I thought I would start an update on how I am experiencing monogamy after so many years of polyamory.
I don’t feel monogamous. I know that is in-fact the only word to describe how I am living but it doesn’t feel the same as monogamy ever felt in the past. There is still openness and we have carried much of the ethics developed because of polyamory into our new kind of relationship. I don’t feel constrained in the sense that I am not permitted other partners and we are still communicating openly about other people we are attracted too. I don’t feel like we are closing our relationship to other people and yet I equally don’t feel like we will add anyone new. It is a strange place to be – or at least it is a strange place for me to be after a long time of sexual liberation and freedom; where I could act upon any romantic/sexual chemistry. There are still a select few people in my life that I can look at and imagine being intimate with yet I don’t feel deprived of the chance to experience them despite being exclusive to one partner.
I realise that what I have gained in the years of polyamory I could never have gained if I had not opened myself up to that life. Sexually I no longer have any inhibitions. I don’t feel guilt for experimenting and allowing myself the chance to explore that aspect of myself with more than one man. I used to think that I didn’t want to sleep about, that my worth diminished the more people I slept with. This is mostly due to upbringing and old fashioned values around female sexuality. I then went through a rebellious stage where I felt like I would just fuck whoever I wanted and not give a dam. That was fun when it lasted but it wasn’t really me because although I am a very sex positive person I also have a very particular type of man that I am attracted too. I like intelligence, open mindedness and someone who also has the ability to be self aware and explore the deeper levels of intimacy through being physical. Just getting off, for no reason other than the feeling alone has never been something that satisfied me. Let’s be honest if all I want out of sex is an orgasm I can do that with my hand. I want more and to get more out of sex it cannot be a casual one night affair. I am in a place now where I have accepted my kinks in the bedroom and I have no hang ups about being a female with an exceptionally high sex drive. It is incredible how society subtly female sexual liberty as something distasteful. Nowadays this is not usually a direct attack and more on a subconscious level. We are conditioned to expect men to think about sex all the time and not woman. I must be in the minority because it’s on my mind 90 percent of the time and if Rick is in my direct line of sight you can guarantee it is crossing my mind repeatedly.
I have been thinking a lot about why I feel so relaxed now about the exclusiveness of my relationship and yet even now the word monogamy makes me feel uneasy. I suppose that it is the connotations of monogamy that I dislike. The idea that you own a person, that they are property and are not allowed to love or to feel for anyone else. The control that is implied through monogamy. I know many couples who would rather keep quiet when they connect with another member of the opposite sex for fear that even thinking about intimacy with anyone else is unfaithfulness. It is the idea of going against basic human nature and fooling yourself that nobody else is attractive to you except your partner that gets my back up.
This feels different because I do not see us as only part of a couple. We often use the world soul-mate or soul-twin to describe the way that we feel but we do not feel this means we are 1 half or a whole and rather we are 2 separate whole beings who fit together seamlessly. We are free to communicate our attraction for anyone else. There are many people in this world who we will love and learn from and attraction is also a very chemical thing. Just because it happens does not mean I will act upon it and it’s not something I feel should be kept secret.
It so happens that we are exclusive because we have recognized that with the way we want our life’s to develop together it works better if it’s just us. I have learned through experience that the one downside to being polyamorous is that no matter how much love you have to give there is only so much time especially when a relationship is new it does take a lot of time to build a solid foundation. Being intimate and in love with more than one person is hugely rewarding however it is also exceptionally demanding. There is constant compromise because you are trying to meet 2, 3 or 4 people’s needs. It has taught me to be more tolerant, more thoughtful, and a better listener. I used to be hot headed, I am less so now because I have learned to deal with my feelings a lot better than I ever could in the past. All this development is making me understand myself and others better. I don’t imagine that anytime soon we will open things up. At the moment I don’t imagine it happening at all but I would never rule it out.
With this relationship a year in I can see that we want to head in the same direction. Although I have learned the art of compromise I seldom feel that we have to use it because it is not often that we want different things. That is not to say that there are not little things where we have to give and take but the bigger picture, the ideal image of where we would like our relationship and future to head is similar. I have had the privilege to have experienced several different kinds of relationships. What I have found is often my quirks go against what the other person wants or needs. I like to be at home, I am not really interested in being out and about several times a week. In the past I have had partners who where opposite to this. At the time this was a good thing, it meant that I challenged myself to be more extroverted, more social and meet new people. Now I am more settled and with a partner who enjoys being at home as much as I do. The years I spent pushing myself to go out mean that I don’t feel like I have missed out on something because I was to afraid to try and now I know that although I do have the confidence to interact with groups of people in social situations despite the fact it does not come naturally to me I am choosing to take a step back and allow myself time to enjoy and value the time at home. Having someone at home who isn’t feeling pressured or coursed into staying in when they would rather be out makes that time even more cherished.
With this relationship because of all the self exploration in the past I feel that I have been able to reach a new level. At the risk of sounding incredibly corny I have found what feels like a kind of perfect love, the type that’s too good to be true. It is nice to be so wrapped up in someone else, and to feel that they are equally as wrapped up in me. I am still very much in aw of it all and without a certain level of awareness around my own feelings I could easily to be overwhelmed with the intensity of it.
