“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.” -Thich Nhat HanhI am finally getting around to writing about Mondays meditation class. I haven’t felt that I could write anything constructive till now because I have been processing a lot of emotions since the weekend.
Monday night we had a class at the Mahabodhi Centre with Paul Ashton http://meditateinedinburgh.org/mahabodhi-centre/resident-teacher.
I arrived at the class on Monday feeling provoked and edgy. A fantastic weekend had turned into an emotional nightmare by the Sunday evening and by Monday morning things had gone from bad to worse. I was not a composed, peaceful, or rational thinking person on Monday and so I hoped the class might do me some good.
I had been feeling disappointed in myself for being unable to contain my overwhelming feelings of frustration and rage especially when Rick was able to remain graceful and calm despite the fact that he was the one taking the brunt of negativity. Nonetheless I do believe that anytime something like this has happens it is an opportunity to grow and learn.
The talk on Monday was about unconditional love. Something that in reality is far harder to comprehend than I would initially believe. When I thought about what unconditional love means on a large scale and then compared that to my own somewhat narrow view on the world I started to realise that most of my perception is still centered on me, and my world and my feelings. We talked about how we label people as friends, enemies and strangers and how these labels are forever changing and therefore un-reliable. What does letting go of those labels mean? Can we really love everyone unconditionally? I know at this point in my life I have trouble even liking everyone there are many people who act in ways that make me perceive them to be bad people and what about the strangers? How can I care about people I don’t actually know, people I have never met and might never meet?
Starting with the people I think of as friends. I judge them based on how they interact with me and how I perceive them. There are some people that were once friends that I know longer consider as such and that is usually because they have done something that I regard as undesirable. I let my affection for them go and either dissipate valuable energy hating them or simply ignore them and go back to thinking of them as strangers – people that don’t exist to me. Except they do exist and they have there own feelings, purpose and perceptions of life. There is no way of me knowing what motivates them or what encounters they have that make them function the way they do. They can have delusions and ideas that are not compatible with my own and yet if we strip all that away, take away all the negative experiences and go back to the raw potential we can see that no matter what these people do they exist and they have the same budding as anyone else to be good or bad.
So the conclusion I came too was that I should not judge people on how they act. I should not judge people at all because I do not know there thoughts or motivations.
At this point in my life I admit I find that difficult but that does not mean I disagree that it is possible. It was after the class that I started to re-evaluate my own feelings towards people in my life.
There is one person who at this point in my life I am often agitated, perturbed by. This person has know idea how I feel about them because our interaction is actually narrow but despite that for various reasons they have an impact on my emotional state and often I find myself thinking poorly of them.
The reason being, this person appears to me to be patronizing, constantly sarcastic to the point that it appears they are trying to make everyone else look stupid and difficult to get to know or even have a conversation with. I feel they are always looking down on me and others and to make matters worse often treating someone I care about in a way that I consider to be mean. After Mondays class when we left and talked about this person I was able to view them in a different light. I don’t know what triggers them to react the way they do but instead of viewing it as something very negative I had a think about what I do know about this person. That they are remarkably insecure and perhaps unhappy, what I do know about there life there have been many things that have happened that could have made it difficult for this person to be happy. There is a possibility that they sarcasm and such are simply ways this person has of shielding themselves and since I do not know what causes them to be so closed off I really have no right to judge based on some small interactions. I guess others could argue that it is equally possible that they really are just mean and condescending but it does not do me any good to view people with negative and destructive assumptions and rather it is far more beneficial to give people the benefit of the doubt. Any energy I have spent feeling upset or frustrated at this person is wasteful. It won’t do me any good and if I react in a negative way I am likely to simply cause the situation to get worse. If instead I turned that into unconditional positive regard and started feeling some compassion for this person perhaps in some small way our interaction might change for the better and at the very least I will no longer be taking up precious time feeling disturbed and irritated.
The next thing the class got me thinking about was attachment. When you consider unconditional love for everyone it is natural to take a moment to consider those we love anyway. I have always been puzzled about how Buddhism views attachment in regards to love. Especially when it comes to normal lay people who have husbands, wife’s, children, friends and other family because if all attachment is corrupt then how does one begin to feel love for the people close to them without being attached. In the end I realise it is not possible or at least it does not feel like something I can do. What is more realistic is I monitor the attachments I do have and try and love unconditionally regardless of my attachment. I also believe it is important to consider my attachments when they cause me or the people I love problems.
My attachment to Rick has recently caused us problems. After the incident at the weekend I realise that I am slightly over protective. I could see that my emotional reaction to something happening that caused him suffering was at an extreme level. Had the same thing happened to me personally I would not have felt such extreme emotions but because it was Rick who is someone I love unconditionally my mind became so disturbed I was unable to think rationally. I could believe that this is perfectly ok and normal because I love Rick therefore I do not wish him to come to any harm and thus I will feel angry and upset if others seem to be causing him pain. However when I think about this on a deeper level I realise that part of the reason that I felt this was because I perceived it in an unhealthy way. Rick is MY partner and you are hurting something that belongs to me therefore I will be angry at you because you are hurting something that is mine. He does not belong to me and he has his own feelings and rational which I completely ignored in my fit of fury. Anything that has happened over the weekend has been towards him. The unfairness and insensitive comments where directed at him and not me, the consequences of those things will affect only him and yet he has been more graceful and calm than I could ever imagine.
What happened to Rick was dreadfully unreasonable. For one mistake he will have consequences that could possibly take years to recover. It seems that any hard work he has done in the past and will continue to do in the future despite this situation has been forgotten. The fact that it is unfair does not mean I have any right to rage at him and anyone else nor is it useful. I do not know the motivation of the person(s) who came to the decision and I probably never will. It may or may not have been motivated by anger rather than professional conduct or it may be the case that the person simply felt that the mistake he made was worthy of a 5 year punishment. I do not know and it’s not helpful for me to be angry. What I am trying to do now is feel compassion for those that made the decision and let go of any negative feelings developing because of this situation. I am partially hopeful that given some time they may realise that what has came to pass is unreasonable and even if that does not change the circumstances for Rick perhaps it may be different for someone else in the future.
What this situation has taught me is that I am extremely lucky to be with such a person who can carry on doing his thing, (in his own little world) without any hate or malice to the people and society that have done this to him. He has taken responsibility for his mistake and will accept a punishment lasting years if the people in charge decide this is what he deserves. He has not even stopped to consider the fairness or unfairness of it and more importantly he has no ill regard for anyone because of the events. Part of the reason I am so passionate about defending him is because fundamentally he is a good person. That does not mean I think he is perfect or he won’t make mistakes but since I have known him he has always taken responsibility for those mistakes and spends time reflecting on how his actions are affecting others. It is not that he is better than anyone else or more deserving of love its simply that I see so much value in his self awareness and ability to try and do the right thing. In the year that I have had the privilege of being his other half I have been aware that I have found something really precious and rare. It is as though he is unspoiled. There are many good people who get dragged down by life experiences and I almost feel afraid that any hurt caused to him will change that goodness he seems to hold. It’s usually something I only see in children, a sort of pureness.
I am attempting to spend the next week reflecting in my meditation the meaning of unconditional love and remembering the kindness that I stumble across in my daily life. I am trying to remember that people are doing me kindness every day and often I do not stop to reflect on this. I used to have a very negative view of the human race because I often spent more time thinking about the bad things our society has and forgetting that there are many things people do everyday that are kind. I hope to eventually find myself able to let go of negative perceptions and at least give every human being the same regard in spite of how they may act or appear to me because fundamentally we all have the ability to be good its experiences along the way that throw us from that course.
Monday night we had a class at the Mahabodhi Centre with Paul Ashton http://meditateinedinburgh.org/mahabodhi-centre/resident-teacher.
I arrived at the class on Monday feeling provoked and edgy. A fantastic weekend had turned into an emotional nightmare by the Sunday evening and by Monday morning things had gone from bad to worse. I was not a composed, peaceful, or rational thinking person on Monday and so I hoped the class might do me some good.
I had been feeling disappointed in myself for being unable to contain my overwhelming feelings of frustration and rage especially when Rick was able to remain graceful and calm despite the fact that he was the one taking the brunt of negativity. Nonetheless I do believe that anytime something like this has happens it is an opportunity to grow and learn.
The talk on Monday was about unconditional love. Something that in reality is far harder to comprehend than I would initially believe. When I thought about what unconditional love means on a large scale and then compared that to my own somewhat narrow view on the world I started to realise that most of my perception is still centered on me, and my world and my feelings. We talked about how we label people as friends, enemies and strangers and how these labels are forever changing and therefore un-reliable. What does letting go of those labels mean? Can we really love everyone unconditionally? I know at this point in my life I have trouble even liking everyone there are many people who act in ways that make me perceive them to be bad people and what about the strangers? How can I care about people I don’t actually know, people I have never met and might never meet?
Starting with the people I think of as friends. I judge them based on how they interact with me and how I perceive them. There are some people that were once friends that I know longer consider as such and that is usually because they have done something that I regard as undesirable. I let my affection for them go and either dissipate valuable energy hating them or simply ignore them and go back to thinking of them as strangers – people that don’t exist to me. Except they do exist and they have there own feelings, purpose and perceptions of life. There is no way of me knowing what motivates them or what encounters they have that make them function the way they do. They can have delusions and ideas that are not compatible with my own and yet if we strip all that away, take away all the negative experiences and go back to the raw potential we can see that no matter what these people do they exist and they have the same budding as anyone else to be good or bad.
So the conclusion I came too was that I should not judge people on how they act. I should not judge people at all because I do not know there thoughts or motivations.
At this point in my life I admit I find that difficult but that does not mean I disagree that it is possible. It was after the class that I started to re-evaluate my own feelings towards people in my life.
There is one person who at this point in my life I am often agitated, perturbed by. This person has know idea how I feel about them because our interaction is actually narrow but despite that for various reasons they have an impact on my emotional state and often I find myself thinking poorly of them.
The reason being, this person appears to me to be patronizing, constantly sarcastic to the point that it appears they are trying to make everyone else look stupid and difficult to get to know or even have a conversation with. I feel they are always looking down on me and others and to make matters worse often treating someone I care about in a way that I consider to be mean. After Mondays class when we left and talked about this person I was able to view them in a different light. I don’t know what triggers them to react the way they do but instead of viewing it as something very negative I had a think about what I do know about this person. That they are remarkably insecure and perhaps unhappy, what I do know about there life there have been many things that have happened that could have made it difficult for this person to be happy. There is a possibility that they sarcasm and such are simply ways this person has of shielding themselves and since I do not know what causes them to be so closed off I really have no right to judge based on some small interactions. I guess others could argue that it is equally possible that they really are just mean and condescending but it does not do me any good to view people with negative and destructive assumptions and rather it is far more beneficial to give people the benefit of the doubt. Any energy I have spent feeling upset or frustrated at this person is wasteful. It won’t do me any good and if I react in a negative way I am likely to simply cause the situation to get worse. If instead I turned that into unconditional positive regard and started feeling some compassion for this person perhaps in some small way our interaction might change for the better and at the very least I will no longer be taking up precious time feeling disturbed and irritated.
The next thing the class got me thinking about was attachment. When you consider unconditional love for everyone it is natural to take a moment to consider those we love anyway. I have always been puzzled about how Buddhism views attachment in regards to love. Especially when it comes to normal lay people who have husbands, wife’s, children, friends and other family because if all attachment is corrupt then how does one begin to feel love for the people close to them without being attached. In the end I realise it is not possible or at least it does not feel like something I can do. What is more realistic is I monitor the attachments I do have and try and love unconditionally regardless of my attachment. I also believe it is important to consider my attachments when they cause me or the people I love problems.
My attachment to Rick has recently caused us problems. After the incident at the weekend I realise that I am slightly over protective. I could see that my emotional reaction to something happening that caused him suffering was at an extreme level. Had the same thing happened to me personally I would not have felt such extreme emotions but because it was Rick who is someone I love unconditionally my mind became so disturbed I was unable to think rationally. I could believe that this is perfectly ok and normal because I love Rick therefore I do not wish him to come to any harm and thus I will feel angry and upset if others seem to be causing him pain. However when I think about this on a deeper level I realise that part of the reason that I felt this was because I perceived it in an unhealthy way. Rick is MY partner and you are hurting something that belongs to me therefore I will be angry at you because you are hurting something that is mine. He does not belong to me and he has his own feelings and rational which I completely ignored in my fit of fury. Anything that has happened over the weekend has been towards him. The unfairness and insensitive comments where directed at him and not me, the consequences of those things will affect only him and yet he has been more graceful and calm than I could ever imagine.
What happened to Rick was dreadfully unreasonable. For one mistake he will have consequences that could possibly take years to recover. It seems that any hard work he has done in the past and will continue to do in the future despite this situation has been forgotten. The fact that it is unfair does not mean I have any right to rage at him and anyone else nor is it useful. I do not know the motivation of the person(s) who came to the decision and I probably never will. It may or may not have been motivated by anger rather than professional conduct or it may be the case that the person simply felt that the mistake he made was worthy of a 5 year punishment. I do not know and it’s not helpful for me to be angry. What I am trying to do now is feel compassion for those that made the decision and let go of any negative feelings developing because of this situation. I am partially hopeful that given some time they may realise that what has came to pass is unreasonable and even if that does not change the circumstances for Rick perhaps it may be different for someone else in the future.
What this situation has taught me is that I am extremely lucky to be with such a person who can carry on doing his thing, (in his own little world) without any hate or malice to the people and society that have done this to him. He has taken responsibility for his mistake and will accept a punishment lasting years if the people in charge decide this is what he deserves. He has not even stopped to consider the fairness or unfairness of it and more importantly he has no ill regard for anyone because of the events. Part of the reason I am so passionate about defending him is because fundamentally he is a good person. That does not mean I think he is perfect or he won’t make mistakes but since I have known him he has always taken responsibility for those mistakes and spends time reflecting on how his actions are affecting others. It is not that he is better than anyone else or more deserving of love its simply that I see so much value in his self awareness and ability to try and do the right thing. In the year that I have had the privilege of being his other half I have been aware that I have found something really precious and rare. It is as though he is unspoiled. There are many good people who get dragged down by life experiences and I almost feel afraid that any hurt caused to him will change that goodness he seems to hold. It’s usually something I only see in children, a sort of pureness.
I am attempting to spend the next week reflecting in my meditation the meaning of unconditional love and remembering the kindness that I stumble across in my daily life. I am trying to remember that people are doing me kindness every day and often I do not stop to reflect on this. I used to have a very negative view of the human race because I often spent more time thinking about the bad things our society has and forgetting that there are many things people do everyday that are kind. I hope to eventually find myself able to let go of negative perceptions and at least give every human being the same regard in spite of how they may act or appear to me because fundamentally we all have the ability to be good its experiences along the way that throw us from that course.
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