Why do I write about real people and real life?

Make no judgments where you have no compassion.

Why do I talk about real life people and events in my blog?

I have had a few reactions to my writing about real life events and people in my blog, some people saying that they have found reading about my interactions with them interesting or informative and others feeling affronted or upset taking meaning from something I have said that was not intended to be unkind. So I thought I would tackle this and clarify why real life people and events are discussed. I rarely name people within the blog except Rick and Chris on occasion, but I do recognize that when I am writing about people and events that have happened it is easy for someone to identify themselves or others.

This blog has evolved to be about spirituality and in particular Buddhism, Dharma, and how this shapes my life and relationships. One of the fundamental doctrines of Buddhism is being mindful, really looking at every thing we do and trying to understand perceptions and feelings. To do this it is necessary for me to look at and examine any interaction, specifically the challenges that come up in day to day life. This was never intended as a way to rant and be mean about other people. One person may cause a difficult reaction in me on one occasion but that does not mean that they are always perceived to me in this way. What I am striving to explore is my own perceptions and issues. This is not about me pointing out anyone’s flaws because what I perceive is not necessarily what others perceive and I recognize that I do not know what happens internally within other people. Therefore I have no right to judge anyone. Any problems that come up in me because of relations with another person are my problems.

One instance I can use is my writing about my perception of Rick being wronged. I am writing about this because I recognize it created a lot of disquiet within me. It was interesting to observe how fierce my reaction to something negative happening to him and how powerful my unhappy feelings became. I am never trying to judge the people involved in the choices and circumstances that led him to that point because I cannot know what triggered each isolated decision in a chain of events. What I do believe is that this was a seed of karma coming to fruit because the conditions for it to do so transpired. When this situation is perceived in this way it no longer becomes about what is fair, or unfair and it is no longer about any of the people involved. The angry feelings I experience are my problem and looking at the situation is about resolving my peace and wellbeing.

Being rational does not magically make all my discontent and frustration dissolve. Although I know logically nothing is fair or unfair and those ideals are just impressions that reside within my mind (they are not permanent or reliable). My mind however has thought of these conceptions as reality my entire life, letting go is like slowly ripping of a plaster of certainty that has existed for so long it has become something I believe is truly part of me. What I am trying to awaken myself too is the truth that what I discern as unfair another may accept as fair, and on any given day my own view of fair and unfair may alter. Therefore how can such concepts possibly exist? Undoubtedly the people who felt it necessary to punish Rick harshly felt that they where acting in a reasonable, just way, and clearly I feel that they where not. On this occasion nobody is right or wrong. What I can grasp on a rational level is that the concepts of fair or unfair do not inherently exist therefore nobody has been wronged. On an emotional level I am still at a stage where seeing something happen to Rick that is potentially harmful to him affects my own peace of mind and wellbeing. What I am writing about in my blog is my way of being mindful of this acknowledging those feelings and trying to resolve them.

Other situations that I have discussed and will continue to discuss are situations when I react on an emotional level towards someone. There are many people who have difficulties alike or contrasting to my own, and who on interacting with will leave me feeling some kind of emotive resonance. There are other people who I will immediately feel cautious around not because they are bad people, but because there is some kind of transference, or they are emulating something I am uncomfortable with within myself. I can say truthfully at this point in my life that there is no one person I dislike and view as inherently bad. Even those who have harmed me in ways others judge on the level of reprehensible, I have some level of compassion or regard for, even if I cannot tolerate any kind of interaction with them. There are people in my day to day life who challenge me and who I am anxious interacting with but those are not people I actively dislike or wish harm too. If they are mentioned in the context of this blog it is not intended to be bitchy or snide and like any other situation that is testing, it is purely an analysis of my own mind.

In all human relationships, at times things do occur that cause anger and un-rest; a temporary annoyance or aversion to a person(s), and rather than let this exacerbate I have started to meditate on these feelings to understand things from the other persons perspective. It is incredible when doing this how apparent it becomes that we are seeing things always from our own point of view, only thinking about what makes us happy, and seldom considering the other persons reasoning. One book I was reading recently “The miracle of mindfulness” by “Thich Nhat Hanh” there is a useful suggestion for a meditation to help grow compassion for those people that one may find difficult or dislike. I have found this so useful to do when someone hurts or upsets me that I thought I might share it here.

“Sit quietly, breathe and smile the half smile. Contemplate the image of the person who has caused you the most suffering. Regard the features you hate or despise the most or find the most repulsive. Try to examine what makes the person happy and what causes suffering in his/her daily life. Contemplate the person’s perceptions; try to see what patterns of thought and reason the person follows. Examine what motivates this person’s hopes and actions. Finally consider the persons consciousness. See whether his view sand insights are open and free or not, and whether or not he has been influenced by any prejudices, narrow-mindedness, hatred or anger. See whether or not he/she are a master of themselves. Continue until you feel compassion rise in your heart like a well filling with fresh water and your anger and resentment disappear. Practice this many times on the same person”

This can be done about one person or a whole group of people. I found it particularly useful when dealing with my own anger about the LARP society’s treatment of Rick. I found that when I reflected on every person who was involved in that set of affairs individually, I could see that none of them where bad people, that made it easier to feel compassion and love and not let anger about specific decisions and events cause me to wish those people harm or suffering. It is really important to me that I do not let my disillusion of one incident cause me to have negative intentions towards others. It is very easy to just hate and not consider another persons perspective. I am starting to realise that even though anger is a devastating emotion it is far easier to feel angry than it is to feel compassionate. I am also starting to realise the benefits of unconditional regard.

“Those who are without compassion cannot see what is seen with the eyes of compassion”

To stay angry would leave me blind and that small insight is the crucial difference between despair and hope.
I did for a while ponder being more cryptic in this blog so that it would not be as easy for people to identify themselves if the decided to read it. However I realised that it would be impossible for me to continue being open and mindful here and the more cryptic I am the less I am being honest. Being cryptic would perhaps lead to even more misunderstanding of the words I am writing. Therefore I am hopeful this post goes some way to explaining my reasoning and stops people assuming I am ranting for the sake of being mean. I think in this day and age there are a lot of hidden sarcastic commentaries and so people are often looking into words that are meant to be taken on face value and seeing something more. I want to assure everyone that sarcasm is something I rarely do and therefore if I write something in this blog then it means exactly what it says and nothing more. If I am thanking someone for a challenging situation then I am genuinely thankful. When I say I am angry I really do mean that this is my problem and nobody else is to blame. Other people may highlight my perceptions to me but that does not mean they created those perceptions. My aim is to eventually feel the same amount of regard for people no matter how the act towards or around me.

Dharma and Meditation

“Meditation is not evasion; it is a serene encounter with reality”
Thich Nhat Hanh

A number of people who are interested in meditation practice have asked me what benefits I am getting from it and what I find easy or difficult so rather than answer all individually I thought I would give a general answer on my blog. Markedly these are benefits that meditation has brought to my life and I think for everyone it is a personal journey. I am also now unable to separate what value has come from the meditation and what benefits are from learning and practicing Dharma however I fully believe that one can meditate and have definite life changes without being a Buddhist. That being said I will also talk about the benefits and challenges of trying to incorporate some of the philosophy into my life as although loving and being kind to everyone sounds like an awesome way to live it is not always easy.

I used to have a lot of difficulty meditating on my own without the help of a teacher, class, or even just a friend/partner to talk about things with. In the past I found it hard to concentration my mind. I wasn’t sure what I should be meditating on – if anything and I felt like my mind would just run off instead of being focused. What I have started to learn is that meditation is contrary to doing nothing; even though my mind can be peaceful it can also be at its most active.

This is where I see the value in prayer. If one believes in a God and focuses there mind on talking to that God, contemplating and trying to understand the nature of the universe and reality, then it is a little easier to direct and control the mind. Any kind of contemplation on compassion, love and acceptance is adding to those persons well being, and those whom they have regard for, be that Christian, Sikh, Muslim or any other religion that believes in God. It does not actually matter if God does or does not exist in the sense that those monolithic faiths perceive, the point is that if the person praying is trying to attain a peaceful mind then by focusing the mind on positive thoughts they will realize enlightenment to some degree. The nature of prayer however is not always peaceful contemplation.

I used to feel a rather fierce loathing of almost all religion because I had tripped upon so many people making sweeping judgmental statements about anything they professed that there God did not like. I was tired of it. Tired of being told that there’s was the only way, and tired of the intimidation of hell from every corner of religion; if you didn’t agree with them and there prophet then off to the fiery pits of hell you go. Everywhere we are all condemning others to hell and it seems that when everyone is busy judging others and preaching that there faith is the only way nobody is really achieving anything, let alone getting close to understanding the nature of the universe and unconditional love.

And so…

I gave up on religion. I decided that above everything else I just wanted to be the best person I could be, and regardless of life being eternal or my existence being one short lifetime, I wanted to make the most of it no matter what. I wanted to meditate not because I sought to believe in some idea about reincarnation or nirvana but simply because my mind is often mayhem and I wanted to feel calm, I wanted to be happy. I had an interest in Buddhism simply because I felt that it was the most peaceful religion I had come across and because nobody so far from that faith had ever made me feel like I was being judged. The philosophy I had heard about being kind to each other and not harming living things seemed nice. Nice enough that I was willing to learn more and at the very least accept being around Buddhists so that I could learn from them how to meditate. So when I walked into that class it was for this reason alone.

The main benefits from meditation so far are –

that my mind is more peaceful. This does not mean that my mind is in the most peaceful state possible but when I compare it to how I was before I started meditating I can see a substantial improvement. The danger with that statement however is how do I explain a peaceful state of mind because I imagine for everyone peaceful has a very unique interpretation? I can see just by being around Rick that my peaceful mind would be interpreted as chaos if he where to experience it internally himself (he is far calmer influence than I am). I am a stress bug, and I tend to be on the sensitive/over emotional side. Peaceful for me at this point is just calming down from stressful situations quicker than I have been able to do in the past. I am not at a stage where I can sidestep stress but I am more self aware when I start to feel any emotion be that anger, upset, joy or anxiety and meditation has given me a more natural ability to watch my own mind. This means that things don’t sneak up on me, I detect the subtle signs of upset or anxiety quicker and I start dealing with it before I am too overwhelmed to think clearly.


One of the useful similes that our teacher used was comparing our mind to the sky. The sky is blue always, even when it’s covered in clouds the blue sky doesn’t go away it is always there underneath and the clouds are just temporarily covering it. If you fly above the clouds it won’t be long until you see the clear blue sky. The natural state of our mind is tranquility but there are continuously clouds and emotions forming and dissolving. Being aware of the clouds and the clear tranquil sky above all the turmoil makes us conscious of there temporariness and allows us to appreciate the peaceful sky above. I have been practicing a meditation where I watch my mind. I simply see what comes up and observe as an on looker. Rather than say I feel upset, or I feel anxious I observe as an outsider… and that gives me some distance from any negative feelings and allows me to practice and get better at connecting with the calm above the storm when things are difficult. I have a LONG way to go with this practice but every once in a while a stressful situation comes up where I can see a real difference in how I react and feel and that spurs me on to keep practicing.

We do a lot of contemplative meditations, focusing on unconditional regard and working through negative feelings I actively use my imagination to let negative thoughts and feelings go. There are other nights when I am focusing on the heart chakra and focusing my mind on clear white light. During class we have had various guided meditations and we go over these at home on our own most evenings and then discuss after. I think at the moment we are meditating for 30 or 40 minutes in the evening with the occasional evening off if we feel too exhausted. I would have thought some months ago that this was an exceptionally long time to be doing nothing but actually that time passes quickly and I know now that meditation is the complete opposite of doing nothing. My body may be still but my mind is perhaps at its most active and focused at these times

I have experienced some peculiar headspaces over recent months while meditating. I am uncertain if I would describe these as spiritual in nature but they are certainly strange. Both myself and rick have felt a warm tingling in the middle of our chest that seems to spread though out entire body. It’s a very pleasant feeling. We have also felt our conscious move for brief moments down into her heart area. I have experienced a feeling like I am looking at the edge of something, and yet actually that something is nothing at all, a feeling of falling into a vast emptiness. This was only for moments and actually scared me enough to pull my concentration back but after I felt a calmness that lasted hours. It felt like any worry or anxiety could simply dispel into this emptiness. There are some nights when I feel like I struggle to focus and I’m uncertain if I am getting benefit and yet any night that I meditate I have no trouble falling asleep which is usually difficult for me. If anything meditating is worth it simply for the relief of my insomnia.

Out in my daily life is where the real test transpires. It is easy to get myself into a calm headspace when I am secure in my home, safe and warm with Rick and some nice candles and incense to help me generate a positive mind. In real life when I am out at work, interacting with people and coming into contact with situations that are externally stressful it is not always easy to keep the momentum of my evening meditation going. The more I learn the more I realise just how many delusions I have. I am far more aware of all the angry feelings I create throughout the day and how often I am allowing external situations to become my problem. So often I am conscious of a destructive thought or feeling that often I wish I could go back to not noticing. I get frustrated with myself because I understand the logic that everything is generated from my own mind despite the external situation and yet I haven’t been able to make that leap of applying that logic to my emotions.

Everything I live through is generated from my own mind. When I have a problem it is made in my mind and no-where else. Our teacher described this by using a car as an example. When the car breaks down people often say I have a problem because the car has broken down. The let the fact the car has broken down ruin the rest of the day, perhaps being in a bad mood and feeling like it is generally unfair and yet when you re-examine the situation it becomes clear that the car breaking down is the cars problem and how you react to the situation is your problem. There are 2 separate problems. I can allow external events to cause my mind to run riot or I can remember that the external problem is separate from my mind and not let the clouds form in the first place… the latter is far more difficult than it seems especially when dealing with other people.It is dealing with other people and maintaining a positive compassionate mind that I currently find tough. It’s not easy to see people treat others unfairly or cruel and not have a disheartening emotional reaction. Some weeks after the initial problem about Rick being treated poorly I am still having moments when I feel genuine anger and although I acknowledge that the anger is destructive and unhelpful I am unable to push the anger away. What I have been able to do is see the feelings that are coming up in me as my problem, separate from the initial problem with Rick. I can also fully appreciate the fact that this reaction being so forceful is because Rick is someone that I love and respect and therefore when others do not appreciate him the way I do I find that inconceivable. For a number of weeks I tried to suffocate the angry feelings and try and push myself into more positive frame of mind of tolerance and regard however it was when reading the book The miracle of mindfulness – by Thich Nhat Hanh that I started to understand that it was not helpful to repress such feelings. This particular paragraph put things in a different light;

“We should treat our anxiety, our pain, our hatred and passion gently, respectfully, not resisting it, but living with it, making peace with it, penetrating into its nature by meditation on interdependence”

By feigning that I don’t feel discouraged and saddened I am not respecting my feelings or giving myself any compassion. At this stage in my life there are going to be moments where I will feel angry, that doesn’t mean I have to act those feelings out and make others suffer because by being aware of what’s going on means I am prepared for any situation where I may be confronted or overwhelmed thus I can prepare myself when dealing with certain people and strive to treat them with as much compassion as I treat Rick. Today I have spent time just watching my mind and accepting any emotions or thoughts that surface without putting them into the category of negative or positive.

“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”

What I can see clearly is that although I would still have a similar standpoint if the same events had happened to another person I know that my emotive reaction would be milder and far easier to rein in. It would therefore be easier to argue with rational rather than emotion. I am allowing these feelings to come up in meditation and just watch them from a distance to try to let them go with grace. It is essential for me to be aware that this is still causing unpleasant feelings internally and apply the logic that such feelings are transient and fixable within me. Outwardly the external situation is now impossible to resolve, to do so would necessitate my giving several people a brain transplant and that is on the side of slightly impractical.

Another interesting metaphor we learned at class, you can cover the ground in leather, or, you can just wear shoes. So I cannot change the situation but I can do what Rick is doing and not allow it to become my problem. Through this entire problem he has accepted the fact that this is his Karma and that’s ok. I cannot do any more externally to help those in control see things from a different point of view and in life normal everyday people will always see things from there side. The person I was 6 months ago would have allowed this to carry on making me angry and perhaps gone on to feel bitter enough about the society in question that I gave up altogether. I am still extremely dismayed and it’s unfortunate that I would no longer be able to look someone in the eye and say that this society is any different from any other LARP group when it comes to politics and such. However I am prepared to carry on being involved so that perhaps in time I can restore the damage to my moral around role-play. Although it is disappointing to see my partner treated poorly by a society that he has worked hard for and continues to do so I appreciate that the events have added a challenge for us both especially Rick to practice patient acceptance. Life would be very easy if there where no challenges like this one but there would be no opportunity to practice Dharma. If Rick can rise above this because he likes the people enough to be compassionate and accepting then I should strive to do the same. What I am grateful for and one of the benefits I can now see from that particular challenge is the fact that it has really shown me just what an amazing person I am with. Where many people would have ranted and raved (myself included) he was able to keep a peace of mind that is normally reserved for enlightened individuals.

So…

I would like to Thank the society, and those people who created this experience for us because without them progress could not be made. It has helped me know my mind better.

I find any and all social situations a challenge. I don’t really enjoy being in social groups and I find more often than not I am happier just being at home or around one or 2 people who I like and respect. In larger social gatherings especially around hobby groups/socialites politics and hypocrisy start to come into play and regrettably this is a facet of human behavior that I do not understand. I thought that if meditation helped with my stress levels I might start to enjoy being in a larger group because I would be able to relax more. So far although it is starting to get a little easier my preference is still to avoid these situations or at least I can only tolerate it for so long before I need to withdraw for a little while. Perhaps what I am starting to accept is that I do prefer taking a backseat in this kind of social group and I’m ok with that. I will never be part of the in crowed and I’m not sure it’s necessary for my happiness.

One thing that Meditation and Dharma have changed for me is my perception of any event both positive and negative. Any experience that I find challenging is what intensifies my resolution to do better, be better and live more in the moment. Any person that wrongs me or hurts me is giving me an opening to feel compassion and so ultimately nothing is negative and in effect the entire concept of positive/negative becomes non existent because they are only such due to my perception and perceptions can always be changed through mindfulness and meditation.

Karma

Before you begin on the journey of revenge, dig two graves. ~Proverb

We went to a class at the Dharma centre about Karma last Saturday and I thought I would contemplate this in my blog. The class was immensely intriguing and we also got to meet a lot of like minded people. It’s lovely that there are so many kinds of people interesting in Buddhism, young, old, male, female and clearly from many different professions and walks of life.

One of the first points that our teacher raised is that there are many narrow and mistaken points of view about Karma (in regards to Buddhism) Karma has undoubtedly become a fashionable belief/idea and many people have been able to perceive and get a glimpse of Karma in there daily life, leading them to the conclusion that cause and effect is a lot more substantial than just luck, or happenstance. However what people fail to understand is the vastness of Karma; how it affects everything we do from the smallest insignificant event to the huge life altering situations we find ourselves in. We are experiencing and creating Karma every single minute or every single day that we live, not only in our actions but also in our thoughts.

Karma is fundamental to Buddhism; to reject the notion of Karma means you reject Buddhism. Many people of different faiths have some ideas about Karma and other religions deal with cause and effect in a similar way. It is very logical to think that if you do good things in life, then good things will follow, and if you do bad things then bad things will follow. The idea of some natural justice is also reassuring as everyone at some point or other has been wronged. Often the belief is that we experience the consequences of our actions after death and a God decides for us if we spend eternity in hell, or heaven. A lot of people have a view that Karma in Buddhism is along the same lines, that it is some kind of natural righteousness for wrong deeds done and its almost tempting to believe that there is someone deciding for us what Karma comes our way.

The class taught us that Karma does not work like this. Buddhism does not believe that there is a God or being deciding for us what Karma we deserve and in-fact Karma is not really about justice or any other human ideal. Karma is just a natural phenomenon; it is simply cause and effect. There is nobody deciding what cause equals what effect. To say that Karma is justice like saying that gravity is justice, if you jump from a tall building you will start to fall (cause) if the building is high enough it won’t be long until you reach terminal velocity (the effect will be that you are injured or die) however gravity is not thought of as justice. Buddhism believes that Karma works in the same way it is just natural cause and effect.

~ Contrary to popular misconception, karma has nothing to do with punishment and reward. It exists as part of our holographic universe’s binary or dualistic operating system only to teach us responsibility for our creations—and all things we experience are our creations. ~
Sol Luckman

Karma is a hidden object we cannot see it but it is all around us, its effects are sometimes apparent and sometimes not. To use Gravity as an example again, Gravity is also a hidden object we do not see Gravity but we experience its effects every single moment of our life. Karma is the law of cause and effect in our mind. We all have a mixture of negative and positive thoughts and actions and so everyone’s Karma is mixed. Buddhism teaches that much of our experience of Karma was created in past lives (but not all). When we weigh up our life carefully we can often see a pattern. Some areas of our life run fluently and other areas are fraught with tribulations. There are many people who live a long and exceptionally healthy life however that doesn’t mean that they are free from suffering or (negative Karma) indeed that same healthy person may endure immense difficulties in relationships or work. This made me consider areas in my life that have such patterns.

I have experienced very positive Karma in my romantic relationships. In my current partner I have met someone that I click with incredibly well, someone who shares my ideals and values and even in my previous relationships that have romantically ended most have completed on a positive note and I still hold high opinion of my ex partners.

I am in a job that I love, and despite the fact that I do not have a lot of money or material things as far as western standards go I do not live in a part of the world that is rife with poverty. I never go hungry or cold and I have my own flat that is comfortable and safe. Compared to most of the world’s population I am exceptionally well off.

Nevertheless there are areas of my life that I do not have such good Karma. My health is a good example. Although I have never experienced a devastating serious physical illness I have been plagued with little flaws in my body that have given me a lot of physical pain over the years, migraines, bowel problems, being prone to bouts of sickness when I see others far more fortunate to miss out on the stomach bugs and flues doing the rounds I have often felt somewhat jealous. I have experienced problems with my mental health that have had considerable impact on my life and relationships. I have experienced difficulties with friendships frequently finding it difficult to make connections with people on a level that is not romantic or sexual.

“The power of intention is the power to manifest, to create, to live a life of unlimited abundance, and to attract into your life the right people at the right moments.” ~ Wayne Dyer

Looking at the areas of my life where there are possible consequences of negative Karma gives me a vague picture of where I am more fortunate and where I may have areas I could develop. It also stops me viewing these circumstances in terms of fair or unfair because when you start to comprehend and value the concept of Karma the notion of fair and unfair is no longer pertinent. If I am self cherishing and worrying about my own happiness above everyone else’s I may believe that many of the events in my life that have past and will come to pass are unjust or unfair. I can suffer with this idea, permit it to make me more pessimistic and angry however when I look on all the events in my life and I see the bigger picture really appreciating the areas that I am fortunate and patiently accepting the areas where I am not so fortunate. I can see that in reality nothing I experience is unfair and I should remind myself when thinking about any suffering that has past or will come my way that there is always someone else who has experienced much greater suffering.

Understanding this does not mean that I should sit back and feel depressed and helpless believing that because I have already created so much negative Karma in this life and in past lives there is nothing I can do but accept all the negative events that will eventually ripen. Karma can be changed. Karma concerns specifically our mind because it is formed principally in our mind. We have to mentally think of an action before we can physically act and in-fact just by thinking and pondering on negative ideas we create negative karma even if we never get the chance to act on such impulses. The same goes for positive thoughts and intent. Our intention is more important than our actions. Whatever thoughts we have and subsequent actions we perform leaves us with an imprint on our very subtle mind. This is the part of us that is passed on from life to life. This imprint remains until all the conditions come together for that imprint to ripen. Certain circumstances may need to be present before we can undergo the results of the Karma we have created and this may take several life times or more but if we do nothing about those seeds they are guaranteed in time to ripen and we will undergo whatever effects have been caused (good, neutral or bad). Nonetheless before that seed/imprint ripens there is always a possibility to change our Karma by creating more positive Karma (merit) and by purificication.

Buddhists believe we can change our Karma by purification. To do this we must think about our mind and find out what Karma we may have or may be creating. Most people find there mind is more prone to negativity and thus have more negative than good Karma. We need to try and change those negative currents in order to change the potential for negative Karma – to cultivate positive intentions and avoid all negative intentions. Everyone regardless of faith will agree that 2 people may experience the same situation and perceive it in a very different way. A simple example of this is one person waking up looking out of the window and thinking “I hate the rain, I wanted it to be sunny, its not fair that its raining on my day off” they then go on to feel despondent for the rest of the day, not motivated to do anything and feeling pessimistic and aggravated. Another person on waking thinks “It’s raining today, I find the rain beautiful and refreshing” they go on to have a positive day enjoying the sensation of the raindrops and the subtle sounds and atmosphere of a stormy day. This is a very simple example but it can apply to any situation.

I am learning far quicker than I ever expected that through mindfulness and meditation it is possible to change those negative attitudes. The effects on my peace of mind and well-being have been profound. I am at such an early stage with all this and yet I already catch myself when my thoughts turn to negativity and I am able to change those old patterns and prevent small irritations from ruining my day. I am still working on the bigger things that get me down but at least I now believe it is possible to change my attitude to any situation.

The Buddha taught purification practice which relies on 4 thoughts,

Regret – “I wish I hadn’t done this” being self aware of our thoughts and actions and understanding when we have done or thought something to cause suffering and in turn created for ourselves negative Karma. So thinking about all the living beings we have hurt or caused harm too. Regret does not necessarily equal guilt it is simply understanding that we have caused ourselves negative Karma. Guilt is self centered people tend to focus on themselves when they feel guilty however one can regret wisely.

Reliance – Going for refuge to the Buddha and trying to repair some of the damage we have caused because of our harmful action. Saying sorry, wishing sincerely that the suffering will end and making peace and repairing the damage caused in our own mind.

Opponent Force – Being determined not to repeat the action however being realistic about what we can achieve. Also the act of giving, to make up for some of the suffering we have caused.

Promise – Committing to change in future and taking realistic action to change, example “I promise I won’t get angry again for the next hour”.


If everything we do is creating Karma both good and bad then it seems wise to be mindful of our thoughts and actions. There are many people who decide on a rational level that very little good can come of destructive thoughts and actions, even non Buddhists frequently agree with this and yet it is rare to come across somebody who really takes the time try and break these kinds of inclinations. Believing in Karma means letting go of the idea of luck and if there is no such thing as luck – only Karma then we can make a positive impact on our lives and future lives by creating positive merit instead of negative. By wishing other people free of suffering and doing all we can to help alleviate suffering we are doing something to change our situation. I can admit that I often have fleeting thoughts of I could do this, or I could do that (to benefit another person) and often those thoughts are quickly forgotten and replaced by more selfish thoughts. I am trying very hard to change this because ultimately I am no more important than any other living being. Just looking at the world around and observing all the war and poverty it is apparent that we are depleted on good merit. Gradually people are focusing more and more on there own happiness and wellbeing and forgetting to be kind to each other. I am asking myself now what good does this achieve long term? If I look back over my own life I have felt at my most peaceful and happy when I am not putting myself first and instead doing something to help others.

Currently I am going to great lengths to try and see the positive in other people no matter how conflicting our points of view or actions I am starting to see that every single person or living being adds something of value to my life. Even those people who have hurt me have taught me patience and forgiveness. I can see from the way my life is unfolding that I have a mixture of Karma good and bad and even though there is still part of me that is very wary of the idea of Buddhism as a religion I still agree with the philosophy I have been taught so far. I certainly do not believe it will do me or anyone else any harm if I try and change my attitude and focus on making more good Karma. At the very least it will be interesting to see where this takes me.

Reflecting on a year

The blue sky opens out farther and farther,the daily sense of failure goes away,the damage I have done to myself fades,a million suns come forward with light,when I sit firmly in that world.
I hear bells ringing that no one has shaken;inside “love” there is more joy than we know of;rain pours down, although the sky is clear of clouds;there are whole rivers of light.
~Kabir~

Yesterday was my year anniversary with Rick and I thought it be nice to mark the occasion by writing a short blog (a somewhat informal blog).

The entire year has been a happy one. That doesn’t mean that I have not had stressful or challenging times but I feel a profound awareness of contentment that I haven’t experienced in a way that has been more than fleeting up until this point. That is partially thanks to Rick and also thanks to doing a lot of self development. More recently embracing the values of Buddhism has helped me learn how to deal with anxiety and altered my perception on life in general to a more hopeful attitude. My social skills have improved and being a member of IOD has also made a big difference to my life and although I acknowledge that socializing and interacting with people is still a challenge for me I feel like its steadily becoming something more attainable. The catalyst for most of these changes has been the happiness I now feel in my relationship with Rick and so I think it’s worth reminding myself how thankful I should be for what I have.

When I first met Rick, which was a year past April, there was an instant pull. I remember sitting in his company and being mesmerized by him. If I am completely honest I am not usually attracted to men immediately in this way; which is why perhaps people have noted that some of my previous partners have not been what one would call traditionally handsome. However I tend to fall for a person as I get to know them and the physical appeal comes later. This means how they look is not important to me because I can be attracted to any physical shape or person if I connect with them in other ways. Men in general are not that desirable in my opinion. Physically I am much more inclined to look at woman in this way but that is not to say that I am Gay and in-fact I try my best to evade putting a label on my sexuality because frankly I think at best its unnecessary and at worst it breads fear and separation. When I am attracted to a person I just am, they can be any race, size, colour, gender, but when it comes to men the attraction is rarely physical in the beginning.

Rick breaks this rule. From the moment I met him I was very attracted to him and I still am. Everything about him absorbs me. When he is near it is physically strenuous to draw my attention away from looking at him. I often find myself talking to someone else when he is in the room and having to prompt myself to look at the person I am talking to and not just focus my gaze on him. I feel as though my eyes are addicted to him. It’s not just his face, or his body, in the strangest way possible it is everything down to the shape of his mouth, his wrists and hands and even feet. Even the smell of him attracts me to the point that it frustrates me when he baths because it takes a while for his natural smell to return. I’m attracted to the sound of his voice, his accent, the way he says certain words and the phrases he uses. I adore the way he smiles or frowns and how his lips move and head tilts as he talks. I could sit and just watch him all day and be content.

The day back in April when I first met and had a conversation with him I knew at once that I wanted to get to know him more. I remember contemplating going along to places he might be just so that I could accidentally bump into him again. I’m not sure I believe in love at first sight but I am betting that those who do would perhaps be describing a feeling similar to this. A completely unexplainable attraction to someone I really didn’t know.

It was 5 months until I saw him again as due to life events and being pregnant dating was not really an option. Fortunately thanks to a mutual friend who set us up on a date/night out I did eventually get my chance to meet him again. Surprisingly I was really nervous and insecure about this first date because I found it hard to believe that someone as attractive as he was would be interested in me (although I had been informed by said mutual friend that he was). I didn’t believe I could be that fortunate. I still have those self-doubting moments where I think this can’t possibly be my reality.

Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

On that second meeting I was tense. I was sitting with a bunch of friends with him in-front of me and us both knowing that our mutual friend was trying to set us up and that we both liked each other but there was a knot in my stomach making me feel sick and I suddenly had no idea what to say. Gradually I became more comfortable as we started talking and talking and then I have a powerful memory off him touching my hand and it feeling wonderful and just perfect to have him touch me. We ended up sitting closer and closer holding hands and talking. Everyone else left and we stayed behind before slowly walking hand in hand to catch them up as we passed down one of the side streets off the town I got the nerve from somewhere to pull him into me and kissed him hard on the lips.

I used to feel slightly disapproving of people who had whirlwind romantic relationships. I felt that it only reasonable and right that people take there time and really consider the consequences of making commitments too soon. I thought I should be very careful of saying words like “I love you”. The only word I have to describe the first few months of our relationship was cyclone. We spent the first 2 weeks talking incessantly about everything and being pretty much incapable of keeping our hands of each other (not much has changed in that department J). I think if it wasn’t for work or other commitments we may not have ever gotten out of bed. He told me he loved me after 2 and half weeks and he had moved into my flat within 3 months. I think that people may have thought and might even still think that we are completely mental but in reality it is the best thing I have ever done. The start of our relationship may have been unusual due to the polyamory set-up and it may have been far too manic and rapid for any sensible person but really there isn’t a single thing that I regret because it feels like my life up until now has just been leading up to this point.

LET us go then, you and I,

When the evening is spread out against the sky

Like a patient etherised upon a table;

Let us go,

through certain half-deserted streets,

The muttering retreats

Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels

And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:

Streets that follow like a tedious argument

Of insidious intent

To lead you to an overwhelming question …

Oh, do not ask,

“What is it?”

Let us go and make our visit.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

If someone could create for me the perfect man/the perfect partner, then they would have created Rick. Intellectually, mentally, spiritually, physically everything fits perfectly. I sometimes have to remind myself that he is not this appealing to everyone because every once in a while I come across someone who doesn’t get on with him and he is so wonderful to me in every way shape and form that it’s hard to understand why other people don’t feel exactly as I do. Perhaps some people might say it’s unhealthy but I completely adore him, worship him, would do anything for him even follow him to the ends of the earth and back. The fact that this wonderful person is telling me that he is equally as in love with me as I am with him still astounds me.

I am not sure I believe in the concept of a soul, or at least not in the modern sense of the word but if I had to pick a word to describe our relationship I would call him my soulmate, my twin soul, twin flame and all those other things that I thought only hippy crazy people believed.

I think I should probably stop gushing now.