will not lessen any of those negative experiences. I do not believe that venting is constructive to resolving conflict. In the past some therapists have recommended venting and expressing anger to get it out of our system. However my experience of venting in this way has led me to believe that venting is a way of rehearsing the anger. It might help in the short term but does nothing to help me generate a more peaceful mind in the long term. So if I go to friends and tell them all the things that Chris has done to hurt me, then I will be channeling all my energy on the negative feelings and not seeing the complete picture. Then when I am next at home with Chris I am even more likely to respond to him in a nasty and harmful way. If I do vent to people about Chris, then there is a good chance that those people will inform Chris and he will be further hurt by my words and in turn he will also speak ill of me. In the long run that does not do either of us any good.

Of course there are times when I am angry and frustrated with Chris but when I look at the bigger picture I can see that he has also brought a lot of good into my life. I may not be romantically involved with him anymore but I still have some love for him. He is the father of my baby and regardless of the fact that my baby died he will always be the father and therefore we are forever connected by this experience. All the mistakes we have made in our relationship have given me an insight into how I want my next relationship to be and hopefully will make my relationship with Rick even stronger. I appreciate Rick more because of Chris. To quote from the book I have just read,

“Please do not believe that love is not in you. It’s not true; love is always in you. It is like the sunshine, even when it rains the sunshine is always there a little bit above the crowds. If you go above the clouds you see plenty of sunshine. So if you believe that there is no love in you, that you only feel hate for the other person, you are wrong. Wait until the other person dies. You will cry and cry and wish that he could come back to life. This shows that the love is there. You should give love a chance to manifest, while the other person is still alive. To help love re-appear you have to know how to manage your anger. Anger always goes together with confusion, with ignorance.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

We came to a joint decision to end our romantic relationship because we did not share an outlook on life, have the same goals or ideas about what kind of relationship we could enjoy or share much of the same interests and values. The difference became so vast that we where starting to argue more than we enjoyed spending time with each other. That does not mean that I cannot value him as a person because I can. He is not a bad person just not the right person to be my partner and likewise I am not the right person to be his partner.

There is much that Chris does that provokes an angry reaction within me, but my internal reaction to him is my problem, not his. When I think on a deeper level about him I can clearly see that he is not happy, he suffers a lot and is trapped in a cycle of depression and de-motivation. I think this lack of purpose has caused him to miss out on a great deal of opportunities. His mood and conduct because of this often frustrates and upsets me, but when I look at my conditions I see that I can go away meditate and calm my mind until I create a more peaceful, constructive energy. Chris does not yet have the skills to do this and I believe he is genuinely depressed. When I look at how unhappy he is then it becomes difficult for me to feel anymore irritation about things such as money, housework or what he may say to others about me. I am sure over the time that we will continue to live together there will be more challenges to come. I am not at a point where I am convinced that I will discover my anger in time to contemplate and turn it into compassion (before I snap at someone). I am still breaking the habit of responding to stress with some form of verbal vent of aggression, but I am trying and the more I read and meditate the stronger I become and the easier it is to take care of my anger before I cause myself or others any damage.

The very least I can do is to learn to recognize my anger before it overcomes me.

“Once we recognize our anger, we embrace it with a lot of awareness, a lot of tenderness. Practitioners of meditation do not discriminate against or reject their internal formations” - Thich Nhat Hanh.

The more I practice this for myself, the more I see just how much harm unrestrained anger can do to people and relationships. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is angry to some degree. I see relationships completely destroyed to the point that people believe that they are unsalvageable because of misguided anger. When I look at 2 people who are at war with each other usually I can see very clearly both sides of the story. That neither party has deliberately tried to hurt the other and the entire problem has been a breakdown in communication and misunderstanding. To use my family as an example there are many members of my family who are no longer on friendly terms, and because I speak to mostly all of them I can see that none of them have wanted or desired this divide. The real cause of this is simply a lack of communication and compassion. Everyone has suffered to some degree, but every person concerned believes they have suffered more or that they are the only ones who suffer. In reaction to there perceived suffering they have dealt with this by more harmful words or actions and in return the other person has put up more barriers and the entire conflict escalates far and beyond the initial problem. I would put money on the fact that nobody actually knows what started this in the first place.

Nobody wants to say sorry or show compassion because nobody believes they have been in the wrong. Pride gets in the way and people don’t want to show weakness by being compassionate or the one to take those first steps to resolve the conflicts. The result of this mindset is extremely sad because it could lead to the rest of there lives being led with this bad feeling towards each other remaining. Perhaps they might never talk again all because nobody wanted to be the first one to pick up the phone or write a letter. The truth is it doesn’t matter who is in the wrong. People are wrong all the time and never know it because in there perception they are right. One thing that really stood out when reading Thich Nhat Hahn’s book on anger was this particular paragraph,

“You have to start negotiating a strategy. No matter how much the other person can do you have to do all that you are capable of doing yourself. You must give one hundred percent of yourself. Whatever you can do for yourself you do for him or her. Don’t wait. Don’t put forth conditions saying, if you don’t make the effort to reconcile then I won’t either. This will not work. Peace, Reconciliation and happiness begin with you”

I am 26 years old, my life experience is somewhat limited but what I do believe is that sometimes it really is necessary to let go of any conception of who is right and who is wrong, and just understand that everyone has a different perception. Whatever started the conflict, whoever harmed who first, it doesn’t matter. There is rarely any situation where one person is completely innocent and one person is completely in the wrong and so no matter how much the other person has made you suffer there is a very reasonable chance that you have also made them suffer. If you look deep in your heart and feel certain that you have done that person no wrong then really contemplating about what may have caused the other person to act in the way they have can often give enough insight to turn anger into sympathy and that is a start. The alternative is to allow the divide to carry on for a long time, perhaps never being on friendly terms again for the remainder of this life. I believe that is seldom the correct course of action especially when the people involved are family, because they are an extension of our-self often the people we have had the most life experiences with. It amazes me how many times I have heard the phrase, of course I love them, of course I miss them but… (Add condition for reconciliation here)

At the end of the day I cannot force people to see my insight. I cannot give them my desire to nourish a relationship for the better. I can only hope that at least one person comes to the realization themselves and begins the journey of trying to make peace. Trying without conditions, trying without limits, trying even when the person we are trying to reconcile with does not have the same insight. What the feuds of people all around me have taught me is what I do not want in my life. I do not want to get stuck in this kind of spiraling situation that seems to only cause heartache, and I do not want to take sides in such a conflict. Several times now in my own relationships I have pushed pride and conditions to one side and simply freed myself to accept the other person. Even when there point of view is very different from my own that is ok I will keep trying. I can say sorry honestly even when I have initially believed that I have done no wrong because regardless of the conditions leading up to the breakdown I am genuinely sorry that it had to happen at all.

In a sense I am extremely lucky to have had such favorable conditions in my present life that have given me the opportunity to learn meditation and practice Dharma. My karma has been good enough to make it possible for me to experience this kind of learning. Not everyone has had this opportunity and so when resolving conflicts with people who are not on the same path as I am it becomes my responsibility to take the lead and to do the most work. From a Buddhist perspective my doing such will result in positive Karma. From the perspective of the other person hopefully it will help to break a cycle of unhappiness and frustration. I am thankful that there is not one person who has done me wrong in this life that I continue to feel anger towards long term. That is an extremely precious gift that completely frees my mind from a great deal of pain