An observation on unrequited love
“Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as; "not reciprocated or returned in kind."
I am no saint. I do not deny that I appreciate a bit of male attention. It’s nice to feel wanted. It’s natural to desire being attractive to the opposite sex (or even the same sex) depending on preference. It’s flattering and an ego boost to find out someone is romantically interested particularly if the feeling is mutual, but…
What happens when it’s not mutual? What if the person that you find falling in love with you is not someone you love back? Perhaps it’s a friend or acquaintance but not a potential lover? It may be someone you do have feelings for but for one reason or another you know that you are very unlikely to ever be able to respond. The boost to the ego is still gratifying and it’s tempting to keep that person around as you’re very own personal confidence enhancer. They can become a bit like a drug. You don’t want them but you can’t let them go and you don’t want anyone else to have them ether. So, you keep then hanging on for as long as possible feeling secretly guilty about your own lack of interest or ability to respond but making excuses why your behavior is acceptable.
This can happen in any set up (a man can do this to a woman as much as a woman can do this to a man). From my personal perspective I have seen the woman using this more often than the men and so I will use that as my example but that does not mean that I am unaware that it can work the other way around.
I have seen a couple of friends go through this recently and it got me thinking. At first I was instantly judgmental about any woman who is using someone’s feelings to stroke her self-esteem but then I decided to think deeper and try to understand. I also wanted to evaluate what I do in these situations and by doing that I realised that there have been times when I was tempted to keep an admirer hanging on for the sake of my ego. I remember being told by someone that I had never considered romantically that he loved me. He was a very sweet and lovely man but I knew that I would never look at him in the same way he was looking at me. I saw him as a friend and nothing more. That did not stop me feeling thrilled that he was looking and part of me was secretly very happy that someone wanted me. I had to admit there was at first the temptation to not be 100 percent clear with him that I did not want more. This was not a conscious thing it was only in hindsight that I can see the situation more clearly.
There was a temptation to give him some hope so that he wouldn’t give up and at first that’s exactly what I did. It was not conscious because consciously I believed that I was being very clear about the fact I did not feel the same. Verbally I told him in a sensitive yet clear way that the feelings where not mutual. He gracefully accepted my words and we carried on with our “friendship”. However the other cues I was giving him where confusing. For example, my body language around him was ambiguous. I was a little more open to touch than I should have been. There was some innocent flirting, nothing major and nothing so obvious that he could later turn around and accuse me of leading him on but just enough that he kept hanging around hoping.
This only went on for a few weeks before I was able to be self aware enough to know what I was doing and realise that it was hurtful to him in the long run. It was cruel and I decided to take a major step back. That was easier said than done because as soon as I tried to take that step back it became painfully obvious to me just how much I was playing along with him. The part of me that was seeking approval and love was also reluctant to let him go and that made it easy to justify certain behavior. I made tons of excuses such as it was just friendship, I was just being playful, I was letting him down gently but the bottom line was as soon as I realised that his feelings where more than my own the rules changed and it was MY responsibility to respond to him in a way that made MY feelings clear. My job to make sure he didn’t hang on hoping and my job to take care of our friendship. He had been brave enough to open up and tell me he wanted more I needed to have enough respect to let him know that was not what I wanted and that meant not just verbally telling him but really telling him. It meant a change in the friendship for a significant amount of time, maybe indefinitely. It was strange at first but ultimately if I had any kind of regard for him as a person I would take that step back and allow him to move on.
The sad fact is that people who are selfish are rarely consciously aware of it. Usually they are not bad people. When we crave something as primal as wanting to be wanted and loved it’s not entering our everyday thinking. The urge is in us all deep down and most of us do have insecurity. It’s easy to allow that to drive us to extremes. I can’t sit and judge what these girls do because I am now aware that I could easily do the same myself. My perspective has only changed because I have sat on the other side of the fence with a close male friend. Seeing him broken hearted and crying because some girl is messing with his head has made me acutely aware off my own thoughts and actions.
The point is she is not even purposefully messing she is merely unaware of herself enough to know what she is doing. There will always be the part of her brain that craves his attention and love justifying her own actions and until someone is able to pierce that layer to get underneath there isn’t going to be a sudden awareness and sadly he as long as this continues he will have some hope that there is a chance for his feelings to be recuperated. I think what is worse than unrequited love is love that is ambiguous. When you are just not certain, not 100 percent sure that there is no chance because at least with the knowledge that there is no chance at all no matter how hurtful it is human instinct to try and move on but with hope and a few misleading signals this game can go on indefinably.
“Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as; "not reciprocated or returned in kind."
I am no saint. I do not deny that I appreciate a bit of male attention. It’s nice to feel wanted. It’s natural to desire being attractive to the opposite sex (or even the same sex) depending on preference. It’s flattering and an ego boost to find out someone is romantically interested particularly if the feeling is mutual, but…
What happens when it’s not mutual? What if the person that you find falling in love with you is not someone you love back? Perhaps it’s a friend or acquaintance but not a potential lover? It may be someone you do have feelings for but for one reason or another you know that you are very unlikely to ever be able to respond. The boost to the ego is still gratifying and it’s tempting to keep that person around as you’re very own personal confidence enhancer. They can become a bit like a drug. You don’t want them but you can’t let them go and you don’t want anyone else to have them ether. So, you keep then hanging on for as long as possible feeling secretly guilty about your own lack of interest or ability to respond but making excuses why your behavior is acceptable.
This can happen in any set up (a man can do this to a woman as much as a woman can do this to a man). From my personal perspective I have seen the woman using this more often than the men and so I will use that as my example but that does not mean that I am unaware that it can work the other way around.
I have seen a couple of friends go through this recently and it got me thinking. At first I was instantly judgmental about any woman who is using someone’s feelings to stroke her self-esteem but then I decided to think deeper and try to understand. I also wanted to evaluate what I do in these situations and by doing that I realised that there have been times when I was tempted to keep an admirer hanging on for the sake of my ego. I remember being told by someone that I had never considered romantically that he loved me. He was a very sweet and lovely man but I knew that I would never look at him in the same way he was looking at me. I saw him as a friend and nothing more. That did not stop me feeling thrilled that he was looking and part of me was secretly very happy that someone wanted me. I had to admit there was at first the temptation to not be 100 percent clear with him that I did not want more. This was not a conscious thing it was only in hindsight that I can see the situation more clearly.
There was a temptation to give him some hope so that he wouldn’t give up and at first that’s exactly what I did. It was not conscious because consciously I believed that I was being very clear about the fact I did not feel the same. Verbally I told him in a sensitive yet clear way that the feelings where not mutual. He gracefully accepted my words and we carried on with our “friendship”. However the other cues I was giving him where confusing. For example, my body language around him was ambiguous. I was a little more open to touch than I should have been. There was some innocent flirting, nothing major and nothing so obvious that he could later turn around and accuse me of leading him on but just enough that he kept hanging around hoping.
This only went on for a few weeks before I was able to be self aware enough to know what I was doing and realise that it was hurtful to him in the long run. It was cruel and I decided to take a major step back. That was easier said than done because as soon as I tried to take that step back it became painfully obvious to me just how much I was playing along with him. The part of me that was seeking approval and love was also reluctant to let him go and that made it easy to justify certain behavior. I made tons of excuses such as it was just friendship, I was just being playful, I was letting him down gently but the bottom line was as soon as I realised that his feelings where more than my own the rules changed and it was MY responsibility to respond to him in a way that made MY feelings clear. My job to make sure he didn’t hang on hoping and my job to take care of our friendship. He had been brave enough to open up and tell me he wanted more I needed to have enough respect to let him know that was not what I wanted and that meant not just verbally telling him but really telling him. It meant a change in the friendship for a significant amount of time, maybe indefinitely. It was strange at first but ultimately if I had any kind of regard for him as a person I would take that step back and allow him to move on.
The sad fact is that people who are selfish are rarely consciously aware of it. Usually they are not bad people. When we crave something as primal as wanting to be wanted and loved it’s not entering our everyday thinking. The urge is in us all deep down and most of us do have insecurity. It’s easy to allow that to drive us to extremes. I can’t sit and judge what these girls do because I am now aware that I could easily do the same myself. My perspective has only changed because I have sat on the other side of the fence with a close male friend. Seeing him broken hearted and crying because some girl is messing with his head has made me acutely aware off my own thoughts and actions.
The point is she is not even purposefully messing she is merely unaware of herself enough to know what she is doing. There will always be the part of her brain that craves his attention and love justifying her own actions and until someone is able to pierce that layer to get underneath there isn’t going to be a sudden awareness and sadly he as long as this continues he will have some hope that there is a chance for his feelings to be recuperated. I think what is worse than unrequited love is love that is ambiguous. When you are just not certain, not 100 percent sure that there is no chance because at least with the knowledge that there is no chance at all no matter how hurtful it is human instinct to try and move on but with hope and a few misleading signals this game can go on indefinably.
Jools
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