Following on from the last blog on unconditional regard

The religion of the future will be a cosmic religion. It should transcend personal God and avoid dogma and theology. Covering both the natural and the spiritual, it should be based on a religious sense arising from the experience of all things natural and spiritual as a meaningful unity. Buddhism answers this description. If there is any religion that could cope with modern scientific needs it would be Buddhism. (Albert Einstein)

Following up from my last blog and recent class with http://meditateinedinburgh.org/mahabodhi-centre/resident-teacher

Last nights class again focused on unconditional regard/love but in a bit more detail this time.

One thing that came up is how we often love/cherish our partner at the start of a relationship. When things are new we want to do everything we can to make that person happy and in return the start of a new relationship is often the best part, we get the most out of it because we are really cherishing that person. Sadly as time goes on we start to demand more and give less and thus there is a cycle of both persons not being happy because “my needs are not being met” and yet we are not considering that we are expecting our needs be met and not pausing to reflect what we are giving to this person we are supposed to love.

If I truthfully look at myself and my own past relationships I can see this pattern undoubtedly. With Chris for example I got distressed and angry because he didn’t meet my needs. I wanted a tidy house, I wanted someone who would spend time with me at home, and I wanted a lot from him that I felt he didn’t give. Essentially I wanted to be happy. I assumed that if he did these things I would be happy. If I turn this around he could certainly have felt the same. He wanted someone who accepted him without seeking to change him, someone who wanted to go out socialize more and meet friends to do the things he wanted. I also did not meet his needs. The consequence; we stopped cherishing each other.

I want to avoid this pattern with Rick and so I endeavor to be mindful and aware of what I am doing to cherish him. In my daily meditation I will remind myself that when I let something go, even something as simple as feeling like I can’t be bothered to make him lunch (which is a small thing that I often do because I love him) I am allowing myself to become complacent and the result will be that I feel less content because it is the cherishing that I get the most happiness from. The things he does for me just add to our love but as soon as I feel that I have a right to those things and put my own needs above his will be when I stop feeling as satisfied and happy in this relationship. It is cherishing and loving him unconditionally that gives me the most fulfillment.

I often think on what unconditional love means. Is it possible and can there be some kind of limit. People can do dreadful things and if we stop loving someone because they have done something dreadful does that mean that we never loved them unconditionally in the first place? I think with Rick I would love him regardless of what he did, I may not choose to stay around him if he where doing those things and making no effort to stop but that does not mean I would not love him. I would perhaps walk away from the romantic relationship but I would dedicate my time and energy into helping him.

I want to gradually urge this outlook further to friends, family and strangers. Sometimes it feels unattainable to have a caring attitude towards everyone but when I think about how it makes me feel when I get stressed or angry at people I realise it does me no good. Hating someone and wishing them harm only serves to disturb my own mind. I am by no means at the point in my life where I have regard for everyone unconditionally. I can read awful things in the paper that have happened to people hundreds of miles from me and if I am candid with myself I am rarely moved to do anything to help these strangers. I tend to empathize mostly with people or circumstances that I have previously myself experienced, I do not stop to consider that there are many things in this world that cause suffering most of which I have been lucky enough to avoid. I am privileged at this point in my life regardless of what pain I may have experienced in my past. The suffering of any person or living being in this world could just as easily be happening to me.

When I spoke in my last blog about people who challenge me I did not mean to cause those people offence or harm. There are many people who challenged me and the situations I wrote about in my last blog where just situations that have happened most recently or that were at the front of my mind at the time of writing. I value the fact that those things happened at a time in my life when I am starting to do some self development and see the world from a more rational perception. No matter what my opinion is of any one person that opinion changes continuously depending on the situation or knowledge that I have about them at the time. Nobody is inherently good or bad and my perception and opinion is based on a very narrow view of them, there are to many variables to make it of any useful significance. When I consider what goes on in my mind and my own motivations and ways of relating to the world I know that with any person that I meet and interact with I am getting only a tiny pin prick view of who that person is. Like me they will have some desirable and undesirable qualities but usually those qualities are not intentionally created to hurt others.

To use myself as an example, I know that I sometimes lose my temper and can be extremely harsh to people. Later I’m inclined to regret those outbursts but I am aware that a person seeing me in this mind frame would think me overly harsh, and perhaps simply malicious. They are unlikely to be-friend or like me if there main interaction with me is when I am in that state of mind. However usually I react this way as a defense, when I feel vulnerable or when I think someone is about to hurt me (such as get in there first before they do) my impetus for acting this way is not because I inherently want to hurt others it is a delusion I have formed to shield myself. Despite knowing this is a delusion and outbursts of this sort do nothing to protect me from future hurt I have gotten into the habit of reacting this way and so I have to work hard at breaking this habit.

Another example is attention seeking behaviors. This is often seen as intrinsically negative. Often people with this trait lose out on friendships and regard. I want to admit here and now that I have in the past been attention seeking and intermittently slip back into this pattern. My motivation for doing this isn’t to annoy the pants of my friends, and family it’s generally just the case of me feeling desperately low about something and not knowing how to ask for help in a more constructive way. For a long time I felt upset about something I did not feel I could talk about openly with any person. I needed some relief and that meant that other things became a bigger issue. As I get older and work on my own issues I am learning more and more how to cope with negative emotions. When I see others acting out in ways that are assumed as creating unnecessary drama, or attention seeking I try and remember the place I was in 4 or 5 years ago and remind myself that even now I may still act this way from time to time. Suddenly that person is not an inconvenience or nuisance but a real person with the same perceptions and feelings as I have and thus has as much right as I do to love and attention. It is easy for me to have compassion for people with the similar qualities as I have because I can understand possible motivations for such. However I want to extend this to all undesirable behaviors because with any person I do not know what drives them to act the way they do and to assume that they are doing something out of spite or malice says more about my negative world view than it does there’s. It also serves me or the person in question no good if I respond to them in a negative way. It won’t change there behavior towards me (or others) and viewing them as bad does nothing to help keep my own mind in remain in a positive state.

Never by hatred is hatred appeased, but it is appeased by kindness. This is an eternal truth. (Buddha)

I used to have a very negative view of people, actually that extended to the world in general. I was afraid everyone was a person who wanted to hurt me. I’d gotten into the pattern of focusing on only the negative and seeing no goodness in people anymore. Surprisingly what changed this attitude was losing my baby. Possibly the most awful experience in my entire life and yet it showed me that there is a fundamental kindness in people. There are situations when a complete stranger will go far out of there way to care for another human being.

In the hospital I was entirely vulnerable and at the mercy of those people, doctors and nurses looking after me. The care I was shown at this point in my life changed my entire perspective of the human race. I remember being terrified of giving birth and in an extreme amount of pain due to the normal contractions of labor and the fact I had a massive infection in my womb. The midwife's looking after me where on 12 hour shifts, rushed of there feet and frankly must have been exhausted. Yet several sat with me over the 2 days that I was in this state. If I was alone for any length of time ether because Chris had gone for a moment or he was asleep someone would come and sit with me. At 4am one nurse sat with me for over 3 hours holding my hand, talking to me about the baby and what to expect and make sure that I had some pain relief to get me through the worst of the contractions. I was very afraid of looking at my baby after I delivered. I knew it would be dead and I didn’t know what to expect. The midwifes where incredibly respectful and understanding because I was so distraught they took him away immediately after he was born, cleaned him for me and then when I was ready brought him back wrapped in a shawl and in a tiny Moses basket.

They took the time and effort to care for his tiny body and when I was handed him I was not afraid to look at him or spend time with him. Had they not been so patient with me and went to so much effort I may have been to afraid to have ever looked at him and that would have been something I know now I would regret. They took photos of him for me so that I would not forget how he looked and arranged contact with a charity that could help me arrange a funeral/cremation. None of those things where essential parts of there job, they didn’t have to be so patient with me or give me so much of there time and attention and yet they did. One midwife was in constant contact with my own Mum who was too ill to be with me so that she wouldn’t be worried about what was happening or how I was being looked after.

I cannot deny and I am sure Chris would agree that the entire experience was the saddest thing we have ever had to deal with but the way that it has changed my perception and attitude to the world and to life in general has added a great deal of value to my life.

One of the challenging situations I had to deal with after this happened was a Christian acquaintance suggesting that I needed to consider the possibility that God took my baby because I was not a Christian. It is not the first comment by members of other faiths that have gotten to me on an emotional level. It can be challenging relating with people from other faiths and religions. I have gotten past that particular comment however from time to time I do come across Christians who swing to the fundamentalist side of there faith. How do I deal with someone telling me I am going to burn in the fiery pits of hell because I don’t believe what they do? How do I respond in a positive manner when they insist that they are right and I am wrong and how can I possibly appreciate those values that I see as profoundly harmful to others?

It’s not up to me to change there opinions. What they get out of there religion and beliefs is not for me to judge it is my belief that only that person themselves can make judgments about what they do. There are people who are Christians who are very good people and when I open my mind and think about the fundamental reason why any person would be Christian or a member of any faith it is because they desire to be a good person, they desire love (from god). I cannot feel negative about anyone looking to be loved. Having the bible tell them what is right and wrong gives sanctuary in there actions. If I do A then Y will happen, if I do B then X will happen. There is a list of right and wrong, good and bad and there must be some real refuge in feeling like there is a God looking out for us. These people tend of have very real experiences of there faith, many feel they have been touched by god, (or Jesus) and more significantly they are convinced that there way is right, often feeling that it is the only way.

“John 14:6 [Jesus speaking] "I am the way, the truth, and the life: No man cometh unto the father, but by me".

“John 3:16-18 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. {17}”

“{18} He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God."

So the bible is very clear that If you do not believe that Jesus was the son of god, or if you do not believe in God and follow some other faith no matter how good you are as a person, no matter how kind, considerate and caring you will not be accepted into the kingdom of heaven and instead you will remain eternally in hell and the people who believe in the bible believe it to be complete truth, the word of God.

So…

When you are a Christian and you care about people that are not Christian that must be very unsettling because it’s only natural that people would not want those they love and care for to end up in hell. This is the key to the debate. No matter how much I dislike this view these people truly believe that I will go to hell because I do not believe what they do. Thus they really want me to believe what they do because they yearn to save me, in-fact they feel it is there duty to do so. This is not because they are trying to disrespect my faith. My faith doesn’t even come into it, I could be the most peace loving enlightened person on the planet, or I could be a demon worshiping Satanist; in the fundamentalist Christian opinion I will still go to hell because I do not believe in the bible or God. With that in mind it is impossible for me to feel angry at these people because there actions are motivated by compassion not disrespect or hate. No matter how much I believe there compassion is misplaced it does not take away the fact that there actions are done out of kindness. Furthermore there is nothing I can do or say to persuade them that I am perfectly safe and it’s not my place to try and change there faith. What I can do is try to be patient, be thankful that I do not share that view and try my best to respect and see the value in them as individual people who are trying to do the right thing.

I believe that Jesus was an enlightened man. Is he the most enlightened man that ever walked the earth? No, this is not my belief but I still see value in his teachings even if I do not agree with every word he is alleged to have said. I do not trust or believe that what is in the bible is the word of god, or indeed that if one is fundamentally sticking to all the principles and rules in the bible they will be the best people that they can be.

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find anything that agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. (Siddhartha Gautama - The Buddha), 563-483 B.C.”

This is my belief, however others that have looked at the bible, have been moved by it and came to the decision that they trust it to be the word of God. I respect that and I hope that it brings them peace and contentment in this life and for whatever future lifetimes that may follow.

Reflecting after the weekend on unconditional positive regard

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

I am finally getting around to writing about Mondays meditation class. I haven’t felt that I could write anything constructive till now because I have been processing a lot of emotions since the weekend.

Monday night we had a class at the Mahabodhi Centre with Paul Ashton http://meditateinedinburgh.org/mahabodhi-centre/resident-teacher.

I arrived at the class on Monday feeling provoked and edgy. A fantastic weekend had turned into an emotional nightmare by the Sunday evening and by Monday morning things had gone from bad to worse. I was not a composed, peaceful, or rational thinking person on Monday and so I hoped the class might do me some good.

I had been feeling disappointed in myself for being unable to contain my overwhelming feelings of frustration and rage especially when Rick was able to remain graceful and calm despite the fact that he was the one taking the brunt of negativity. Nonetheless I do believe that anytime something like this has happens it is an opportunity to grow and learn.

The talk on Monday was about unconditional love. Something that in reality is far harder to comprehend than I would initially believe. When I thought about what unconditional love means on a large scale and then compared that to my own somewhat narrow view on the world I started to realise that most of my perception is still centered on me, and my world and my feelings. We talked about how we label people as friends, enemies and strangers and how these labels are forever changing and therefore un-reliable. What does letting go of those labels mean? Can we really love everyone unconditionally? I know at this point in my life I have trouble even liking everyone there are many people who act in ways that make me perceive them to be bad people and what about the strangers? How can I care about people I don’t actually know, people I have never met and might never meet?

Starting with the people I think of as friends. I judge them based on how they interact with me and how I perceive them. There are some people that were once friends that I know longer consider as such and that is usually because they have done something that I regard as undesirable. I let my affection for them go and either dissipate valuable energy hating them or simply ignore them and go back to thinking of them as strangers – people that don’t exist to me. Except they do exist and they have there own feelings, purpose and perceptions of life. There is no way of me knowing what motivates them or what encounters they have that make them function the way they do. They can have delusions and ideas that are not compatible with my own and yet if we strip all that away, take away all the negative experiences and go back to the raw potential we can see that no matter what these people do they exist and they have the same budding as anyone else to be good or bad.

So the conclusion I came too was that I should not judge people on how they act. I should not judge people at all because I do not know there thoughts or motivations.

At this point in my life I admit I find that difficult but that does not mean I disagree that it is possible. It was after the class that I started to re-evaluate my own feelings towards people in my life.

There is one person who at this point in my life I am often agitated, perturbed by. This person has know idea how I feel about them because our interaction is actually narrow but despite that for various reasons they have an impact on my emotional state and often I find myself thinking poorly of them.

The reason being, this person appears to me to be patronizing, constantly sarcastic to the point that it appears they are trying to make everyone else look stupid and difficult to get to know or even have a conversation with. I feel they are always looking down on me and others and to make matters worse often treating someone I care about in a way that I consider to be mean. After Mondays class when we left and talked about this person I was able to view them in a different light. I don’t know what triggers them to react the way they do but instead of viewing it as something very negative I had a think about what I do know about this person. That they are remarkably insecure and perhaps unhappy, what I do know about there life there have been many things that have happened that could have made it difficult for this person to be happy. There is a possibility that they sarcasm and such are simply ways this person has of shielding themselves and since I do not know what causes them to be so closed off I really have no right to judge based on some small interactions. I guess others could argue that it is equally possible that they really are just mean and condescending but it does not do me any good to view people with negative and destructive assumptions and rather it is far more beneficial to give people the benefit of the doubt. Any energy I have spent feeling upset or frustrated at this person is wasteful. It won’t do me any good and if I react in a negative way I am likely to simply cause the situation to get worse. If instead I turned that into unconditional positive regard and started feeling some compassion for this person perhaps in some small way our interaction might change for the better and at the very least I will no longer be taking up precious time feeling disturbed and irritated.

The next thing the class got me thinking about was attachment. When you consider unconditional love for everyone it is natural to take a moment to consider those we love anyway. I have always been puzzled about how Buddhism views attachment in regards to love. Especially when it comes to normal lay people who have husbands, wife’s, children, friends and other family because if all attachment is corrupt then how does one begin to feel love for the people close to them without being attached. In the end I realise it is not possible or at least it does not feel like something I can do. What is more realistic is I monitor the attachments I do have and try and love unconditionally regardless of my attachment. I also believe it is important to consider my attachments when they cause me or the people I love problems.

My attachment to Rick has recently caused us problems. After the incident at the weekend I realise that I am slightly over protective. I could see that my emotional reaction to something happening that caused him suffering was at an extreme level. Had the same thing happened to me personally I would not have felt such extreme emotions but because it was Rick who is someone I love unconditionally my mind became so disturbed I was unable to think rationally. I could believe that this is perfectly ok and normal because I love Rick therefore I do not wish him to come to any harm and thus I will feel angry and upset if others seem to be causing him pain. However when I think about this on a deeper level I realise that part of the reason that I felt this was because I perceived it in an unhealthy way. Rick is MY partner and you are hurting something that belongs to me therefore I will be angry at you because you are hurting something that is mine. He does not belong to me and he has his own feelings and rational which I completely ignored in my fit of fury. Anything that has happened over the weekend has been towards him. The unfairness and insensitive comments where directed at him and not me, the consequences of those things will affect only him and yet he has been more graceful and calm than I could ever imagine.

What happened to Rick was dreadfully unreasonable. For one mistake he will have consequences that could possibly take years to recover. It seems that any hard work he has done in the past and will continue to do in the future despite this situation has been forgotten. The fact that it is unfair does not mean I have any right to rage at him and anyone else nor is it useful. I do not know the motivation of the person(s) who came to the decision and I probably never will. It may or may not have been motivated by anger rather than professional conduct or it may be the case that the person simply felt that the mistake he made was worthy of a 5 year punishment. I do not know and it’s not helpful for me to be angry. What I am trying to do now is feel compassion for those that made the decision and let go of any negative feelings developing because of this situation. I am partially hopeful that given some time they may realise that what has came to pass is unreasonable and even if that does not change the circumstances for Rick perhaps it may be different for someone else in the future.

What this situation has taught me is that I am extremely lucky to be with such a person who can carry on doing his thing, (in his own little world) without any hate or malice to the people and society that have done this to him. He has taken responsibility for his mistake and will accept a punishment lasting years if the people in charge decide this is what he deserves. He has not even stopped to consider the fairness or unfairness of it and more importantly he has no ill regard for anyone because of the events. Part of the reason I am so passionate about defending him is because fundamentally he is a good person. That does not mean I think he is perfect or he won’t make mistakes but since I have known him he has always taken responsibility for those mistakes and spends time reflecting on how his actions are affecting others. It is not that he is better than anyone else or more deserving of love its simply that I see so much value in his self awareness and ability to try and do the right thing. In the year that I have had the privilege of being his other half I have been aware that I have found something really precious and rare. It is as though he is unspoiled. There are many good people who get dragged down by life experiences and I almost feel afraid that any hurt caused to him will change that goodness he seems to hold. It’s usually something I only see in children, a sort of pureness.

I am attempting to spend the next week reflecting in my meditation the meaning of unconditional love and remembering the kindness that I stumble across in my daily life. I am trying to remember that people are doing me kindness every day and often I do not stop to reflect on this. I used to have a very negative view of the human race because I often spent more time thinking about the bad things our society has and forgetting that there are many things people do everyday that are kind. I hope to eventually find myself able to let go of negative perceptions and at least give every human being the same regard in spite of how they may act or appear to me because fundamentally we all have the ability to be good its experiences along the way that throw us from that course.

To be Thankful

After my second meditation class with Paul Ashton http://meditateinedinburgh.org/mahabodhi-centre/resident-teacher were we had a talk on being thankful I have taken the opportunity to examine my life and see all the things I have that make me remarkably privileged.

Starting with the concept of just being born human, something I confess I had not given a lot of though too. I have never considered the possibility that the chances of me being born at all, let alone born with all the advantages of being a human being is actually extraordinary. There are by far more animals and insects in this world than people. Because I am born human I have the advantage of self awareness, intelligence and a great many other things that animals and insects do not have. As a human being I may use and develop this self awareness to varying degrees but the point is I have the potential to develop my mind. Along with the advantage of being born human I have also been born into one of the richer countries in this world. So even though by western standards I could easily consider myself to be poor if I compare myself with the rest of the world I am not living in poverty. I never go without food, I have access to clean drinking water, a safe house to live and sleep. I do not live in the middle of a war zone and I have enough money that I can afford gas and electricity and all my basic survival needs are met. I may not have a lot of money but I can afford luxuries that many people in this world could never afford. I do not live in a country where I am repressed. I am free to practice any faith, be that Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, or even Wicca in-fact if I wanted to I could call myself a Satanist or a Witch and nobody would stop me because it is my right to practice whatever faith I wish. There are places in the world where people have to meet in secret to worship in a way that they want. There have been times in the history of the country I now live in where people have been burned, hanged and had all sorts of dreadful suffering due to there faith.

If I am honest it is difficult for me to fully comprehend these facts. I can look at the statistics, I can see people struggling to survive on my television set who are hundreds and thousands of miles away and yes I do feel for them but I do not believe that I really realize that these people are just like me. They have thoughts, feelings and it could be me in that situation. It is hard to step out of my comfortable world and empathize.

Along with these huge advantages there are also lots of smaller things in my life that I sometimes forget to be thankful for. I have a job that I love. That is rare. I know many people who live only for the weekend and dread waking up in the morning to spend the day doing something that gives them no fulfillment. There may be things about my job that could be better but at the end of the day what I do gives me a feeling of well being. I have genuine regard for the people I work for, and the people I work with. I have freedom at work to be creative and use my initiative. I have opportunities to develop and become a better more patient and understanding person through work. The company I work for although not perfect is still a very good company especially when I compare it to other places I have worked. I can sometimes feel negative about work because like everything there are always little things that I think could be better. If only I had more money, more weekends off, less stress, less evening shifts etc… I often feel aggravated on my travel time home from work which can take me up to an hour and half. When I remember why it is that I decided to take this job a fair distance from home; the fact that it was a great job and one that I knew I would enjoy, makes that hour+ worthwhile. I want to try and think on the positive things about my job so instead of being a little bit dissatisfied I want to remind myself how lucky I am that I have a job, and that I usually look forward to going to work.

I am also thankful for my home. It has caused me the most stress over the last few months due to the fact that it needs some work and that work will be costly. I can also feel a lot of pressure and stress around money. However gradually my home is becoming a place that I can enjoy. A sanctuary and place I feel safe. For a time there will still be stress around money and current living arrangements and lack of space but there are things we have done and plan to do that will make it a much nicer place to be.

The thing I am most thankful for perhaps the most is having such a wonderful supportive partner. How lucky we both are to have been born in the same lifespan, to have then met each other, and to fit so perfectly. To have met at times in both our life’s when we are ready for this kind of relationship. Having someone that loves me unconditionally and someone who shares all of my core values has been an incredible experience. I think I have felt happier this year than I have ever felt in my entire life. Every-time I look at Rick I feel a warm and happy glow. It is nice to have someone to meditate with and discuss the changes and values I want to create in my life long term.

When I view romantic love I do not consider someone to be my other half. He is his own person and so am I but we are enjoying developing our awareness together as a couple and exploring and challenging each other to strive to learn more and become more peaceful and content as individuals. Rick seems to compliment me perfectly. In regards to Buddhism I am not sure if romantic love is always considered attachment and thus not something that is always viewed as positive. However I cannot count my blessings without counting Rick as one of those blessing as well as my friends and family.

My plan this week is to continue the meditation we learned during the class on Monday where we contemplate the things that we are thankful for, and then try and hold the feelings of peace and contentment that gives us. I can definitely say that just thinking about this as I go about my day is already giving me a feeling of peace and happiness.

Dealing with difficulties and keeping a peaceful mind.

Dealing with difficulties and keeping a peaceful mind.

Being conscious of what I want to attain in my mind is helpful. I want a composed and peaceful mind that is not easily influenced by external stress. I want a mind that feels compassion and love for every living thing. Achieving this not at all easy. I do not sit on my high horse looking down at everyone else believing myself to be better because I am trying to wake myself up and see the world from a different perspective. I do not believe I can achieve this simply by the knowledge alone that it is possible.

What I have had most trouble with this week is dealing with stress in general. It has felt like a stressful week. Working 6 days with little time to myself to rest, or meditate and having some financial difficulties added with the fact that I am still currently living with an ex partner who although I have the upmost regard for, it is still sometimes difficult to have gone through a huge change of relationship (what most would term a break-up) and yet still remain in each others space before any real processing has been done.

I want to hold my hands up now and say that I have not been compassionate, kind, loving or peaceful around or towards Chris this week. He has been my main challenge and I feel I could be dealing with things better. I am often seeing my point of view, and putting my wants, needs and feelings before his. I am seeing the world from my usual perspective of myself being the centre. I am trying to work through this and find a way to be calmer and to handle the various issues that come up in a way that is not hurtful and destructive to our friendship.

It is possible for me to list many things about Chris and about our situation that I find difficult. I can list all the reasons I choose to end our romantic involvement and I can rant and bitch. In the short term that ranting may even make me feel a little better but I know from experience that in the long term anger and bitterness are not constructive and simply damage both my own peace of mind and that of someone who deep down I have a lot of regard for. As much as I can focus on the flaws and mistakes Chris has made if I take a step back I can see many things I have done and said that have hurt him.

Part of me feels that if we had space and some time apart to process our feelings now that our relationship is no longer romantic we would find this much easier to cope with. However that is not possible or practical as financially the 3 of us living together is the best option. I also feel that my simply wishing for the situation to be different and dwelling on the negative aspects of our living arrangements will over-shadow the amount of learning and growth that could come about due to this circumstance. Yes it is difficult at times but that does not mean it is fruitless, nor does it mean that it has to be un-pleasant. At this point in my life this particular relationship challenges me I am trying to see that as an opportunity rather than a curse. I do not look upon Chris as my enemy however this quote does sum up the way I would like to view this situation.

“In one way, having an enemy is very bad. It disturbs our mental peace and destroys some of our good things. But if we look at it from another angle, only an enemy gives us the opportunity to practice patience. No one else provides us with the opportunity for tolerance. Since we do not know the majority of the five billion human beings on this earth, therefore the majority of people do not give us an opportunity to show tolerance or patience either. Only those people whom we know and who create problems for us really provide us with a good opportunity to practice tolerance and patience”
Dalai Lama

Chris may not be my enemy, but he is someone who currently challenges me. Working through the issues around our break-up and re-negotiating our friendship and bounds is difficult but it is giving us both a chance to grow empathy for a point of view that we do not yet understand. Our main concern at the moment is having different views around our home. Around how a home should be and what time and energy is put into creating an environment we both enjoy. We are sorting out financial things that have built up over time and are now causing a great deal of strain however we are in the fortunate position that any difficulties we are facing can be solved.

I received some news today that put all my stress, worry and anger into perspective. Some things cannot be changed or taken back and regardless of how hard and frustrating things might seem to me now as I experience them, in the scheme of life my problems are tiny and almost insignificant.

and so I will try to do better.

Selflessness and Compassion

Let your love flow outward through the universe,To its height, its depth, its broad extent,A limitless love, without hatred or enmity.Then as you stand or walk,Sit or lie down,As long as you are awake,Strive for this with a one-pointed mind;Your life will bring heaven to earth. Sutta Nipata

Tonight I attended a Buddhist meditation class in town. It’s something I have been thinking of doing for a long time but since I am cautious of organized religion I gave it some serious thought before attending. In the end Rick and I both decided to go along with an open mind. The experience was positive. The guided meditation was valuable and I feel I learned some basic skills that I can take into my own meditation practice at home. I enjoyed the talk on some of the philosophy behind Buddhism as it has given me some food for thought.

One of the topics we touched on is the idea of selfishness. This seems a severe topic to be explored but it wasn’t put across in a harsh way. We are all selfish, and when you examine your mind and really think about your motivation, even in acts that might seem selfless it is possible to find some selfish reasons and thoughts that are part of the motivation. This is because we are all the centre of our own worlds. We perceive, feel, and see the world through our own eyes and so it is in our interests to put our own needs first. What I found interesting is taking myself temporarily out of this mindset and trying to see the world in a different way. That every living being, human, or animal all have basic needs and wants. Everyone is seeking happiness and everyone has felt or will feel suffering. People and animals rarely do things they know will cause them suffering. If everyone feels as I do, and has the ability to feel happy and sad then I am not the centre and it is only my perception that makes me think and act as if I am. In reality I am no more important or unimportant than any other living being.

It is difficult to keep this mindset for long because it’s not the natural way of perceiving. However when I was able to momentarily step out of my own world, and my own way of perceiving I was able to realise fully for the first time that my own wellbeing and contentment is no more important than any other person or living being. My own feelings towards any living being is irrelevant I do not need to know them personally, they could be at the other side of the world and have nothing in common with me but because they exists and the feel just as I do they are as significant and insignificant as I am.

It puts into question then, why do I continue to seek out my own comfort and wellbeing and why do I often lack the awareness of the feelings and needs of others around me. My self is my primary concern only because it is necessary that I fill my basic needs such as food, warmth, and water in order to survive. However that does not mean that I should not develop awareness of the needs of others or that given the choice I should always please myself first.

With this knowledge I felt like I am able to step back from my own perception of the world and appreciate that I am in a position where my basic survival needs are met and I am in a place where I can affect other peoples life’s for the better.

I would like to strive to do this in a way that is not motivated from self-interest. (This is easier said than done). I may endeavor to be a good person and yet I rarely go deep enough into my consciousness to consider what my motivations are. I choose to be a support worker because I want to help people but if I think deeper I can see that at least some of my drive to work in this field is based on the fulfillment and feelings of wellbeing I get because I am helping people and so even the desire for that feeling of wellbeing is based on my own desires. Bringing this awareness into my consciousness does not mean that I will not have selfish motivations but by making myself aware of them I can make better choices.

Another point is how hard it is to view all beings as equal. There are people whose opinion I will find abhorrent, there are people who I will disagree with, misunderstand, feel furious at and yet they are just as important as I am. How to even begin to change ones outlook to one of complete acceptance and equality? This, I feel I have been striving to do for well over a year. I have started to view each individual person with unconditional compassion. A quote from the Dalai Lama;

“Your love and compassion towards your friends is in many cases actually attachment, This feeling is not based on the realization that all beings have an equal right to be happy and to overcome suffering, Instead, it is based on the idea that something is ‘mine’ my friend or something good for ‘me’. That is attachment. Thus, when the person’s attitude towards you changes, your feelings of closeness immediately disappears. With the other way, you develop some kind of concern irrespective, of the other person’s attitude to you, simply because that person is a fellow human being and has every right to overcome suffering. Whether that person remains neutral to you or even becomes your enemy, your concern should remain.”

This is a very hard concept to embrace. How difficult is it to feel empathy for those people that show us none, or who go one step further actively hurt us. Why should there needs and wants be considered important if they seem to be deliberately causing others harm?

From my experience and I am only 26 years old so I will admit that my experience is still limited. I have gained nothing from hate. There have been many people in my life who have hurt me in some way, or shown me no regard. There are those I have hated for years and it has done me no good. Usually it causes my mind to be disturbed, and tense. It is only at times in my life when I have not only let go of that hate but actively attempted to feel some compassion for that person that I have felt any peace. No matter what that person has done to me, no matter how bad the deed done or what affect it’s had on my life, letting go of the anger and hatred has always been a positive experience.

I can say now that I hold no grudges. There are fleeting moments of annoyance, agitation, or anger over another persons action’s but now I make a point to let it go and try to give that person the same regards as anyone else. It seems it is the people that challenge me that I learn the most from. Today’s talk and guided mediation has built on what I have already been trying to do and given me an even wider perspective. My aim this week is to meditate and keep bringing my awareness back to unbiased compassion. I hope to keep stepping out of my world and my perception where my own thoughts and feelings are the centre of my world and continue to bring my consciousness back to the knowledge that this is only perception and not reality.

I am certain there will be moments when I am directing anger towards another person. Like everyone else I have moments when I want to stamp my feet and swear at people because they are doing something I deem unfair but I am hoping if I work hard on this those moments will become even fewer and I can hopefully gain a more peaceful state of mind and thus effect the people around me in a positive way, even those who are not able to return the good goodwill.