Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha I acknowledge that I often have a short temper, notably at certain times of the month. Unfortunately my PMS tends to last 9 maybe 10 days and thus I really have to learn to handle my anger/moods in a more positive way. I have started to be mindful of my anger, not so I can suppress it because I don’t consider that wise, but because I want to learn what drives it. I want to turn that energy into something less harmful.
When I first started meditating and learning about Buddhism I had the understanding that anger was wrong. It was something to conquer. It did not occur to me that it was something organic, something natural that is intrinsic to our human nature. It was a flaw to be repressed and denied. I have since done more reading and thinking and I have come to the realization that anger is an inherent part of being a person, and so repressing it is not only impossible but also unwise. It is however possible to transform it.
I now appreciate that my anger is my issue. Whatever caused the anger is secondary and separate from the feelings that dwell within me. Any external event does not have to cause me to feel angry, and it is my perceptions and delusions that are causing the feelings of anger. Of course I do not deny that there is much injustice and negativity in the world, but I am learning that all things can be dealt with more gainfully when I am not reacting in anger.
I think one of the reasons people struggle letting go of anger is because they feel that letting go will make them weak. This belief can be on a conscious or un-conscious level. There is an assumption that showing kindness and forgiveness instead of anger when someone has wronged us shows weakness. When someone does or says something that is wounding to us we suffer, in turn we will say or do something back to cause the other person to suffer with the misguided idea that causing the other person to suffer too will reduce our own suffering. “I want to make you suffer because I suffer” In reality what happens is the other person then does something back to us and things spiral far and beyond the initial conflict. Pride stands in the way of forgiveness and compassion and destroys relationships. It is astonishing what people will sacrifice for the sake of there pride. I am guilty of this, many times in the past I have thought long and hard about how I might get revenge on the people that have hurt me. At times I have caused others suffering because of this and I got some temporary relief from my own feelings of anger and suffering. In the long run though such action did not do me any good, it either caused the person I was responding to; to react with even worse intention or it made me do things that I am now ashamed off. Even when I only fantasized about the ways in which I could cause suffering to that person the intentions made my mind un-peaceful and did nothing to help resolve the conflicts both externally with the person and internally within myself. If you are Buddhist then you will also be aware that such intention will create the seeds of negative Karma. Intent can cause Karma even when no action is taken.
Despite the fact that I do not wish to react to anger with negative intent and actions, this does not mean that I deny that I am angry. When a person wrongs me or someone I care about of course I feel angry, disillusioned and frustrated. What I realise is that reacting in that moment of frustration does not help me solve the problem and so I am practicing using breathing techniques and mindfulness to create a different energy within my mind so that when I do attempt to resolve the external problem or conflict I am not simply reacting out of spite. I am taking care of my anger, acknowledging it and then taking the time I need to build up compassion and understanding for the person(s) who have hurt me in the first place. Generally it is clear after some contemplation that the intent of the other person was not to cause me grief. Unless they are reacting because they believe I have made them suffer in which case they are trapped in the same cycle of causing suffering to relieve there own suffering and since this is a cycle I myself have been trapped in many times, it becomes easier to understand there point of view. Mostly in the past when I have felt unhappy by another persons actions or words I have been so overwhelmed by my bad feelings that I have never stopped to consider that the other person might suffer also. I believe I am the only one suffering and I want to right this injustice.This stems from my own self grasping ignorance. That I am one self, separate from everyone else. When I contemplate long enough to grasp the reality that all beings are interrelated, then my distress is no longer the most important thing. It becomes obvious that the other person suffers deeply. No matter how bad there actions may seem to me at the time, they do suffer. Many people have not been given the tools in there upbringing to allow them to live peacefully in the world, and many people are lacking any profound understanding or motivation. They are trapped in repeating cycles of pain and discontent and so it becomes difficult for me to feel angry at those people who are acting in a destructive ways. After spending time being mindful and contemplating the circumstances that those people may be experiencing it becomes easy for me to change the energy of my anger into compassion. I did not deny my anger at any point in this process and it was only by accepting and taking care of my anger that I am able to bring about a change in my perception.
This isn’t an easy thing to do, I still struggle at times. There are many situations in my life that make me angry or frustrated. To use one example I am in a living arrangement with Rick (my current partner) and Chris (my ex partner). This is not an easy living arrangement because no matter what the reasons for myself and Chris ending our romantic involvement, and no matter how positive that ending was, there are still external events and problems that led to that decision being made. Living together means that those problems continue to play a part in our life’s to some degree. Often after a break-up even when the couple still want to remain friends they will give each other some distance. Chris and I have not been able to do this because for financial reasons living together is the best and only sensible option. Recently I have had a few people inform me that Chris had vented about our break-up and new situation to others. It is tempting to retaliate by also venting to friends and family. (at times with very close family I have) However I realise that this would not do myself, Chris or anybody I vent to any good. I was at first disappointed and angry that Chris had spoke ill of me to others, but I see that this situation is not easy for him either. I take responsibility for the part I played in the ending of our romantic relationship. I can see there are things that I have done that contributed to the breakdown in communication, and even though it would be easy for me to only focus on the things that Chris has done that have hurt me it would not be a true picture of the situation.
The truth is there are 2 sides to every story. Both of us have been hurt by the other over the past 6 years, and both of us have also experienced good and bad together. My venting about the bad times will not lessen any of those negative experiences. I do not believe that venting is constructive to resolving conflict. In the past some therapists have recommended venting and expressing anger to get it out of our system. However my experience of venting in this way has led me to believe that venting is a way of rehearsing the anger. It might help in the short term but does nothing to help me generate a more peaceful mind in the long term. So if I go to friends and tell them all the things that Chris has done to hurt me, then I will be channeling all my energy on the negative feelings and not seeing the complete picture. Then when I am next at home with Chris I am even more likely to respond to him in a nasty and harmful way. If I do vent to people about Chris, then there is a good chance that those people will inform Chris and he will be further hurt by my words and in turn he will also speak ill of me. In the long run that does not do either of us any good.
We came to a joint decision to end our romantic relationship because we did not share an outlook on life, have the same goals or ideas about what kind of relationship we could enjoy or share much of the same interests and values. The difference became so vast that we where starting to argue more than we enjoyed spending time with each other. That does not mean that I cannot value him as a person because I can. He is not a bad person just not the right person to be my partner and likewise I am not the right person to be his partner.
There is much that Chris does that provokes an angry reaction within me, but my internal reaction to him is my problem, not his. When I think on a deeper level about him I can clearly see that he is not happy, he suffers a lot and is trapped in a cycle of depression and de-motivation. I think this lack of purpose has caused him to miss out on a great deal of opportunities. His mood and conduct because of this often frustrates and upsets me, but when I look at my conditions I see that I can go away meditate and calm my mind until I create a more peaceful, constructive energy. Chris does not yet have the skills to do this and I believe he is genuinely depressed. When I look at how unhappy he is then it becomes difficult for me to feel anymore irritation about things such as money, housework or what he may say to others about me. I am sure over the time that we will continue to live together there will be more challenges to come. I am not at a point where I am convinced that I will discover my anger in time to contemplate and turn it into compassion (before I snap at someone). I am still breaking the habit of responding to stress with some form of verbal vent of aggression, but I am trying and the more I read and meditate the stronger I become and the easier it is to take care of my anger before I cause myself or others any damage.
The very least I can do is to learn to recognize my anger before it overcomes me.
“Once we recognize our anger, we embrace it with a lot of awareness, a lot of tenderness. Practitioners of meditation do not discriminate against or reject their internal formations” - Thich Nhat Hanh.
The more I practice this for myself, the more I see just how much harm unrestrained anger can do to people and relationships. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is angry to some degree. I see relationships completely destroyed to the point that people believe that they are unsalvageable because of misguided anger. When I look at 2 people who are at war with each other usually I can see very clearly both sides of the story. That neither party has deliberately tried to hurt the other and the entire problem has been a breakdown in communication and misunderstanding. To use my family as an example there are many members of my family who are no longer on friendly terms, and because I speak to mostly all of them I can see that none of them have wanted or desired this divide. The real cause of this is simply a lack of communication and compassion. Everyone has suffered to some degree, but every person concerned believes they have suffered more or that they are the only ones who suffer. In reaction to there perceived suffering they have dealt with this by more harmful words or actions and in return the other person has put up more barriers and the entire conflict escalates far and beyond the initial problem. I would put money on the fact that nobody actually knows what started this in the first place.
Nobody wants to say sorry or show compassion because nobody believes they have been in the wrong. Pride gets in the way and people don’t want to show weakness by being compassionate or the one to take those first steps to resolve the conflicts. The result of this mindset is extremely sad because it could lead to the rest of there lives being led with this bad feeling towards each other remaining. Perhaps they might never talk again all because nobody wanted to be the first one to pick up the phone or write a letter. The truth is it doesn’t matter who is in the wrong. People are wrong all the time and never know it because in there perception they are right. One thing that really stood out when reading Thich Nhat Hahn’s book on anger was this particular paragraph,
“You have to start negotiating a strategy. No matter how much the other person can do you have to do all that you are capable of doing yourself. You must give one hundred percent of yourself. Whatever you can do for yourself you do for him or her. Don’t wait. Don’t put forth conditions saying, if you don’t make the effort to reconcile then I won’t either. This will not work. Peace, Reconciliation and happiness begin with you”
I am 26 years old, my life experience is somewhat limited but what I do believe is that sometimes it really is necessary to let go of any conception of who is right and who is wrong, and just understand that everyone has a different perception. Whatever started the conflict, whoever harmed who first, it doesn’t matter. There is rarely any situation where one person is completely innocent and one person is completely in the wrong and so no matter how much the other person has made you suffer there is a very reasonable chance that you have also made them suffer. If you look deep in your heart and feel certain that you have done that person no wrong then really contemplating about what may have caused the other person to act in the way they have can often give enough insight to turn anger into sympathy and that is a start. The alternative is to allow the divide to carry on for a long time, perhaps never being on friendly terms again for the remainder of this life. I believe that is seldom the correct course of action especially when the people involved are family, because they are an extension of our-self often the people we have had the most life experiences with. It amazes me how many times I have heard the phrase, of course I love them, of course I miss them but… (Add condition for reconciliation here)
At the end of the day I cannot force people to see my insight. I cannot give them my desire to nourish a relationship for the better. I can only hope that at least one person comes to the realization themselves and begins the journey of trying to make peace. Trying without conditions, trying without limits, trying even when the person we are trying to reconcile with does not have the same insight. What the feuds of people all around me have taught me is what I do not want in my life. I do not want to get stuck in this kind of spiraling situation that seems to only cause heartache, and I do not want to take sides in such a conflict. Several times now in my own relationships I have pushed pride and conditions to one side and simply freed myself to accept the other person. Even when there point of view is very different from my own that is ok I will keep trying. I can say sorry honestly even when I have initially believed that I have done no wrong because regardless of the conditions leading up to the breakdown I am genuinely sorry that it had to happen at all.
In a sense I am extremely lucky to have had such favorable conditions in my present life that have given me the opportunity to learn meditation and practice Dharma. My karma has been good enough to make it possible for me to experience this kind of learning. Not everyone has had this opportunity and so when resolving conflicts with people who are not on the same path as I am it becomes my responsibility to take the lead and to do the most work. From a Buddhist perspective my doing such will result in positive Karma. From the perspective of the other person hopefully it will help to break a cycle of unhappiness and frustration. I am thankful that there is not one person who has done me wrong in this life that I continue to feel anger towards long term. That is an extremely precious gift that completely frees my mind from a great deal of pain
anger is just another emotion to be masterd however like the emotion of love it is a primal emotian ingraned within us all this makes it so much the more potent and powerfull.
ReplyDeleteventing anger isnt also neceseraly bad what can be bad is the way you vent it. sure shouting at someone isnt a great way to go about things but its one of the better ways to vent it.
i dunno hat im trying to say here i guess that anger is primal will always exist and can be usefull as well as detramental depending on how you use it or vent it. bottling t up will ultimately lead to a self destructive person and perhaps even that person destroyin other peoples lives.
I agree that repressing it is a bad idea, i think most people are taught to repress it from a young age and that is often why people are passive aggresive, because they know they are not meant to feel angry, but they do.
ReplyDeleteI think what the book taught, and what Buddhism teaches is the fact that you have to take care of it, look at it, find out where it comes from and then become familiar with compassion. It is intresting when compassion does take over anger but its not easy to do, i struggle a lot especially at the moment.