Reflection from yesterday

So to say yesterday was a bit of a nightmare would be an understatement. Along with receiving some personal bad news when I was at work, there was also the drama of my last blog post. I anticipated that some people may have been upset but I didn’t expect to be threatened and have a shit load of aggressive emails and comments. I spent a long time last night talking things over with Rick who has been extremely compassionate and sort of propping me up in regards to my current state of mind.

I didn’t write my last blog lightly, it wasn’t something done on the spur of the moment and in a fit of rage. This kicked off months ago and I explored other options of making myself heard first. I was speaking to Rick about it for the best part of a couple of months. I did come to the conclusion that the information within the appeal should be shared, not only does it stress the necessity to make the change of attitude about the drinking of alcohol apparent, but there are many other complications that have been highlighted about the disciplinary procedures in general. The officer’s change over time, people take on new jobs and responsibilities within the society and I believed that the more people informed about this, the more likelihood that they might re-examine things if they ever take on these positions in future. Yes it was going to cause a bit of drama, I don’t feel it needed to cause as much drama as it did however at the end of the day I felt something had happened that was very wrong. Not only did I feel it was wrong, I felt it was something that in the future could easily happen again if the right measures where not in place. If something bad can be prevented then I strongly believe that all steps should be taken to prevent it.

I have ended up feeling like I should be wearing a gag, there seems to be this atmosphere of not confronting or disagreeing because it could cause the “volunteers” stress. I now fully understand that people wanted to keep this under-wrap.

The result of yesterday was a decision made by Rick that he did not wish to be a part of the society anymore. Not because he opposed the reprimand given but for many other reasons. This is exceptionally sad and part of me feels like I have taken away something he enjoys. He assures me that is not how he feels and that he is making this choice for himself for his own reasons, yesterday was just the last straw. It is still very sad that someone who has played for 11 years has left because of all this. I have also been informed by a couple of people that it is apparently against the rules to say anything negative about the society as it could cause the society disrepute. This is interesting if it is true.

When I first opened some of the emails and threads on buzz I was both upset and angry. However on reflection I cannot feel any strong dislike or anger towards those people who took it upon themselves to be passive aggressive or out right threatening. They believe that there society and friends have been criticized and have taken it from this negative perspective. That’s ok, I wish them no ill will and I hope that what happened to Rick is never repeated again.

I didn’t sleep last night, despite the pills that usually knock me for 6. I can feel my state of mind waning because of this and other things and I am trying very hard to not let this knock me down. I’ve felt anxious and upset over this for a few months now and I do admit that I was somewhat fanatical with trying to make it right. I find it difficult to let go when I feel that something is unjust. Because I know that Rick was not the only person who had this problem made it even more pressing in my head. Not sleeping did give me the opportunity to meditate quietly in bed beside Rick and evaluate my actions. In retrospect I cannot see what else I could have done other than let this go. If I see something is really wrong and I turn my back because it might make me unpopular if I speak up then I don’t feel like that makes me a person with values. I know that my intention was not motivated by malice. I know that my intention was not to make people unhappy or get revenge. I tried my best to write the appeal in a way that was clear it was the system in place I was challenging and not an assault on the people in power. I am guessing this handbook and procedure was wrote a long time ago and so there is a very good chance that different people have had the positions over time.

From the feedback I have received I now know that this was somewhat a waste of time but I also know I tried and did everything I could. I didn’t just ignore the situation because it was the easiest thing to do. People are now well aware that the lax attitude about bringing your own food and drink to events has changed and will result in very negative consequences. This is even if the venue have personally told you that it’s ok. Now I am certain that people will not make this mistake again and hopefully have saved someone a lot of trouble. Maybe in time when people have calmed down and no longer see my words as an act of sheer bitchyness they might have a re-think about there disciplinary procedures. Who knows?

Along with Rick I know longer feel I could come back to IOD. I’m sad about that because I did enjoy some of the games and there are a lot of nice people in the society, yes even those that had a go at me via email and buzz are nice people deep down. One person who made a very passive aggressive comment in his own buzz was someone I liked as an ST and role-player and although it’s disappointing to see such a comment it doesn’t mean my regard for him or anyone else as a person has changed. No matter what the circumstance deep down everyone has the potential to be nice as much as mean and anger and frustration can make people react in ways that are not very pleasant.

We are still providing accommodation for people who are visiting Edinburgh for the game even though we will not attend the event ourselves and I hope it goes well and is enjoyable for everyone.

I really did try my best to do everything in a way that was not nasty or personal, but I hold my hands up and admit that there where times that I reacted because I was angry and frustrated and therefore I am sure I am guilty of some comments/posts that where a little passive aggressive. I have also tried my best to fit in and make friends in IOD and even though that’s been difficult there are some people who I feel I managed to talk to easily both IC and OC.