For countless years I have frustrated myself around my lack of social skills. I have made the new years resolution “I will be more social” for years and never attained any momentous personal development in the area. It used to bother me. I am always left with an acute awareness that there is something I lack, some essential quality that would allow me to “fit in” some personality trait that I am obviously missing. I do not know what this quality is; only that I lack it.
Do not confuse this with shyness. I am not generally shy. I can at times be quiet but I can also be fairly extroverted. I can in the right mood talk and laugh with complete strangers. My problem is developing deeper levels of relationships in wider social structures. My difficulty is relating with groups of people long term. Every social group has its own structure where everyone has a place. I never feel that I truly have a place in any group which results in much paranoia. My paranoia is an irritation and yet I am aware that it is based somewhat in reality.
I have been searching for that thing that I lack as far back as primary school. A about a week ago I stopped searching completely freeing myself from the burden of trying to push myself into whatever social group I may be around at the time.
The worse time in my life socially was high-school. Those people who tell you that high-school is the best years of your life are lying. For me, and I am sure many others high school was dreadful. I did not fit in at all. Not with the geeks, the cool kids, the chavs, or even the other misfits. I was mostly totally alone. I could list hundreds of negative comments that where said to me over and over again. Slut, Whore, Raj, ugly, thick, stupid, too fat, too thin, breasts to small, to big, bitch, cow…Along with the verbal stuff I got my head smashed into a wall, kicked in the back, slapped across the face by a much older teenage boy, spat on, punched, and constantly being threatened with violence. All that was bad, but the thing that really pushed my confidence and self worth through the ground was the fact that the teachers just didn’t care. They honestly had no desire or motivation to help any of the children/teenagers in that school with bullying issues. A teacher stood and watched as my head was smashed against a wall and then several others joined in and started kicking me when I was on the floor. He looked me in the eye and he walked away. Then when I complained that nobody intervened he denied ever seeing the incident.
The deputy head told me that if only I conformed a little bit more. Went along with the crowd a bit more often then people would like me. I remember her saying “it’s just the way YOU are Julianne” I understand kids can be cruel but really there is no excuse at all for the adults to ignore that level of bullying.
5th and 6 year the physical attacks stopped. The outright verbal abuse also stopped but years of me being the social outcast meant that people just treated me like dirt or ignored me completely.
So perhaps the bullying at school has meant that I just didn’t develop the social skills that other people develop over there teenage years. Maybe those traits are ether present or not and my lack of them caused the problems at school. I will probably never know.
Since then I have always felt lonely and so always hoped that one day I might suddenly learn how to interact and be social and make people like me. The loneliness drove me to keep trying, again and again to fit in and everyone of those times I’ve failed.
Doing some research I found a list of 6 key social skills,
The main social skills are as follows:1) The ability to remain relaxed, or at a tolerable level of anxiety while in social situationsRegardless of how skillful you are in social situations, if you are too anxious, your brain is functioning in way unsuited to speaking and listening. In addition, if your body and face give the unconscious message that you are nervous, it will be more difficult to build rapport with others.
This is something I find impossible. With any new people, especially groups my anxiety levels are through the roof. I am usually good at hiding how terrified I am however my heart is usually pounding; I get a huge overwhelming urge to just run away. This happens until I really know a person and it can take me up to a year or longer to feel comfortable in someone’s company (depending on how often I am in there company) I have yet to ever feel comfortable in groups of more than 3.
2) Listening skills, including letting others know you are listening
When you had dinner with Gladstone, you were left feeling that he was the most charming person you had ever met. But after dinner with Disraeli, you felt that you were the wittiest, the most intelligent, and the most charming person.Dr Warren Bennis PhD, University of California
There is little more attractive and seductive than being truly listened to. Good listening skills include:
Making 'I'm listening' noises - 'Uh-huh', 'really?', 'oh yes?' etc.
Feeding back what you've heard - "So he went to the dentist? What happened?"
Referring back to others' comments later on - "You know how you were saying earlier…"
Physical stillness, eye contact and attentiveness while the other person is talking.
Listening skills I am usually good at because of my background in person centered therapy the problem is getting rid of the anxiety long enough to have a proper conversation.
3) Empathy with and interest in others' situationsA major part of social anxiety is self consciousness, which is greatly alleviated by focusing strongly on someone else. A fascination (even if forced at first) with another's conversation not only increases your comfort levels, it makes them feel interesting.
I don’t believe I have any problem with empathy. Other people’s feelings, life events, recent or past usually do interest me.
4) The ability to build rapport, whether natural or learnedRapport is a state of understanding or connection that occurs in a good social interaction. It says basically "I am like you, we understand each other". Rapport occurs on an unconscious level, and when it happens, the language, speech patterns, body movement and posture and other aspects of communication can synchronies down to incredibly fine levels.Rapport is an unconscious process, but it can be encouraged by conscious efforts.
Body posture 'mirroring', or movement 'matching'
Reflecting back language and speech, including rate, volume, tone, and words
Feeding back what you have heard, as in 2) above
I don’t believe any of this happens with me in a natural way. I am usually too anxious. I find it extremely difficult to connect at all with other people because the way they think and there reality’s can often seem worlds away from my own. There are a very few people that I have really connected too and they are the people who I have had lasting friendships with. In my entire life that is less than 6 people.
5) Knowing how, when and how much to talk about yourself - 'self disclosure'Talking about yourself too much and too early can be a major turn-off for the other party in conversation. Good initial small-talk is often characterised by discussion of subjects not personal to either party, or by an exchanging of personal views in a balanced way.However, as conversations and relationships progress, disclosing personal facts (small, non-emotional ones first!) leads to a feeling of getting to know each other
This again I have some serious problems. I am rubbish at small talk, it usually feels forced. I have been told frequently that I said something inappropriate or asked question that is by far too personal after the fact. The pressure not to say the wrong thing makes the anxiety grow and then talking at all becomes so stressful that I tend to want to withdraw completely.
6) Appropriate eye contactif you don't look at someone when you are talking or listening to them, they will get the idea that:
You are ignoring them
You are untrustworthy
You don't like the look of them (!)
This doesn't mean you have to stare at them. In fact, staring at someone while talking to them can give them the feeling you are angry with them. Keeping your eyes on them while you are listening, of course, is only polite.Of course these are not hard-and-fast rules, eye contact for instance, varies between cultures, but in general, practicing these will improve your social skills if you find social situations difficult.
Any eye contact usually increases the anxiety dramatically and so I often look elsewhere. If I am consciously trying to make eye contact I seem to freak the other person out. (Perhaps because it’s forced)
And so,
I am indeed a social retard.
However, I am no longer making the new years resolution to be more social. I am not lonely anymore. I have a few; very close relationships in my life that mean I don’t have that same longing to fit in to some group. It’s ok if people don’t like me because I don’t need them too. Very gradually I have felt myself accept when I am rejected by a group in an obvious or not so obvious way. Recently if I am in a situation where I am completely overwhelmed I have let myself go and sit alone for a while. I know the way I think things through for reasons I would rather not disclose on this blog, will always be different to most others and so there is always going to be a larger gap for me to cross before I can be accepted. I still hope in time it might improve but for now I am going to stop beating myself up for not being liked.
