“You are not the source of each other's Love. You are helping each other to access the LOVE that is the Source."
What do you do when you discover something so huge that it is overwhelming? Something that has your heart hammering, your pupils dilating and sweat dripping because its so incredible you physically react to it in ways that are powerful enough to bring you to your knees? What if that is just the tip of the iceberg because how you feel, your spirit, soul, or whatever it is that you believe makes you the person you are and more than just a physical being is responding in ways that words cannot describe?.
I strongly disagree that one person completes another because I believe that everybody is whole. I do not usually use terms such as “other half”. I do not think of myself as only part of a couple. I am me, one complete soul living and learning autonomously. My partner is also a separate being on this mortal coil to gain little bits of enlightenment until he is ready for whatever comes next and what comes next we are not meant to understand. If we could appreciate that now our entire reason for existing, for feeling, for developing and pushing ourselves to experience more and more would be gone. I am but one tiny being in this universe that is possibly infinite how could I realistically understand its purpose.
Soul mates
Twin-souls
What these terms have come to mean and what they where intended to mean seems to have been lost. I do not believe we have only one Soul mate. I have a strong belief in reincarnation however I am not arrogant enough to claim that I am right and all the other religions and faiths in this world are wrong or indeed that the atheists are wrong. I believe what I believe because personal experience keeps bringing me back to this path and because I have a very strong gut feeling that I should/need/want to learn more about this.
I was 16 years old and on my way back from London. I was at a very low point I’d had an awful time and ended up very ill. I sat on the train and I started to read my book. It was a poetry book of modern poems. I love poetry, reading it and trying to write it in my own amateur way. I was aware of someone sitting down next to me but I didn’t look up. The stranger got themselves settled and then I was vaguely aware of someone peering over my shoulder at what I was reading. I didn’t look up because I didn’t really feel like I wanted a conversation. A girl’s voice with a strong Russian accent commented that I must enjoy writing poems because most people who read poetry also write. I looked up at her to be polite and said that yes I did write but I wasn’t very good. When I looked at her I knew her. I didn’t know where from or how but I most defiantly knew this girl. A look of recognition passed between us and then she said out load “you look very familiar” I laughed and said so do you. I assumed she was someone that I had bumped into before so I asked her if she was heading to Edinburgh. She told me she was and I asked her if she knew anyone in Edinburgh and suggested that maybe we had friends in common or we had met at some point and hadn’t remembered. She told me that she had arrived a couple of days ago from Russia and that she had never visited the UK before now. That was extraordinary because I had never visited Russia but I knew this girl the feeling was so profound and unexplainable that I could not just pass it off as insignificant. More importantly it was a feeling that was shared between strangers. She kept saying that she felt like we had met before and we where both baffled at how strong this recognition felt despite the fact there was no logical reason.
We spent the next 7 hours (train was delayed) talking. We talked about anything and everything. About what this feeling or recognition might be and why we shared it. About or faith or lack of it and how disillusioned we where with the world and life in general. We exchanged poems as we both liked to write and we talked about our lives and our hopes for the future. I told her things that I hadn’t told anyone before. When the train arrived at Waverly we parted both agreeing that it somehow didn’t feel right to exchange contact details though we where not sure exactly why.
This kind of encounter is something you need to live through to appreciate. It was more about feeling and intuition than anything that is easily put into words. The feeling of knowing her was so intense I can’t explain it through words. The entire encounter was like dehjavu and yet so much more than that. The dehjavu feeling lasted the entire 7 hours that we where together. I had goose bumps up my arms and the hairs on the back of my neck where prickling. I felt a feeling close to the feeling one gets when you meet someone that you are attracted to and yet the feeling was not sexual. Beyond the physical feeling I felt something else that really is impossible to put into words. It didn’t feel like it came from me or her it felt like we where both creating an energy together.
After this chance meeting I spent a long time thinking about and looking into the Buddhist faith. Especially in regards to reincarnation because at the time it was my only explanation for the feeling both myself and this girl felt. It was as if we had some friendship or relationship in another lifetime. Over the years I have come to evaluate and try and understand each relationship in my life. Whether reincarnation is fact or not does not take away the value of looking deeper into each encounter and experience and seeing how the relationships or events (however fleeting) have impacted on my life. It has meant that I have gradually started to stop thinking on events as fair or unfair, bad or good, negative or positive and start to see all things no matter how difficult as an opportunity to grow.
Since my recent breakup with my long term partner I have looked very closely at all my previous relationships and from the perspective of my spiritual beliefs I can see how each one has impacted on me. My first relationship at 17 was the classic high school romance. So very intense and yet back then I was perhaps more in love with the idea of love itself than I was with him. There was never any real security that he loved me back and he was not always particularly nice to me and yet I carried on loving him unconditionally until the day he left me. When that relationship ended it broke my heart. At the time, him ending our relationship felt like the worse thing that could possibly happen. I learned later on that there are far bigger heartaches than losing your first love. I had to cut all contact with him just to get over him and yet now years on I have been able to let that hurt go. Seeing him now as an adult I just appreciate that he was the first man I ever loved. Looking back in hindsight after several other relationships I am more able to see that there are different levels to love and what was felt so intensely then was so because I had never experienced that kind of romantic love before. It was incredible at the time but nothing compared to what I have experienced since.
Then there was Chris, the man I had to work out karma with. Chris is a soulmate and I still believe that now even after we have decided to end our romantic relationship. With Chris I was able to work through past Karma. It is my belief that before I was ever born there was an agreement with Chris to do this.
This idea is one that I came to on my own and later studied. It is called a soul agreement and the theory is that before we are born into our human form we make agreements with other souls to meet in this lifetime and hopefully learn from each other. This does not mean that everything is predestined and although I believe something’s are destiny I also trust that we have free will otherwise we are not really learning at all and are merely puppets. The souls understand that certain people will get together and are likely to grow together, or learn from each other. There is also the possibility of resolving karma that may have built up over several lifetimes (Karmic soul agreements)
My relationship with Chris was and in a way still is passionate and fiery. It was very much the kind of relationship that is hate/love. We’ve had some wonderful fights, and even greater make-up sex. He has sustained me through the worst of my depression and looked after me when I was sick physically. He taught me that there are good people in this world who will look out for me. I would never have any qualms about spending 6 years of my life romantically involved with this man. Conversely I also have no regrets about our relationship moving on to a different phase because for me it feels like we have worked out a lot of karma and have been able to end things in a way that allows us to carry on being close friends. I get a very strong sense that now was the right time to end things and so does he. This means that we don’t have to part on a negative note and can hold onto our friendship and love without one person wanting more. Chris is a soulmate because he had to be a part of this life. We had to make our baby and we had to lose that baby because everything is exactly how it is meant to be. I would go to hell and back to change the fact that we lost Samson but I also accept that by losing him I have gone through one of the worst heartaches anybody can imagine and I survived, Chris survived and we survived.
There have been other less serious romantic relationships when Chris and myself where polyamorous, some lasting months other only weeks and one more than a year. All of these added a fresh layer of knowledge and understanding to my life and all of them even the ones that hurt me the most I value.
I am no longer polyamorous though I still support, and keep many of the values that I have developed because of polyamory. I still live with 2 men that I love and still consider family. The only difference is that I am no longer sexual with Chris. It feels very strange calling him my ex or calling our change in dynamics a break-up because to me a breakup is a termination of relationship and in this circumstance there is still a close relationship it has just changed from a sexual one to a friendship. It feels like we are between friends and lovers and there is no word in the English language that defines us. I hope that Chris will always be a part of my life I do not expect that we will live together indefinitely although for the foreseeable future this arrangement will continue. I do expect that he will be my friend and confidant for life.
I am now for the first time in years in an exclusive relationship and from the very beginning this relationship has opened my eyes to a different kind of intimacy. Before I met Rick I didn’t believe in love at first sight and I am not even sure that I do now. What I do know is that there was something between us from the very first moment I saw him. There is no way to describe what I felt that first meeting. We did not immediately get together or meet again. I did not pursue the attraction and feelings because at the time I was already pregnant and my love life was already complex. I did not forget him and thought lots about how I may orchestrate another chance meeting. It wasn’t until I lost my baby and life started to settle down for me that the opportunity to meet him again came about thanks to a mutual friend. I never imagined the attraction or feelings would be mutual.
It is never difficult to be with him. I do not need to think about what I say or do around him. I was able to tell him only a few days into our relationship things that would normally take me years to have the confidence in someone to reveal. I am usually a very open person however there are some things that I do not share easily. It was a relationship from the start, there was no slow build up like I am used too or would expect, and everything just clicked into place from our first date. There was and still is an intense attraction on a sexual level yet I recognize that even if circumstances where that we could not have a sexual relationship I would still be unable to give him up. I have experienced love in many ways and those of you who are familiar with my past poetry will know that there is usually a raw edge to how I interpret love. There is usually a mix of pain and pleasure, with him there is nothing painful about our relationship aside from the sometimes frightening intensity of it all it is very easy to be together.
Whatever it is that we have it is new to me. It has been and continues to be a learning curve. It is only in recent weeks that I am starting to feel more stable. There is no doubt in my mind that we are meant for each other and that is a very soothing thought. I can’t imagine the things that we might share together in the future, a year is not that long in the scheme of life but it feels like an exciting place to be. Being with him makes me want to explore spiritually in more depth once again. Not because he is a very spiritual person but because the depth of our bond makes me think about what it all means. I can’t settle on believing that it’s all for nothing, that all this learning and developing and the little bits of enlightenment I am attaining with each new experience are meaningless. There is also the thought of what happens after this life and the astute realization that we all die; including him. That even if I love him from now until my life ends, our lives do end and what then? The past few weeks have been full of reading and thinking about faith and I am in the headspace now to continue with that as an adult. The last time I truly looked into this was at 16 years old when I was very caught up in so much emotional turmoil and also very inexperienced. 10 years on perhaps it is time to go back and evaluate some more. I am by no means some kind of new-age fanatic nor am I ever going to be a good Christian girl. Even some of the teachings in the Buddhist faith don’t feel right just yet but I want to know more and in my opinion the best way for me to do that is not to set myself limits by reaching out to only one set of guidelines that some organized religion has set out to be the only truth and instead respect and learn about all faith and what it means to people individually and what it means to me. I have no desire to join any mass group of people because although I can see so much value in some of the organized religions I have a strong desire to make this a personal journey. I know that I am now more content than I have ever been and that is not because my life is empty of difficulties its because of those challenges and my starting to accept that both the things that give me peace and the things that cause me pain are of equal value. A sense that the I cannot have the good without the bad..
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