A Positive End

Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.~Vincent van Gogh~

It is official; I am tentatively dipping my toe back into the world of monogamy. That may come as a shock for some I am sure others will relish the opportunity to smile smugly and pronounce that they where right all along and polyamory really doesn’t work.

The reason for this is largely because after 6 years, my relationship with one of my partners felt like it had developed into more of a friendship than an intimate relationship. I am not keen on the phrase split-up or break-up because that implies a complete breakdown of a relationship and love; that is just not the case with us. It’s been more an even process, a change over time. It has been a positive ending to just one part of our relationship and that means there is no fuss, nothing worth gossiping about, no great big fight or anything remotely that dramatic.

It is also not a case of me leaving him for my other partner because the decision was based on the individual feelings and unrelated to anybody else but him and me.

I notice, going through this with him that people often presume that one party has to be wronged in some way during a break-up. People often believe that they have to take a side. Perhaps not in a blatant way but in a subtle way. In our case I am well aware how things can be perceived. No matter how open I am about polyamory and what that means in regards to agreement and honesty from all persons involved there are still some people who view more than one partner as cheating.

Being in the kind of relationship that we have has given us a wider grasp of our own feelings and an appreciation of each others needs. I do not regret the time, energy and work we have put into each other. Thinking about endings and relationships has highlighted how glad I feel that we don’t go about things with our eyes closed. It seems so easy to fall in and out of love without really having any insight. I believe that because we where always aiming for candid communication it meant that we where able to realise that it was time for change before we felt stifled or started to become bitter.

I feel like even though a part of me is sad that things have changed I am also very lucky that we are both able to keep a level of closeness and friendship that most people would expect to lose in these circumstances. This is part fluke, (because we both agreed and decided that we wanted things this way and therefore it’s easier to accept) but also because we where able to tell each other what we thought and end things at a time that felt right. I would rather be in a happy relationship for 6 years and then continue a close friendship with someone who has shared a part of my life than be in a relationship for 40 years and spend 34 of those fighting and miserable.

And so…

Chris is someone that I have loved for 6 years and will continue to love. I am lucky to have him as part of my life in the past, present, and hopefully the future.

Now, we will both be on a journey to see what is next and for now I am taking a step back into monogamy. The main reason for this is because at the moment I am very focused on other goals. I have no desire to date. I loved being poly but it’s not easy to find 1 person to fall in love with let alone 2. The reward of being poly are great but it does require work and for now I comfortable with it just being myself and Rick. For me this will be an interesting change – for most people it’s the norm. I am curious to know how normal feels (it’s been a LONG time) I would never rule out polyamory again and I still encourage anyone to look into it and if it feels right try it. It can work, I have no regrets.