The ideal of absolute trust
I hear it all over the place, my friends, my family, in the media, online and in various communities I’m involved with “if you don’t have trust then your relationship will fail!” Trust is the holy grail of all relationships.
However, what is trust? It seems to be this untouchable ideal that everyone not only aspires too but takes as necessity when conducting any close relationship. We want to be trusted, and we want to be around people who are trustworthy. It made me think, what it means to me. What am I really asking for and expecting in return? In fact is anyone really trustworthy?
I don’t believe in trust. That is not a popular outlook especially in the poly/non monogamous world. I hear from my peers that polyamory only works when you have trust and once trust is broken so is the relationship(s). I would like very much to be able to trust other people to live up to my expectations and do what I demand or wish but isn’t that opinion slightly narcissistic. It feels to me that giving out my expectations and then expecting people not to break them is like saying the world revolves around me and what I believe is more valuable. If everyone is doing this then it’s inevitable that somewhere down the line trust will be broken. Yet in the face of this ever longing for unadulterated integrity logic and experience dictate that in any long term relationship trust will be broken. It may be in a small insignificant way, or perhaps in a huge, heartbreaking, life altering way but trust at some point or other will be broken and the relationship tested.
I don’t trust anyone. No matter how much someone says the like, respect, even love me I do not take for granted that they will never hurt me. I know that I could never make the promise myself. No matter how much I love or care about them the chances are I will do something at some point that is hurtful to them. I might respect them as a person and I might even wish there happiness above my own but I am aware of my limits and I make oversights. In the past I have made choices that I later find out may not have been the best choice for myself or for my partners. I sometimes make decision on the spur of the moment and sometimes those decisions are based on my own wants and needs without enough consideration for others. It can be accidental, sometimes there isn’t enough time for me to consider every possibility, other times I may give in to jelousy, lust or any number of overwhelming emotions that can cloud my judgement. I want to be a good person I strive to do my best but I learn as I go the same as anybody else. The blunders I do make I try not to think about as mistakes because those are the things I learn the most from. It’s those “mistakes” that usually lead to a growth in my own personal development and the growth of my relationship(s).
Obviously everyone has deal breakers (things that they will not accept as part of any relationship). Violence and abuse for me would be a deal breaker. Finding out one of my partners likes to hurt animals or small children would be a deal breaker. There is also a line between understanding someone will make mistakes and letting someone be completely disrespectful. There are times when relationships come to a natural end but there are also times when this ideal of trust impedes people from learning and growing. Adultery is a good example of this. Many people have affairs its far more common than most people give credit and usually after the person is caught the generic advice is to end the relationship because “the trust has been broken” It is of course personal choice if one can forgive but I think people are far too quick to end relationships because a partner has strayed. An additional not so accepted attitude is that relationships can recover from infidelity and can even become stronger. Even when the party’s in that relationship decide they want to stay monogamous it is possible that once they learn what caused the breakdown of communication that led to the infidelity they can become a far stronger couple when things finally get resolved. It’s just not popular to admit you took a cheating spouse back and so those people who do forgive and forget do not often speak openly about the experience. It is understandable to have limits on what you will accept from a partner be that friend or lover but it is also constructive to ask ourselves if those margins are fair.
I let go of the idea of trust a long time ago. In my close relationships now I do not take anything for granted. I am very clear about what my limits are and try to make no promises in the heat of the moment that I know I will not be able to keep long term. I think often the idea of trust is used in a restrictive manner. It sets limits on what a person can and cannot do and it is often hard to change those limits without feeling guilty about breaking trust. So, even before an action is taken the word trust is pulled out the bag before any real communication can take place. Once the ideal of absolute trust is put to one-side and people start to concede that nobody is going to live up to there personal expectations it gives far more room for growth and understanding.
Trust is not one dimensional; it’s knotted with human emotion making it a very powerful concept. Letting go of this principle of unconditional trust has allowed me to go back over my long term relationship(s) with fresh eyes. It’s given me the fortune to let go of the guilt for hurting others and let go of the anger when I’ve been the one hurting. It has also reminded me why we stuck together in the first place. So often all the good times are overlooked because of one or two mistakes that have “broken trust”. Suddenly the relationship is about to fail because everyone believes that something significant has been lost. However because people aren’t perfect and will make mistakes anyway nothing really has been lost the broken trust is just a reminder that the relationship is something that needs nurture. It’s like a kick in the backside to remind us that we need to keep talking. In theory I agree trust is a lovely ideal in reality there is so much more to it and it’s worth letting go of that belief and striving for acceptance and understanding instead.
I may have decided to stop viewing trust as something everyone should take for granted and may have decided that I don’t feel the need to trust at all but what I gain in return is faith. Faith that my partners will try and do the best for me and faith that they will forgive me when I mess up in the same way that I strive to forgive them. It’s liberating to stop trying to make them into perfect people or lovers and instead love them for there flaws as well as there merits.
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
Friday, 26 March 2010
Unrequited love
An observation on unrequited love
“Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as; "not reciprocated or returned in kind."
I am no saint. I do not deny that I appreciate a bit of male attention. It’s nice to feel wanted. It’s natural to desire being attractive to the opposite sex (or even the same sex) depending on preference. It’s flattering and an ego boost to find out someone is romantically interested particularly if the feeling is mutual, but…
What happens when it’s not mutual? What if the person that you find falling in love with you is not someone you love back? Perhaps it’s a friend or acquaintance but not a potential lover? It may be someone you do have feelings for but for one reason or another you know that you are very unlikely to ever be able to respond. The boost to the ego is still gratifying and it’s tempting to keep that person around as you’re very own personal confidence enhancer. They can become a bit like a drug. You don’t want them but you can’t let them go and you don’t want anyone else to have them ether. So, you keep then hanging on for as long as possible feeling secretly guilty about your own lack of interest or ability to respond but making excuses why your behavior is acceptable.
This can happen in any set up (a man can do this to a woman as much as a woman can do this to a man). From my personal perspective I have seen the woman using this more often than the men and so I will use that as my example but that does not mean that I am unaware that it can work the other way around.
I have seen a couple of friends go through this recently and it got me thinking. At first I was instantly judgmental about any woman who is using someone’s feelings to stroke her self-esteem but then I decided to think deeper and try to understand. I also wanted to evaluate what I do in these situations and by doing that I realised that there have been times when I was tempted to keep an admirer hanging on for the sake of my ego. I remember being told by someone that I had never considered romantically that he loved me. He was a very sweet and lovely man but I knew that I would never look at him in the same way he was looking at me. I saw him as a friend and nothing more. That did not stop me feeling thrilled that he was looking and part of me was secretly very happy that someone wanted me. I had to admit there was at first the temptation to not be 100 percent clear with him that I did not want more. This was not a conscious thing it was only in hindsight that I can see the situation more clearly.
There was a temptation to give him some hope so that he wouldn’t give up and at first that’s exactly what I did. It was not conscious because consciously I believed that I was being very clear about the fact I did not feel the same. Verbally I told him in a sensitive yet clear way that the feelings where not mutual. He gracefully accepted my words and we carried on with our “friendship”. However the other cues I was giving him where confusing. For example, my body language around him was ambiguous. I was a little more open to touch than I should have been. There was some innocent flirting, nothing major and nothing so obvious that he could later turn around and accuse me of leading him on but just enough that he kept hanging around hoping.
This only went on for a few weeks before I was able to be self aware enough to know what I was doing and realise that it was hurtful to him in the long run. It was cruel and I decided to take a major step back. That was easier said than done because as soon as I tried to take that step back it became painfully obvious to me just how much I was playing along with him. The part of me that was seeking approval and love was also reluctant to let him go and that made it easy to justify certain behavior. I made tons of excuses such as it was just friendship, I was just being playful, I was letting him down gently but the bottom line was as soon as I realised that his feelings where more than my own the rules changed and it was MY responsibility to respond to him in a way that made MY feelings clear. My job to make sure he didn’t hang on hoping and my job to take care of our friendship. He had been brave enough to open up and tell me he wanted more I needed to have enough respect to let him know that was not what I wanted and that meant not just verbally telling him but really telling him. It meant a change in the friendship for a significant amount of time, maybe indefinitely. It was strange at first but ultimately if I had any kind of regard for him as a person I would take that step back and allow him to move on.
The sad fact is that people who are selfish are rarely consciously aware of it. Usually they are not bad people. When we crave something as primal as wanting to be wanted and loved it’s not entering our everyday thinking. The urge is in us all deep down and most of us do have insecurity. It’s easy to allow that to drive us to extremes. I can’t sit and judge what these girls do because I am now aware that I could easily do the same myself. My perspective has only changed because I have sat on the other side of the fence with a close male friend. Seeing him broken hearted and crying because some girl is messing with his head has made me acutely aware off my own thoughts and actions.
The point is she is not even purposefully messing she is merely unaware of herself enough to know what she is doing. There will always be the part of her brain that craves his attention and love justifying her own actions and until someone is able to pierce that layer to get underneath there isn’t going to be a sudden awareness and sadly he as long as this continues he will have some hope that there is a chance for his feelings to be recuperated. I think what is worse than unrequited love is love that is ambiguous. When you are just not certain, not 100 percent sure that there is no chance because at least with the knowledge that there is no chance at all no matter how hurtful it is human instinct to try and move on but with hope and a few misleading signals this game can go on indefinably.
“Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as; "not reciprocated or returned in kind."
I am no saint. I do not deny that I appreciate a bit of male attention. It’s nice to feel wanted. It’s natural to desire being attractive to the opposite sex (or even the same sex) depending on preference. It’s flattering and an ego boost to find out someone is romantically interested particularly if the feeling is mutual, but…
What happens when it’s not mutual? What if the person that you find falling in love with you is not someone you love back? Perhaps it’s a friend or acquaintance but not a potential lover? It may be someone you do have feelings for but for one reason or another you know that you are very unlikely to ever be able to respond. The boost to the ego is still gratifying and it’s tempting to keep that person around as you’re very own personal confidence enhancer. They can become a bit like a drug. You don’t want them but you can’t let them go and you don’t want anyone else to have them ether. So, you keep then hanging on for as long as possible feeling secretly guilty about your own lack of interest or ability to respond but making excuses why your behavior is acceptable.
This can happen in any set up (a man can do this to a woman as much as a woman can do this to a man). From my personal perspective I have seen the woman using this more often than the men and so I will use that as my example but that does not mean that I am unaware that it can work the other way around.
I have seen a couple of friends go through this recently and it got me thinking. At first I was instantly judgmental about any woman who is using someone’s feelings to stroke her self-esteem but then I decided to think deeper and try to understand. I also wanted to evaluate what I do in these situations and by doing that I realised that there have been times when I was tempted to keep an admirer hanging on for the sake of my ego. I remember being told by someone that I had never considered romantically that he loved me. He was a very sweet and lovely man but I knew that I would never look at him in the same way he was looking at me. I saw him as a friend and nothing more. That did not stop me feeling thrilled that he was looking and part of me was secretly very happy that someone wanted me. I had to admit there was at first the temptation to not be 100 percent clear with him that I did not want more. This was not a conscious thing it was only in hindsight that I can see the situation more clearly.
There was a temptation to give him some hope so that he wouldn’t give up and at first that’s exactly what I did. It was not conscious because consciously I believed that I was being very clear about the fact I did not feel the same. Verbally I told him in a sensitive yet clear way that the feelings where not mutual. He gracefully accepted my words and we carried on with our “friendship”. However the other cues I was giving him where confusing. For example, my body language around him was ambiguous. I was a little more open to touch than I should have been. There was some innocent flirting, nothing major and nothing so obvious that he could later turn around and accuse me of leading him on but just enough that he kept hanging around hoping.
This only went on for a few weeks before I was able to be self aware enough to know what I was doing and realise that it was hurtful to him in the long run. It was cruel and I decided to take a major step back. That was easier said than done because as soon as I tried to take that step back it became painfully obvious to me just how much I was playing along with him. The part of me that was seeking approval and love was also reluctant to let him go and that made it easy to justify certain behavior. I made tons of excuses such as it was just friendship, I was just being playful, I was letting him down gently but the bottom line was as soon as I realised that his feelings where more than my own the rules changed and it was MY responsibility to respond to him in a way that made MY feelings clear. My job to make sure he didn’t hang on hoping and my job to take care of our friendship. He had been brave enough to open up and tell me he wanted more I needed to have enough respect to let him know that was not what I wanted and that meant not just verbally telling him but really telling him. It meant a change in the friendship for a significant amount of time, maybe indefinitely. It was strange at first but ultimately if I had any kind of regard for him as a person I would take that step back and allow him to move on.
The sad fact is that people who are selfish are rarely consciously aware of it. Usually they are not bad people. When we crave something as primal as wanting to be wanted and loved it’s not entering our everyday thinking. The urge is in us all deep down and most of us do have insecurity. It’s easy to allow that to drive us to extremes. I can’t sit and judge what these girls do because I am now aware that I could easily do the same myself. My perspective has only changed because I have sat on the other side of the fence with a close male friend. Seeing him broken hearted and crying because some girl is messing with his head has made me acutely aware off my own thoughts and actions.
The point is she is not even purposefully messing she is merely unaware of herself enough to know what she is doing. There will always be the part of her brain that craves his attention and love justifying her own actions and until someone is able to pierce that layer to get underneath there isn’t going to be a sudden awareness and sadly he as long as this continues he will have some hope that there is a chance for his feelings to be recuperated. I think what is worse than unrequited love is love that is ambiguous. When you are just not certain, not 100 percent sure that there is no chance because at least with the knowledge that there is no chance at all no matter how hurtful it is human instinct to try and move on but with hope and a few misleading signals this game can go on indefinably.
Jools
Friday, 19 March 2010
Popular Romance
I have been pondering over this subject for a while. Mostly how romance and romantic relationships are portrayed to us in different ways. How we think romance ought to be, what we are brought up to believe and what we see everywhere around us and more importantly what is it actually a healthy?
Think about the classic romantic comedy; take for example most movies with say Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts. They tend too depict romance in this typical fairytale, happily ever after kind of way, which if taken in the right context (as a piece of fiction that does not go deep enough to convey REAL relationships) is perfectly fine.
As bubble gum for the mind is perfectly ok but the trouble is people view these films and fairytales as the ideal way to conduct a relationship. Leading both men and woman to believe several things;
That once you find the one you don’t need to communicate because they will eventually just know exactly what you want, what’s bothering you and will telepathically know exactly what to do to fix it.
That you don’t even need to tell them how you feel in the first place because they will work it out without any clues.
That your partner will never make any mistakes that leave you hurt because in the romantic comedy world they should be perfect.
That is a charming romantic notion, how wonderful life would be if that where truly the case. In truth all relationships need work and communication. In real life people can and frequently do make mistakes. I understand the importance of trust but I also understand that if I am going to be with someone long term they will do something eventually to break it. It may be something I consider minor or it may be something heartbreaking and huge but the point is they will eventually make a mistake and I will have to decide if it’s something I can live with or not.
For me there are a few deal breakers but in general terms rather than just jump off at the first bump in the road I make a willful decision too work together, learn from past mistakes and accept that nobody is perfect. It’s served me and my partner(s) well. We are still together and more importantly we are still madly in love and consistent in communicating with each other.
IF the couples in these romantic films communicated then the film would be no more than ten minuets long. These movies are set to a formula to make money not to convey real life and real relationships and yet I know so many people who are still searching for that formula in real life. They are forever groping around in the dark jumping from one partner to another in the hope that eventually they will find that perfect one. What happens is as soon as they get past the luminance and the first rush of love settles down (when the real work begins) they suddenly see that they will have to put actual time and effort into keeping things healthy and they immediately assume that there is something wrong with that partner because if he/she was the one they wouldn’t need to communicate at all. I’ve heard the line “He should just know” or “if he was the one I wouldn’t have to ask him to give me…”
Another common myth brought about by society’s popular belief and highlighted in the movie world is the notion that love is easy to find and keep. That you will meet someone and instinctively know that they are the one and you will live happily ever after… Thinking about love this way influences people to act on impulse, to marry too young, and make poor choices. It is rare that romantic love is talked about in a more realistic way. That 2 people meet and then spend years having ups and downs but still nourishing, communicating and working together to make a healthy relationship. Perhaps they may not be the type of couple to have grand romantic gestures. Perhaps they don’t go down the traditional route and get married or maybe there relationship is somewhat alternative but there is still a very good chance they will outlast most other romantic relationships because no matter what the key really is making a conscious effort to connect and communicate habitually.
I remember the first time I fell in love at the age of 17. It seemed like everyone was against us. We where told repeatedly that it could not last because we where too young, too immature, too silly to be really be in love. I can understand where that advice came from but better advice would be to discuss how making a relationship work is hard work and perhaps some hints on how to build a strong relationship. Rather than just tell us its doomed from the start why not explain what makes them believe this. They are obviously assuming we are too young to be grown up enough to talk things through and put in the time and effort to keep things healthy but nobody was willing to tell us why and when we asked the only reason we got was that we where too young. I often found it amusing that the adults around me giving me this advice seemed to have no luck at all in there own romantic life. That first romance may not have lasted but it was intense and by chance we really did manage some good communication. It has continued to influence how my future relationships have worked.
I do not view this as a failed relationship. I find the idea that any relationship being a failure very difficult to comprehend. It is yet another notion that seems so popular. If the relationship doesn’t last forever then it failed.
So… a couple who have stayed together for 40 years and been unhappy for 30 but have trudged on making each other miserable and holding each other back are a success and a couple who had a happy ten years growing and learning together but start to have problems and decide before they hate each other that they had moved on from a romantic love have failed. (I know which couple I would rather have been a part off)
It is very clear that even those relationships that are short term or not forever and those that have changed from romantic to friendship or even completely ended are still important parts of my life. I cannot view them as failed. Even if I decide with a partner that the relationship is better taking a different form that romantic I am usually always open to the relationship continuing in another form (usually friendship) and I am self aware enough to understand that no matter how long a time that we where involved romantically that relationship and that person has brought something extra into my life and will influence my future.
Frequently people sneer at my romantic set up. It does not fit with the ideal view of how relationships ought to work. I am rebuffing the idea of finding the one and I am rejecting the common ideal of monogamy for life. I have been insulted many times by people telling me I cannot love ether of my partners because of the others existence and that somehow polyamory makes my relationships worth less than others because it doesn’t fit with what is supposed to happen.
What is not common knowledge is that I do believe in “the one” I do believe that fate will bring certain people into my life for a reason and that there are true loves out there for me that I am meant to find. I can be a very romantic person even if I reject the typical norms. I just do not believe there is only one person who is right for me or who is meant to be a part of my heart. I am open to following my heart and my gut and seeing where that takes me. So far that has taken me to finding 2 amazing long term partners and 1 friend and lover who has opened my eyes to a different kind of relationship. No romantic comedy, fairytale or story compares to what I have right now I couldn’t wish for anything more. Like most girls I can happily sit in front of a chick flick with a box of tissues but at the end of the day I can honestly say that it pales when compared to what I have in real life. Rather than fit my life into someone else’s fairytale I decided to create my own.
Jools
Think about the classic romantic comedy; take for example most movies with say Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts. They tend too depict romance in this typical fairytale, happily ever after kind of way, which if taken in the right context (as a piece of fiction that does not go deep enough to convey REAL relationships) is perfectly fine.
As bubble gum for the mind is perfectly ok but the trouble is people view these films and fairytales as the ideal way to conduct a relationship. Leading both men and woman to believe several things;
That once you find the one you don’t need to communicate because they will eventually just know exactly what you want, what’s bothering you and will telepathically know exactly what to do to fix it.
That you don’t even need to tell them how you feel in the first place because they will work it out without any clues.
That your partner will never make any mistakes that leave you hurt because in the romantic comedy world they should be perfect.
That is a charming romantic notion, how wonderful life would be if that where truly the case. In truth all relationships need work and communication. In real life people can and frequently do make mistakes. I understand the importance of trust but I also understand that if I am going to be with someone long term they will do something eventually to break it. It may be something I consider minor or it may be something heartbreaking and huge but the point is they will eventually make a mistake and I will have to decide if it’s something I can live with or not.
For me there are a few deal breakers but in general terms rather than just jump off at the first bump in the road I make a willful decision too work together, learn from past mistakes and accept that nobody is perfect. It’s served me and my partner(s) well. We are still together and more importantly we are still madly in love and consistent in communicating with each other.
IF the couples in these romantic films communicated then the film would be no more than ten minuets long. These movies are set to a formula to make money not to convey real life and real relationships and yet I know so many people who are still searching for that formula in real life. They are forever groping around in the dark jumping from one partner to another in the hope that eventually they will find that perfect one. What happens is as soon as they get past the luminance and the first rush of love settles down (when the real work begins) they suddenly see that they will have to put actual time and effort into keeping things healthy and they immediately assume that there is something wrong with that partner because if he/she was the one they wouldn’t need to communicate at all. I’ve heard the line “He should just know” or “if he was the one I wouldn’t have to ask him to give me…”
Another common myth brought about by society’s popular belief and highlighted in the movie world is the notion that love is easy to find and keep. That you will meet someone and instinctively know that they are the one and you will live happily ever after… Thinking about love this way influences people to act on impulse, to marry too young, and make poor choices. It is rare that romantic love is talked about in a more realistic way. That 2 people meet and then spend years having ups and downs but still nourishing, communicating and working together to make a healthy relationship. Perhaps they may not be the type of couple to have grand romantic gestures. Perhaps they don’t go down the traditional route and get married or maybe there relationship is somewhat alternative but there is still a very good chance they will outlast most other romantic relationships because no matter what the key really is making a conscious effort to connect and communicate habitually.
I remember the first time I fell in love at the age of 17. It seemed like everyone was against us. We where told repeatedly that it could not last because we where too young, too immature, too silly to be really be in love. I can understand where that advice came from but better advice would be to discuss how making a relationship work is hard work and perhaps some hints on how to build a strong relationship. Rather than just tell us its doomed from the start why not explain what makes them believe this. They are obviously assuming we are too young to be grown up enough to talk things through and put in the time and effort to keep things healthy but nobody was willing to tell us why and when we asked the only reason we got was that we where too young. I often found it amusing that the adults around me giving me this advice seemed to have no luck at all in there own romantic life. That first romance may not have lasted but it was intense and by chance we really did manage some good communication. It has continued to influence how my future relationships have worked.
I do not view this as a failed relationship. I find the idea that any relationship being a failure very difficult to comprehend. It is yet another notion that seems so popular. If the relationship doesn’t last forever then it failed.
So… a couple who have stayed together for 40 years and been unhappy for 30 but have trudged on making each other miserable and holding each other back are a success and a couple who had a happy ten years growing and learning together but start to have problems and decide before they hate each other that they had moved on from a romantic love have failed. (I know which couple I would rather have been a part off)
It is very clear that even those relationships that are short term or not forever and those that have changed from romantic to friendship or even completely ended are still important parts of my life. I cannot view them as failed. Even if I decide with a partner that the relationship is better taking a different form that romantic I am usually always open to the relationship continuing in another form (usually friendship) and I am self aware enough to understand that no matter how long a time that we where involved romantically that relationship and that person has brought something extra into my life and will influence my future.
Frequently people sneer at my romantic set up. It does not fit with the ideal view of how relationships ought to work. I am rebuffing the idea of finding the one and I am rejecting the common ideal of monogamy for life. I have been insulted many times by people telling me I cannot love ether of my partners because of the others existence and that somehow polyamory makes my relationships worth less than others because it doesn’t fit with what is supposed to happen.
What is not common knowledge is that I do believe in “the one” I do believe that fate will bring certain people into my life for a reason and that there are true loves out there for me that I am meant to find. I can be a very romantic person even if I reject the typical norms. I just do not believe there is only one person who is right for me or who is meant to be a part of my heart. I am open to following my heart and my gut and seeing where that takes me. So far that has taken me to finding 2 amazing long term partners and 1 friend and lover who has opened my eyes to a different kind of relationship. No romantic comedy, fairytale or story compares to what I have right now I couldn’t wish for anything more. Like most girls I can happily sit in front of a chick flick with a box of tissues but at the end of the day I can honestly say that it pales when compared to what I have in real life. Rather than fit my life into someone else’s fairytale I decided to create my own.
Jools
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