“Before the discovery of Australia, people in the old world were convinced that all swans where white, an unassailable belief as it seemed completely confirmed by empirical evidence. The sighting of the first black swan might have been an interesting surprise for a few ornithologists (and others extremely concerned with the color of birds) but that is not where the significance of the story lies. It illustrates a severe limitation to our learning from observation or experience and the fragility of our knowledge. One single observation can invalidate a general statement derived from millennia of confirmatory sightings of millions of white swans. All you need is one single (and I am told, quite ugly) black bird” Nassim Nicolas Taleb
Do we live to please other people?
It was a question posed to me during the week and it got me thinking.
I would like to think I don’t live to please other people. I pride myself on not being one of the sheep, following the crowd and doing what’s expected off me. To an extent I don’t. I’m righteous about doing my own thing no matter how controversial or peculiar. I do nonetheless have to concede that every now and then I do something that goes against my own gut intuition of what I want and what is right and wrong because of anxiety regarding other people’s reactions.
Why do people care so much about what other people think? Why do I care what other people think? It makes some sense when it’s someone close but it seems to be entrenched in our society to care what the majority think. It’s why we end up with social norms that make little or no sense. It’s why people do crazy things like smoke cigarettes even though anyone trying a cigarette for the very first time must be acutely aware of how disgusting the smell, taste and how insanely bad for our health they are. It’s why we push and persecute people who don’t go along with the majority. We all like to think we are individualistic but it’s never that effortless. Being individual isn’t something that is usually rewarded in western society. In my opinion people have to fight for the privilege to be unique often getting labeled as mentally ill in the process.
Most of my life I’ve been fighting with myself and everyone else to do what I really want. It means I get a lot of grief. I was bullied at school because I generally did not conform. I didn’t care about wearing the trendy clothes, I was willing to say no to trying a cigarette, I often spoke up about stuff that just wasn’t acceptable or “normal” and so I was and am “the black sheep” It meant at school getting taunted constantly. This was not just from other teenage kids who didn’t know any better. I remember after having the courage to speak up about the bullying standing in the deputy heads office (a woman of around age 60) and her looking me up and down and telling me I brought it all on myself because I was knowingly acting different. “If I just tried to fit in a little better the bullying would stop and I’d have some friends”. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me and I should accept whatever bullying came my way.
School was never a happy place for me to be. Apart from being isolated and often physically kicked and punched. I had near to no friends in high school and the friends I did have where often happy to go along with the taunting if it meant they didn’t have to be taunted themselves. Nowadays the crowds may have changed and people are a little more subtle but things still stand as they where back then. I am not naive enough to believe that I am liked and instead I have come to the understanding that amongst most social groups I am merely tolerated.
The question is does this bother me? I think it does. There is always a very human fundamental part of me that wishes to be liked and yet I am willing to pay the price of feeling isolated for that little bit individuality that I can grasp. I feel like to be liked I’d have to give up being me and I’m not prepared or able to do that.
I could take the high and mighty stand now and say that here I am an individual and above or better than the rest of you because I choose not to conform to your shallow social limitations but I can’t because it’s not true. When I take a closer look at my life I AM conforming. Perhaps not as frequently as some but there are times I disappoint myself.
One example is hiding the fact I have a mental illness from most of my family. They know I’ve had some problems in the past but it’s not something we talk about and this is mainly because I know they would rather I was just normal and don’t want the stigma of having someone who has such an illness. I therefore have gone out my way to avoid them when things have been bad so that I don’t have to deal with feeling ashamed. I know logically I shouldn’t have to feel ashamed anymore so than if I had something physically wrong with me and yet I do. With friends and family I am mortified if something happens to make it obvious that I am going through a bad phase. I am intelligent enough to work out that this is simply because of how the majority are viewing mental illness.
Another example is when we came out about being polyamorous in the media we where given the opportunity to appear on a TV show (This Morning). I would have loved to do this, in-fact all 3 or us really wanted too. It seemed like a fantastic opportunity to talk about polyamory in the main stream and I was fairly confident that the show would allow us to show a balanced view of this lifestyle. Regrettably I had demands from my family to not do anymore interviews in the media because apparently it put them all to shame and they would have to leave the country and maybe even someone might die of shock if we went ahead and done anymore publicity about our wacky lifestyle. I was accused of “whoring myself out” to make money and it was put to me “why do you have to be so public why not do this behind closed doors”
Do I agree with any of that? NO! I would LOVE to take any opportunity to talk about polyamory and inform people as much as possible. Getting the issue on primetime TV is my idea of a dream come true because lets face it I like to talk about it a lot. I didn’t because I couldn’t deal with the repercussions. I want my family to like me so too please those people who seemed to be having a mini-breakdown I turned down that opportunity. I have since turned down a few more.
I can’t blame those people for stopping me because at the end of the day I should be able to stand up and do my own thing in spite of what they think. It is nobody’s fault but my own that we missed out on that chance. They are entitled to believe and feel the way they do as much as I am entitled to my way of thinking. There hang-ups have affected me enough that I’ve put the media stuff on hold for now but I am glad that I still have the nerve to live my life openly and honestly regardless of what other people say. The trouble is people are not going to accept polyamory or any other alternative way of thinking/being until enough people are actually out there doing it openly.
When I made the choice to come out about this to everyone it was with that in mind. The more people living in the closet, hiding there lifestyle like its something to be ashamed off the longer it will take to stop polyamorous people being disrespected and misunderstood. I knew that I was going to have judgments made about me when we told people I just hoped that I was right to put faith in my friends and family to see our little family for what it truly is (supportive and loving). As it stands about the only person in my family who even try’s to understand this is my Mum and she does try very hard. I am still intensely aware that she wishes I was just “normal like everyone else”. The older generations such as my Gran have given up on me completely. My 26th birthday was the only birthday that I haven’t received a card or phone call. My father and step Mum openly call me a whore. I have some close friends who barley speak to me now and one who said I would be a terrible mother if I continued to live my life this way. All of this hurts but it does not make me regret any part of how I have lived my life.
I came to terms with the fact that in order to live my life this way and be myself I will have to continue to be stigmatized and judged. I could spend many sleepless nights fretting what people think about me but I sleep sound in the knowledge that the 2 people I love most in the world think this is all perfectly fine and that’s Rick and Chris. I am perhaps a bit of an oddball, but I can conform like everyone else when the pressure gets too much. Perhaps I am lucky that I lack the social skills that would allow me to fit in nicely with any particular group because it meant I stopped trying and rather than live a life attempting to fit into the social norms I have found myself instead. At age 26 I can look back on my life and say that I truly feel I am making the most of it. I am aware when I am conforming and going against my own nature and that means as I get older and braver I will be able to conform less and less. I look forward to the places that will take me.
I would like to think I don’t live to please other people. I pride myself on not being one of the sheep, following the crowd and doing what’s expected off me. To an extent I don’t. I’m righteous about doing my own thing no matter how controversial or peculiar. I do nonetheless have to concede that every now and then I do something that goes against my own gut intuition of what I want and what is right and wrong because of anxiety regarding other people’s reactions.
Why do people care so much about what other people think? Why do I care what other people think? It makes some sense when it’s someone close but it seems to be entrenched in our society to care what the majority think. It’s why we end up with social norms that make little or no sense. It’s why people do crazy things like smoke cigarettes even though anyone trying a cigarette for the very first time must be acutely aware of how disgusting the smell, taste and how insanely bad for our health they are. It’s why we push and persecute people who don’t go along with the majority. We all like to think we are individualistic but it’s never that effortless. Being individual isn’t something that is usually rewarded in western society. In my opinion people have to fight for the privilege to be unique often getting labeled as mentally ill in the process.
Most of my life I’ve been fighting with myself and everyone else to do what I really want. It means I get a lot of grief. I was bullied at school because I generally did not conform. I didn’t care about wearing the trendy clothes, I was willing to say no to trying a cigarette, I often spoke up about stuff that just wasn’t acceptable or “normal” and so I was and am “the black sheep” It meant at school getting taunted constantly. This was not just from other teenage kids who didn’t know any better. I remember after having the courage to speak up about the bullying standing in the deputy heads office (a woman of around age 60) and her looking me up and down and telling me I brought it all on myself because I was knowingly acting different. “If I just tried to fit in a little better the bullying would stop and I’d have some friends”. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me and I should accept whatever bullying came my way.
School was never a happy place for me to be. Apart from being isolated and often physically kicked and punched. I had near to no friends in high school and the friends I did have where often happy to go along with the taunting if it meant they didn’t have to be taunted themselves. Nowadays the crowds may have changed and people are a little more subtle but things still stand as they where back then. I am not naive enough to believe that I am liked and instead I have come to the understanding that amongst most social groups I am merely tolerated.
The question is does this bother me? I think it does. There is always a very human fundamental part of me that wishes to be liked and yet I am willing to pay the price of feeling isolated for that little bit individuality that I can grasp. I feel like to be liked I’d have to give up being me and I’m not prepared or able to do that.
I could take the high and mighty stand now and say that here I am an individual and above or better than the rest of you because I choose not to conform to your shallow social limitations but I can’t because it’s not true. When I take a closer look at my life I AM conforming. Perhaps not as frequently as some but there are times I disappoint myself.
One example is hiding the fact I have a mental illness from most of my family. They know I’ve had some problems in the past but it’s not something we talk about and this is mainly because I know they would rather I was just normal and don’t want the stigma of having someone who has such an illness. I therefore have gone out my way to avoid them when things have been bad so that I don’t have to deal with feeling ashamed. I know logically I shouldn’t have to feel ashamed anymore so than if I had something physically wrong with me and yet I do. With friends and family I am mortified if something happens to make it obvious that I am going through a bad phase. I am intelligent enough to work out that this is simply because of how the majority are viewing mental illness.
Another example is when we came out about being polyamorous in the media we where given the opportunity to appear on a TV show (This Morning). I would have loved to do this, in-fact all 3 or us really wanted too. It seemed like a fantastic opportunity to talk about polyamory in the main stream and I was fairly confident that the show would allow us to show a balanced view of this lifestyle. Regrettably I had demands from my family to not do anymore interviews in the media because apparently it put them all to shame and they would have to leave the country and maybe even someone might die of shock if we went ahead and done anymore publicity about our wacky lifestyle. I was accused of “whoring myself out” to make money and it was put to me “why do you have to be so public why not do this behind closed doors”
Do I agree with any of that? NO! I would LOVE to take any opportunity to talk about polyamory and inform people as much as possible. Getting the issue on primetime TV is my idea of a dream come true because lets face it I like to talk about it a lot. I didn’t because I couldn’t deal with the repercussions. I want my family to like me so too please those people who seemed to be having a mini-breakdown I turned down that opportunity. I have since turned down a few more.
I can’t blame those people for stopping me because at the end of the day I should be able to stand up and do my own thing in spite of what they think. It is nobody’s fault but my own that we missed out on that chance. They are entitled to believe and feel the way they do as much as I am entitled to my way of thinking. There hang-ups have affected me enough that I’ve put the media stuff on hold for now but I am glad that I still have the nerve to live my life openly and honestly regardless of what other people say. The trouble is people are not going to accept polyamory or any other alternative way of thinking/being until enough people are actually out there doing it openly.
When I made the choice to come out about this to everyone it was with that in mind. The more people living in the closet, hiding there lifestyle like its something to be ashamed off the longer it will take to stop polyamorous people being disrespected and misunderstood. I knew that I was going to have judgments made about me when we told people I just hoped that I was right to put faith in my friends and family to see our little family for what it truly is (supportive and loving). As it stands about the only person in my family who even try’s to understand this is my Mum and she does try very hard. I am still intensely aware that she wishes I was just “normal like everyone else”. The older generations such as my Gran have given up on me completely. My 26th birthday was the only birthday that I haven’t received a card or phone call. My father and step Mum openly call me a whore. I have some close friends who barley speak to me now and one who said I would be a terrible mother if I continued to live my life this way. All of this hurts but it does not make me regret any part of how I have lived my life.
I came to terms with the fact that in order to live my life this way and be myself I will have to continue to be stigmatized and judged. I could spend many sleepless nights fretting what people think about me but I sleep sound in the knowledge that the 2 people I love most in the world think this is all perfectly fine and that’s Rick and Chris. I am perhaps a bit of an oddball, but I can conform like everyone else when the pressure gets too much. Perhaps I am lucky that I lack the social skills that would allow me to fit in nicely with any particular group because it meant I stopped trying and rather than live a life attempting to fit into the social norms I have found myself instead. At age 26 I can look back on my life and say that I truly feel I am making the most of it. I am aware when I am conforming and going against my own nature and that means as I get older and braver I will be able to conform less and less. I look forward to the places that will take me.
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