It is a question I’ve been asked a number of times. I have much respect for the people who actually ask it out loud and to my face than those asking it in whispers behind my back. Why would anyone choose this lifestyle, what do I gain, don’t I know what I’m losing. Isn’t one enough, how can I, why do I, why…
I had my first significant relationship aged 17. I was in love, I felt it intensely. We were both young but what we felt for each other was genuine. I still have warm memories of my first love. It was wholesome, fresh and untainted. What disturbs me now looking back is realizing how many people were against us. Things where serious at a young age but I have no regrets about this relationship and I wouldn’t have traded it for any of the more traditional casual teen romances that where familiar in my high school. We broke up after 3 years but I learned a lot from him. It was a fluke that we found each other at a difficult time. What we both needed most was a friend and it was as friends that we confided in each other ironically making whatever teenage romance we were having much stronger. It was this rapport that would lay the groundwork for the rest of my adult relationships.
Even back then I remember being able to tell him when I found other people attractive, and likewise I was unperturbed with him commenting on other girls. It seemed instinctive and perfectly acceptable to be honest with each other and we delighted in the banter of talking about who we liked and why. We negotiated about one day having some kind of open arrangement but at the time we didn’t feel mature enough to deal with the consequences. It is very different talking about being attracted to other people and quite another doing something about it.
It was therefore instinctive for me to carry on with this in my next relationship (the man who is now my long term partner). From the very beginning I kept the momentum of honest self disclosure. The relationship with my partner now (Chris) was a more adult relationship and that made it more demanding but we were both committed to that and it was something we accepted we would be constantly working on. Chris knew from the start that I liked the idea of eventually opening thing up but it was 3 years into our relationship before we made any moves to make that happen. There was a huge sense of fear around what would happen once we introduced other romantic relationships,
* Fear of falling out of love with each other
* Fear of jealousy ripping us apart
* Fear of the other person’s influence
* Fear of what other people would think
* Fear that we would be judged and our relationship would not be respected
* Fear of not being in control
It was gut wrenching, sickening fear. We were almost too afraid to take the step into polyamory. It would have felt easier at the time to just carry on as a normal monogamous couple. Then events happened that led to a resolve being made that we would try (non-monogamy)
It was not easy. Back then we didn’t know what the word polyamory was all we knew was we where allowing the possibility of feelings to exist for other people. There was no handbook and nobody to tell us what to do and so we made lots of mistakes, got crazy jealous, and eventually had to put it on hold and sit down again to talk some more.
It was the second time around that we really talked, researched, and most importantly listened to each other. We spent a long time trying to figure out what it was we wanted. We stopped using words like primary and secondary and we started to let go of the idea of having total control over what happened in the future. We stopped trying to eradicate jealousy and seeing it as something only negative and instead explored the feeling and recognized it might never go away (this was NOT easy). The only way I can illustrate exploring jealousy is explaining it like someone picking at a scab over and over again, seeing all the gore underneath and trying to figure out how to heal the wounds. We slowly learned that like all emotions it was trying to tell us something and usually when we understood why we felt jealous we could do something to change it. It took another 6 months before we tried dating others again. It is testing I am aware some people claim that they don’t get jealous but I believe that puts people off polyamory because most people realise that they will get jealous.
What I give up by being polyamorous is the traditional, fairytale, norm of finding “the one” getting married and living happily ever after. I give up the option of cutting out the parts of life that make me feel nasty emotions such as jealousy and insecurity. What I gain in return is the understanding that there is more than one person out there who I am allowed to love and who will love me back and living this incredible life were I am constantly surrounded by people that love and care for each other.
So the questions people often ask,
Isn’t one man enough?
My answer
Its not about who is enough, I could say the same about friends or children. If you have more than one child should I presume that the first child wasn’t enough. Most parents would find this statement insulting. I view my romantic relationships on the same terms. I loved Chris with all my heart, when I fell in love with Rick it just felt like my heart got bigger. It was not a case of having to share it out between them and it was never a case of one not being enough for me they are both wonderful lovely men anyone would be happy to know just one of them the fact that I am in a relationship with them both makes me exceptionally lucky.
Don’t you all get Jealous?
My answer
Yes (which normally shocks people because they expect I will say no) but how can I say no of course I get jealous. That is like saying do I get angry, or sad, and yes I do I am human and I feel a huge range of emotions I am no more immune to jealousy because I am polyamorous than I would be immune to anger or hurt and both Chris and Rick feel jealous from time to time also they are like me only human.
The longer I do this the more I can be self aware when I feel jealous and deal with it quicker. It doesn’t go away it’s always something I have to work on just over time I have learned how to work on it more efficiently.
Recently I had a colossal, god awful bout of jealousy and this is after 3 years of polyamory! It was simply because of something new happening (the possibility of Rick dating). It hit me harder because it took me by surprise. I assumed that because I am mostly always ok (give or take a few minor hiccups) with Chris going on dates I would also be fine when it came to Rick. I was wrong. I can see now that it is the uncertainty of the future that brought up the feeling of jealousy in the first place and the fact that because things are not as established with Rick I don't feel as secure in this relationship as I am in my other. I was comparing a 6 year relationship with a 6 month relationship. I wasn’t planning to share this with anyone and felt considerably embarrassed by my reaction however after some consideration I realised that its moments like these that are so very important because this is what we learn from and this is the reality of polyamory. There is no point in gushing over all the good points if I am not prepared to talk about the more difficult aspects. So…for those of you who think I can’t possibly feel real jealousy, the horrible kind that normal people feel I’ll explain a little about what that moment was like for me,
I had my first significant relationship aged 17. I was in love, I felt it intensely. We were both young but what we felt for each other was genuine. I still have warm memories of my first love. It was wholesome, fresh and untainted. What disturbs me now looking back is realizing how many people were against us. Things where serious at a young age but I have no regrets about this relationship and I wouldn’t have traded it for any of the more traditional casual teen romances that where familiar in my high school. We broke up after 3 years but I learned a lot from him. It was a fluke that we found each other at a difficult time. What we both needed most was a friend and it was as friends that we confided in each other ironically making whatever teenage romance we were having much stronger. It was this rapport that would lay the groundwork for the rest of my adult relationships.
Even back then I remember being able to tell him when I found other people attractive, and likewise I was unperturbed with him commenting on other girls. It seemed instinctive and perfectly acceptable to be honest with each other and we delighted in the banter of talking about who we liked and why. We negotiated about one day having some kind of open arrangement but at the time we didn’t feel mature enough to deal with the consequences. It is very different talking about being attracted to other people and quite another doing something about it.
It was therefore instinctive for me to carry on with this in my next relationship (the man who is now my long term partner). From the very beginning I kept the momentum of honest self disclosure. The relationship with my partner now (Chris) was a more adult relationship and that made it more demanding but we were both committed to that and it was something we accepted we would be constantly working on. Chris knew from the start that I liked the idea of eventually opening thing up but it was 3 years into our relationship before we made any moves to make that happen. There was a huge sense of fear around what would happen once we introduced other romantic relationships,
* Fear of falling out of love with each other
* Fear of jealousy ripping us apart
* Fear of the other person’s influence
* Fear of what other people would think
* Fear that we would be judged and our relationship would not be respected
* Fear of not being in control
It was gut wrenching, sickening fear. We were almost too afraid to take the step into polyamory. It would have felt easier at the time to just carry on as a normal monogamous couple. Then events happened that led to a resolve being made that we would try (non-monogamy)
It was not easy. Back then we didn’t know what the word polyamory was all we knew was we where allowing the possibility of feelings to exist for other people. There was no handbook and nobody to tell us what to do and so we made lots of mistakes, got crazy jealous, and eventually had to put it on hold and sit down again to talk some more.
It was the second time around that we really talked, researched, and most importantly listened to each other. We spent a long time trying to figure out what it was we wanted. We stopped using words like primary and secondary and we started to let go of the idea of having total control over what happened in the future. We stopped trying to eradicate jealousy and seeing it as something only negative and instead explored the feeling and recognized it might never go away (this was NOT easy). The only way I can illustrate exploring jealousy is explaining it like someone picking at a scab over and over again, seeing all the gore underneath and trying to figure out how to heal the wounds. We slowly learned that like all emotions it was trying to tell us something and usually when we understood why we felt jealous we could do something to change it. It took another 6 months before we tried dating others again. It is testing I am aware some people claim that they don’t get jealous but I believe that puts people off polyamory because most people realise that they will get jealous.
What I give up by being polyamorous is the traditional, fairytale, norm of finding “the one” getting married and living happily ever after. I give up the option of cutting out the parts of life that make me feel nasty emotions such as jealousy and insecurity. What I gain in return is the understanding that there is more than one person out there who I am allowed to love and who will love me back and living this incredible life were I am constantly surrounded by people that love and care for each other.
So the questions people often ask,
Isn’t one man enough?
My answer
Its not about who is enough, I could say the same about friends or children. If you have more than one child should I presume that the first child wasn’t enough. Most parents would find this statement insulting. I view my romantic relationships on the same terms. I loved Chris with all my heart, when I fell in love with Rick it just felt like my heart got bigger. It was not a case of having to share it out between them and it was never a case of one not being enough for me they are both wonderful lovely men anyone would be happy to know just one of them the fact that I am in a relationship with them both makes me exceptionally lucky.
Don’t you all get Jealous?
My answer
Yes (which normally shocks people because they expect I will say no) but how can I say no of course I get jealous. That is like saying do I get angry, or sad, and yes I do I am human and I feel a huge range of emotions I am no more immune to jealousy because I am polyamorous than I would be immune to anger or hurt and both Chris and Rick feel jealous from time to time also they are like me only human.
The longer I do this the more I can be self aware when I feel jealous and deal with it quicker. It doesn’t go away it’s always something I have to work on just over time I have learned how to work on it more efficiently.
Recently I had a colossal, god awful bout of jealousy and this is after 3 years of polyamory! It was simply because of something new happening (the possibility of Rick dating). It hit me harder because it took me by surprise. I assumed that because I am mostly always ok (give or take a few minor hiccups) with Chris going on dates I would also be fine when it came to Rick. I was wrong. I can see now that it is the uncertainty of the future that brought up the feeling of jealousy in the first place and the fact that because things are not as established with Rick I don't feel as secure in this relationship as I am in my other. I was comparing a 6 year relationship with a 6 month relationship. I wasn’t planning to share this with anyone and felt considerably embarrassed by my reaction however after some consideration I realised that its moments like these that are so very important because this is what we learn from and this is the reality of polyamory. There is no point in gushing over all the good points if I am not prepared to talk about the more difficult aspects. So…for those of you who think I can’t possibly feel real jealousy, the horrible kind that normal people feel I’ll explain a little about what that moment was like for me,
It was like someone kicked me in the stomach, it was horror, and nausea and I cried my heart out. I cried so hard that I was leaning into a basin because I thought the tears would make me physically sick. I told him that I couldn’t deal with this and I was almost tempted to ask him not too. This was all over one date. I knew I was being hypocritical and unfair and I hated myself for it but for those moments I could not get past that feeling.
I am lucky, in moments like this we have learned to be patient and understanding. Rick is a remarkably accepting partner. After lots of hugs and reassurance the feeling started to ease. It always does even if at first only temporarily. Once I wasn’t so caught up in the emotion itself we had the chance to analyze it a little. I feel much better now but I know there is still a part of me that’s afraid because I’m insecure about Rick leaving me. Some people might advice me that this is a sign I should put a stop to all this, focus on one man and then everything will be ok. I disagree because underneath even if I was monogamous that insecurity would still be present. I just might not have been made so acutely aware of it. Yes Rick dating scares me but just because something scares me doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t do it. I am certain I will feel jealous again over this, I might even be somewhat irrational but at no point have I taken up Ricks offer to have him not date because I know that would only be a temporary solution to my insecurity.
I’m not saying this to put people off, but I’m being realistic because sometimes it really isn’t easy.
I am lucky, in moments like this we have learned to be patient and understanding. Rick is a remarkably accepting partner. After lots of hugs and reassurance the feeling started to ease. It always does even if at first only temporarily. Once I wasn’t so caught up in the emotion itself we had the chance to analyze it a little. I feel much better now but I know there is still a part of me that’s afraid because I’m insecure about Rick leaving me. Some people might advice me that this is a sign I should put a stop to all this, focus on one man and then everything will be ok. I disagree because underneath even if I was monogamous that insecurity would still be present. I just might not have been made so acutely aware of it. Yes Rick dating scares me but just because something scares me doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t do it. I am certain I will feel jealous again over this, I might even be somewhat irrational but at no point have I taken up Ricks offer to have him not date because I know that would only be a temporary solution to my insecurity.
I’m not saying this to put people off, but I’m being realistic because sometimes it really isn’t easy.
Next question…
Why do you do this if you feel jealous?
Doesn’t that mean that it’s not right?
Isn’t it cruel to the men that they have to share you?
Isn’t this torture?
(I could go on and on but you get the idea)
My answer
I accept that I will feel jealous from time to time in the same way that I accept that I will feel sad from time to time. When I feel sad I talk to one of my partners and they give me a hug and comfort me and we talk about what is making me feel sad and come up with a solution to how to make me feel happier. I do the same thing with jealousy. So Chris went to see his other girlfriend 3 times this week and I’ve been working lots so haven’t had a lot of time to spend with him myself. The next time he tells me he is going to see her I feel a pang of jealousy. Instead of letting that fester I talk to Chris when he gets home tell him that I feel a bit jealous and we try and figure out why. When we realise that I haven’t seen him in a few nights we make plans together for next time we are both free and make a point of letting each other know we still care for each other. (I think one of the positive things about polyamory is that often we are more sensitive to do those little things to make each other feel cherished).
It can go deeper, I might feel that she is prettier, more intelligent, more worthy of his love, there could be a whole list of serious reasons why I feel jealous but there is always a reason and there is always a solution. I am not the most secure, confident person on the planet so I accept that this will happen but I also see how much I grow every time jealousy does come up. The same goes for both my partners. If it truly was relentless torture and they where being torn apart by jealousy that was taking over there life’s and preventing them from being happy then I am sure that they would opt out of this type of relationship. The truth is when we started out with polyamory or when one of us meets someone new we deal with jealousy issues lots, these days its occasional the more we work at it the less it happens.
Why can’t you commit to just one man are you afraid of commitment?
My answer
Am I afraid of commitment (are you kidding) not only do I have mortgage, 2 dogs, and a cat with one man but I am also including a 2nd. I may not be married but we might as well be. I have made a commitment to both of them to share my home, my finance, my pets and in the future our children. Yes I can commit but why should it be just to one man? I am by no means a commitment phobic.
Don’t you want to get married?
My answer
Yes, I would love to get married. But I would love to marry them both and that is bigamy I could go to jail for a very long time. I am not a fan of marriage in the legal sense because I believe that marriage is between the people who want to make a declaration of love and NOT the state. I do not need a piece of paper from the government that tells me I am in a committed relationship. I do not follow any particular religion and so doing it in “the eyes of god” means very little.
However, that being said I do have some faith even if it’s not conventional and I am a very girly girl I’ve been planning my wedding since I was about 3! I have even been dress shopping a couple of times (ask my Mum). I am technically engaged to Chris, alas with a broken ring that will const me 250 pounds to fix but still I am engaged. I want to walk down the isle, I want the dress, the cake the first dance and the honeymoon, I want to stand up in front of all the people I care about and show them that I have found someone special. Chris proposing was one of the happiest days of my life and just because we haven’t officially got married does not mean that I took the promise to spend our life’s together any less seriously but I would not, could not marry just one man because I love 2 and if it ever did happen it would not be legal I would hand-fast, or have a commitment ceremony to them both. I’d have my wedding day but hopefully there would be 2 grooms not one J (yes I’m greedy) and the state, government or the city of Edinburgh Council would have nothing to do with it!!! Since I’m currently only engaged too Chris that not going to happen in near future.
You’ll give all this wacky stuff up once you have kids right…?
My answer
Why? I could spend hours debating whether polyamory is a healthy enough environment for children but that is a whole other issue. Links to useful resources on this
http://www.lovemore.com/articles/thinkkids.php
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2010/02/poly-as-child-friendly-way-of-life.html
I believe 100 percent that children can have a happy loving family even if that family is not traditional. I try not to get drawn into this particular debate because most people who feel the need to slap this one in my face have done little or no research on the matter and often have no experience at all in childcare. I may not have any living children but I spent 5 years in childcare and education and countless hours researching the impact on polyamory on children. Yes I am certain that my children will be loved, healthy and happy otherwise I am mature enough to opt out of having any.
And what with the kids if you split up?
My answer
The same thing that happens with any other couple with kids split up, I would like to believe that since we are already able to be self aware of our feelings and recognize when they are making us act in an irrational way that we would be mature when it came to children if the worse ever happened and our relationship broke down. The children I have will have the advantage of 2 fathers, but they will know who there biological Dad is. We have decided to be upfront and not make a big deal about that. It’s important they know but they will also know that they have the love and attention of us all. Chris kids and Ricks kids would be related (brothers or sisters) so should we break up it would be paramount that everyone was able to stay reasonable. If the romantic aspect of our relationship ended I would like to see us go on to being friends.
Do you have rules?
My answer
Yes we do, but not many and they are flexible. Mainly the rule is to (try) and be honest about everything possible/to keep talking and communicating. That is not always so easy especially if you think being honest about a particular thing might provoke a jealous or angry reaction in the person you are being honest with. It can sometimes seem easier to tell a white lie. The reaction however is important, we need to get past the reaction and see what’s really going on before it can be confronted and that is part of the reason why it is better to be honest.
We also accept that none of us are perfect and we are not telepathic we are committed to telling each other what we need, want, desire from the relationships and rather than expect each other to guess there is an issue we are (usually) able to verbally express things.
There are basic rules about protecting against unwanted pregnancy and STDs those are a given but for everything else we are very flexible because after sometime trying to control everything Chris and myself realised that its just not possible and stressing about the lack of control seems such a waste of time. We deal with things on a case by case basis. As long as we are respectful this situation works.
Do you have a third, are you looking for a third, where does this end?
My answer
I have the option of falling in love again and I have a very close male friend who I would say that I love but in a very different way than the others. I wish there was a word for a friend like that but there isn’t. We are not in a committed relationship and we are not aiming to be in one we enjoy the friendship that we have and are allowed to express that affection physically if we want too. Will we ever get serious or would I ever get serious with anyone else? The answer is that it’s unlikely not because I am not capable of loving a 3rd but because experience has taught me that even if my love is limitless my time is not and I cannot give a fair amount of my energy to 3 people. I think I might die of exhaustion if I tried but I would never rule it out completly :)
The possibilities for Chris and Rick are also open. Rick isn’t currently dating seriously because of lack of time and Chris has a on off girlfriend who I know he cares a great deal about but again there relationship is unique and different to any of my experiences and they are not currently planning on getting serious. If they did, or he did with someone else then we would evaluate that at the time. Before Rick moved in and became a part of our family it was not a decision we took lightly and for anyone else they would have to fit with everyone else already in our family. Sometimes I think another girl would be nice though I miss female company. There is no limit and no end to where this could go we are open to any possibility it’s sometimes hard to resist the urge to plan everything down to the last detail what nobody really knows what will happen in the future even those with a 5 year plan can’t be sure if something big or life changing is coming along to throw everything out of place.
What’s wrong with monogamy?
My answer
Nothing, if that is what you are happy with then there isn't anything wrong with it at all. It’s just not what I am happy with and since I can accept and respect your lifestyle I would like to hope you can accept and respect mine. A lot of people don’t feel there is any alternative to monogamy and me talking about our life is just my way of spreading the word that there IS an alternative.
Why don’t you do this behind closed doors?
Why be so open?
We want to live our life as open and comfortable as anyone else. We don’t feel we have done anything to be ashamed about so why should we hide it. I like the freedom of showing affection to them in public no matter who I am with without fear of people thinking I’m having an affair. Polyamory is just a different way of having a relationship it’s not something that needs to be hidden because really there is nothing wrong with it. Like anyone else I enjoy talking and debating about my choices and life. I want to be able to gush to my friends about the lovely romantic meal I had with Rick or the flowers Chris brought home. I want to be able to tell people why I’m so happy these days and I want to educate people who have misconceptions about polyamory. I have no regrets about telling the world and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
I knew someone who was polyamorous and it didn’t work, so polyamory doesn’t work?
My answer
I knew someone in a monogamous relationship and it didn’t work so monogamy doesn’t work. Think about what you are saying it’s not the relationship structure that didn’t’ work it is the relationship that didn’t work. Enough said.
There are perhaps a fair few more questions that I have been asked that I don’t remember or that I will be asked in the future but this is the just of it and these are the mains questions I get asked by people who are not already living this lifestyle. Other people who are already in situation like me usually have totally different questions because they have a much deeper understanding. I often get the same questions repeated by the same people over and over again (this is always a fun dinnertime conversation) and I get the same statements made over and over,
Yes I already know that you could never do this but why on earth did you had to tell me this 20 times in the last ten minutes?
Usually these types of debates in real life are interesting and almost fun; sometimes they are frustrating, and occasionally its just plain nasty. I can only hope that whoever actually read to the end of this entry learned something small about my life.
Jools
Why do you do this if you feel jealous?
Doesn’t that mean that it’s not right?
Isn’t it cruel to the men that they have to share you?
Isn’t this torture?
(I could go on and on but you get the idea)
My answer
I accept that I will feel jealous from time to time in the same way that I accept that I will feel sad from time to time. When I feel sad I talk to one of my partners and they give me a hug and comfort me and we talk about what is making me feel sad and come up with a solution to how to make me feel happier. I do the same thing with jealousy. So Chris went to see his other girlfriend 3 times this week and I’ve been working lots so haven’t had a lot of time to spend with him myself. The next time he tells me he is going to see her I feel a pang of jealousy. Instead of letting that fester I talk to Chris when he gets home tell him that I feel a bit jealous and we try and figure out why. When we realise that I haven’t seen him in a few nights we make plans together for next time we are both free and make a point of letting each other know we still care for each other. (I think one of the positive things about polyamory is that often we are more sensitive to do those little things to make each other feel cherished).
It can go deeper, I might feel that she is prettier, more intelligent, more worthy of his love, there could be a whole list of serious reasons why I feel jealous but there is always a reason and there is always a solution. I am not the most secure, confident person on the planet so I accept that this will happen but I also see how much I grow every time jealousy does come up. The same goes for both my partners. If it truly was relentless torture and they where being torn apart by jealousy that was taking over there life’s and preventing them from being happy then I am sure that they would opt out of this type of relationship. The truth is when we started out with polyamory or when one of us meets someone new we deal with jealousy issues lots, these days its occasional the more we work at it the less it happens.
Why can’t you commit to just one man are you afraid of commitment?
My answer
Am I afraid of commitment (are you kidding) not only do I have mortgage, 2 dogs, and a cat with one man but I am also including a 2nd. I may not be married but we might as well be. I have made a commitment to both of them to share my home, my finance, my pets and in the future our children. Yes I can commit but why should it be just to one man? I am by no means a commitment phobic.
Don’t you want to get married?
My answer
Yes, I would love to get married. But I would love to marry them both and that is bigamy I could go to jail for a very long time. I am not a fan of marriage in the legal sense because I believe that marriage is between the people who want to make a declaration of love and NOT the state. I do not need a piece of paper from the government that tells me I am in a committed relationship. I do not follow any particular religion and so doing it in “the eyes of god” means very little.
However, that being said I do have some faith even if it’s not conventional and I am a very girly girl I’ve been planning my wedding since I was about 3! I have even been dress shopping a couple of times (ask my Mum). I am technically engaged to Chris, alas with a broken ring that will const me 250 pounds to fix but still I am engaged. I want to walk down the isle, I want the dress, the cake the first dance and the honeymoon, I want to stand up in front of all the people I care about and show them that I have found someone special. Chris proposing was one of the happiest days of my life and just because we haven’t officially got married does not mean that I took the promise to spend our life’s together any less seriously but I would not, could not marry just one man because I love 2 and if it ever did happen it would not be legal I would hand-fast, or have a commitment ceremony to them both. I’d have my wedding day but hopefully there would be 2 grooms not one J (yes I’m greedy) and the state, government or the city of Edinburgh Council would have nothing to do with it!!! Since I’m currently only engaged too Chris that not going to happen in near future.
You’ll give all this wacky stuff up once you have kids right…?
My answer
Why? I could spend hours debating whether polyamory is a healthy enough environment for children but that is a whole other issue. Links to useful resources on this
http://www.lovemore.com/articles/thinkkids.php
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2010/02/poly-as-child-friendly-way-of-life.html
I believe 100 percent that children can have a happy loving family even if that family is not traditional. I try not to get drawn into this particular debate because most people who feel the need to slap this one in my face have done little or no research on the matter and often have no experience at all in childcare. I may not have any living children but I spent 5 years in childcare and education and countless hours researching the impact on polyamory on children. Yes I am certain that my children will be loved, healthy and happy otherwise I am mature enough to opt out of having any.
And what with the kids if you split up?
My answer
The same thing that happens with any other couple with kids split up, I would like to believe that since we are already able to be self aware of our feelings and recognize when they are making us act in an irrational way that we would be mature when it came to children if the worse ever happened and our relationship broke down. The children I have will have the advantage of 2 fathers, but they will know who there biological Dad is. We have decided to be upfront and not make a big deal about that. It’s important they know but they will also know that they have the love and attention of us all. Chris kids and Ricks kids would be related (brothers or sisters) so should we break up it would be paramount that everyone was able to stay reasonable. If the romantic aspect of our relationship ended I would like to see us go on to being friends.
Do you have rules?
My answer
Yes we do, but not many and they are flexible. Mainly the rule is to (try) and be honest about everything possible/to keep talking and communicating. That is not always so easy especially if you think being honest about a particular thing might provoke a jealous or angry reaction in the person you are being honest with. It can sometimes seem easier to tell a white lie. The reaction however is important, we need to get past the reaction and see what’s really going on before it can be confronted and that is part of the reason why it is better to be honest.
We also accept that none of us are perfect and we are not telepathic we are committed to telling each other what we need, want, desire from the relationships and rather than expect each other to guess there is an issue we are (usually) able to verbally express things.
There are basic rules about protecting against unwanted pregnancy and STDs those are a given but for everything else we are very flexible because after sometime trying to control everything Chris and myself realised that its just not possible and stressing about the lack of control seems such a waste of time. We deal with things on a case by case basis. As long as we are respectful this situation works.
Do you have a third, are you looking for a third, where does this end?
My answer
I have the option of falling in love again and I have a very close male friend who I would say that I love but in a very different way than the others. I wish there was a word for a friend like that but there isn’t. We are not in a committed relationship and we are not aiming to be in one we enjoy the friendship that we have and are allowed to express that affection physically if we want too. Will we ever get serious or would I ever get serious with anyone else? The answer is that it’s unlikely not because I am not capable of loving a 3rd but because experience has taught me that even if my love is limitless my time is not and I cannot give a fair amount of my energy to 3 people. I think I might die of exhaustion if I tried but I would never rule it out completly :)
The possibilities for Chris and Rick are also open. Rick isn’t currently dating seriously because of lack of time and Chris has a on off girlfriend who I know he cares a great deal about but again there relationship is unique and different to any of my experiences and they are not currently planning on getting serious. If they did, or he did with someone else then we would evaluate that at the time. Before Rick moved in and became a part of our family it was not a decision we took lightly and for anyone else they would have to fit with everyone else already in our family. Sometimes I think another girl would be nice though I miss female company. There is no limit and no end to where this could go we are open to any possibility it’s sometimes hard to resist the urge to plan everything down to the last detail what nobody really knows what will happen in the future even those with a 5 year plan can’t be sure if something big or life changing is coming along to throw everything out of place.
What’s wrong with monogamy?
My answer
Nothing, if that is what you are happy with then there isn't anything wrong with it at all. It’s just not what I am happy with and since I can accept and respect your lifestyle I would like to hope you can accept and respect mine. A lot of people don’t feel there is any alternative to monogamy and me talking about our life is just my way of spreading the word that there IS an alternative.
Why don’t you do this behind closed doors?
Why be so open?
We want to live our life as open and comfortable as anyone else. We don’t feel we have done anything to be ashamed about so why should we hide it. I like the freedom of showing affection to them in public no matter who I am with without fear of people thinking I’m having an affair. Polyamory is just a different way of having a relationship it’s not something that needs to be hidden because really there is nothing wrong with it. Like anyone else I enjoy talking and debating about my choices and life. I want to be able to gush to my friends about the lovely romantic meal I had with Rick or the flowers Chris brought home. I want to be able to tell people why I’m so happy these days and I want to educate people who have misconceptions about polyamory. I have no regrets about telling the world and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
I knew someone who was polyamorous and it didn’t work, so polyamory doesn’t work?
My answer
I knew someone in a monogamous relationship and it didn’t work so monogamy doesn’t work. Think about what you are saying it’s not the relationship structure that didn’t’ work it is the relationship that didn’t work. Enough said.
There are perhaps a fair few more questions that I have been asked that I don’t remember or that I will be asked in the future but this is the just of it and these are the mains questions I get asked by people who are not already living this lifestyle. Other people who are already in situation like me usually have totally different questions because they have a much deeper understanding. I often get the same questions repeated by the same people over and over again (this is always a fun dinnertime conversation) and I get the same statements made over and over,
Yes I already know that you could never do this but why on earth did you had to tell me this 20 times in the last ten minutes?
Usually these types of debates in real life are interesting and almost fun; sometimes they are frustrating, and occasionally its just plain nasty. I can only hope that whoever actually read to the end of this entry learned something small about my life.
Jools
Very well put, hon.
ReplyDeleteI love you.
Rick