Reflecting on a year

The blue sky opens out farther and farther,the daily sense of failure goes away,the damage I have done to myself fades,a million suns come forward with light,when I sit firmly in that world.
I hear bells ringing that no one has shaken;inside “love” there is more joy than we know of;rain pours down, although the sky is clear of clouds;there are whole rivers of light.
~Kabir~

Yesterday was my year anniversary with Rick and I thought it be nice to mark the occasion by writing a short blog (a somewhat informal blog).

The entire year has been a happy one. That doesn’t mean that I have not had stressful or challenging times but I feel a profound awareness of contentment that I haven’t experienced in a way that has been more than fleeting up until this point. That is partially thanks to Rick and also thanks to doing a lot of self development. More recently embracing the values of Buddhism has helped me learn how to deal with anxiety and altered my perception on life in general to a more hopeful attitude. My social skills have improved and being a member of IOD has also made a big difference to my life and although I acknowledge that socializing and interacting with people is still a challenge for me I feel like its steadily becoming something more attainable. The catalyst for most of these changes has been the happiness I now feel in my relationship with Rick and so I think it’s worth reminding myself how thankful I should be for what I have.

When I first met Rick, which was a year past April, there was an instant pull. I remember sitting in his company and being mesmerized by him. If I am completely honest I am not usually attracted to men immediately in this way; which is why perhaps people have noted that some of my previous partners have not been what one would call traditionally handsome. However I tend to fall for a person as I get to know them and the physical appeal comes later. This means how they look is not important to me because I can be attracted to any physical shape or person if I connect with them in other ways. Men in general are not that desirable in my opinion. Physically I am much more inclined to look at woman in this way but that is not to say that I am Gay and in-fact I try my best to evade putting a label on my sexuality because frankly I think at best its unnecessary and at worst it breads fear and separation. When I am attracted to a person I just am, they can be any race, size, colour, gender, but when it comes to men the attraction is rarely physical in the beginning.

Rick breaks this rule. From the moment I met him I was very attracted to him and I still am. Everything about him absorbs me. When he is near it is physically strenuous to draw my attention away from looking at him. I often find myself talking to someone else when he is in the room and having to prompt myself to look at the person I am talking to and not just focus my gaze on him. I feel as though my eyes are addicted to him. It’s not just his face, or his body, in the strangest way possible it is everything down to the shape of his mouth, his wrists and hands and even feet. Even the smell of him attracts me to the point that it frustrates me when he baths because it takes a while for his natural smell to return. I’m attracted to the sound of his voice, his accent, the way he says certain words and the phrases he uses. I adore the way he smiles or frowns and how his lips move and head tilts as he talks. I could sit and just watch him all day and be content.

The day back in April when I first met and had a conversation with him I knew at once that I wanted to get to know him more. I remember contemplating going along to places he might be just so that I could accidentally bump into him again. I’m not sure I believe in love at first sight but I am betting that those who do would perhaps be describing a feeling similar to this. A completely unexplainable attraction to someone I really didn’t know.

It was 5 months until I saw him again as due to life events and being pregnant dating was not really an option. Fortunately thanks to a mutual friend who set us up on a date/night out I did eventually get my chance to meet him again. Surprisingly I was really nervous and insecure about this first date because I found it hard to believe that someone as attractive as he was would be interested in me (although I had been informed by said mutual friend that he was). I didn’t believe I could be that fortunate. I still have those self-doubting moments where I think this can’t possibly be my reality.

Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

On that second meeting I was tense. I was sitting with a bunch of friends with him in-front of me and us both knowing that our mutual friend was trying to set us up and that we both liked each other but there was a knot in my stomach making me feel sick and I suddenly had no idea what to say. Gradually I became more comfortable as we started talking and talking and then I have a powerful memory off him touching my hand and it feeling wonderful and just perfect to have him touch me. We ended up sitting closer and closer holding hands and talking. Everyone else left and we stayed behind before slowly walking hand in hand to catch them up as we passed down one of the side streets off the town I got the nerve from somewhere to pull him into me and kissed him hard on the lips.

I used to feel slightly disapproving of people who had whirlwind romantic relationships. I felt that it only reasonable and right that people take there time and really consider the consequences of making commitments too soon. I thought I should be very careful of saying words like “I love you”. The only word I have to describe the first few months of our relationship was cyclone. We spent the first 2 weeks talking incessantly about everything and being pretty much incapable of keeping our hands of each other (not much has changed in that department J). I think if it wasn’t for work or other commitments we may not have ever gotten out of bed. He told me he loved me after 2 and half weeks and he had moved into my flat within 3 months. I think that people may have thought and might even still think that we are completely mental but in reality it is the best thing I have ever done. The start of our relationship may have been unusual due to the polyamory set-up and it may have been far too manic and rapid for any sensible person but really there isn’t a single thing that I regret because it feels like my life up until now has just been leading up to this point.

LET us go then, you and I,

When the evening is spread out against the sky

Like a patient etherised upon a table;

Let us go,

through certain half-deserted streets,

The muttering retreats

Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels

And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:

Streets that follow like a tedious argument

Of insidious intent

To lead you to an overwhelming question …

Oh, do not ask,

“What is it?”

Let us go and make our visit.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

If someone could create for me the perfect man/the perfect partner, then they would have created Rick. Intellectually, mentally, spiritually, physically everything fits perfectly. I sometimes have to remind myself that he is not this appealing to everyone because every once in a while I come across someone who doesn’t get on with him and he is so wonderful to me in every way shape and form that it’s hard to understand why other people don’t feel exactly as I do. Perhaps some people might say it’s unhealthy but I completely adore him, worship him, would do anything for him even follow him to the ends of the earth and back. The fact that this wonderful person is telling me that he is equally as in love with me as I am with him still astounds me.

I am not sure I believe in the concept of a soul, or at least not in the modern sense of the word but if I had to pick a word to describe our relationship I would call him my soulmate, my twin soul, twin flame and all those other things that I thought only hippy crazy people believed.

I think I should probably stop gushing now.