Popular Romance

I have been pondering over this subject for a while. Mostly how romance and romantic relationships are portrayed to us in different ways. How we think romance ought to be, what we are brought up to believe and what we see everywhere around us and more importantly what is it actually a healthy?

Think about the classic romantic comedy; take for example most movies with say Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts. They tend too depict romance in this typical fairytale, happily ever after kind of way, which if taken in the right context (as a piece of fiction that does not go deep enough to convey REAL relationships) is perfectly fine.



As bubble gum for the mind is perfectly ok but the trouble is people view these films and fairytales as the ideal way to conduct a relationship. Leading both men and woman to believe several things;

That once you find the one you don’t need to communicate because they will eventually just know exactly what you want, what’s bothering you and will telepathically know exactly what to do to fix it.
That you don’t even need to tell them how you feel in the first place because they will work it out without any clues.
That your partner will never make any mistakes that leave you hurt because in the romantic comedy world they should be perfect.
That is a charming romantic notion, how wonderful life would be if that where truly the case. In truth all relationships need work and communication. In real life people can and frequently do make mistakes. I understand the importance of trust but I also understand that if I am going to be with someone long term they will do something eventually to break it. It may be something I consider minor or it may be something heartbreaking and huge but the point is they will eventually make a mistake and I will have to decide if it’s something I can live with or not.

For me there are a few deal breakers but in general terms rather than just jump off at the first bump in the road I make a willful decision too work together, learn from past mistakes and accept that nobody is perfect. It’s served me and my partner(s) well. We are still together and more importantly we are still madly in love and consistent in communicating with each other.

IF the couples in these romantic films communicated then the film would be no more than ten minuets long. These movies are set to a formula to make money not to convey real life and real relationships and yet I know so many people who are still searching for that formula in real life. They are forever groping around in the dark jumping from one partner to another in the hope that eventually they will find that perfect one. What happens is as soon as they get past the luminance and the first rush of love settles down (when the real work begins) they suddenly see that they will have to put actual time and effort into keeping things healthy and they immediately assume that there is something wrong with that partner because if he/she was the one they wouldn’t need to communicate at all. I’ve heard the line “He should just know” or “if he was the one I wouldn’t have to ask him to give me…”

Another common myth brought about by society’s popular belief and highlighted in the movie world is the notion that love is easy to find and keep. That you will meet someone and instinctively know that they are the one and you will live happily ever after… Thinking about love this way influences people to act on impulse, to marry too young, and make poor choices. It is rare that romantic love is talked about in a more realistic way. That 2 people meet and then spend years having ups and downs but still nourishing, communicating and working together to make a healthy relationship. Perhaps they may not be the type of couple to have grand romantic gestures. Perhaps they don’t go down the traditional route and get married or maybe there relationship is somewhat alternative but there is still a very good chance they will outlast most other romantic relationships because no matter what the key really is making a conscious effort to connect and communicate habitually.

I remember the first time I fell in love at the age of 17. It seemed like everyone was against us. We where told repeatedly that it could not last because we where too young, too immature, too silly to be really be in love. I can understand where that advice came from but better advice would be to discuss how making a relationship work is hard work and perhaps some hints on how to build a strong relationship. Rather than just tell us its doomed from the start why not explain what makes them believe this. They are obviously assuming we are too young to be grown up enough to talk things through and put in the time and effort to keep things healthy but nobody was willing to tell us why and when we asked the only reason we got was that we where too young. I often found it amusing that the adults around me giving me this advice seemed to have no luck at all in there own romantic life. That first romance may not have lasted but it was intense and by chance we really did manage some good communication. It has continued to influence how my future relationships have worked.

I do not view this as a failed relationship. I find the idea that any relationship being a failure very difficult to comprehend. It is yet another notion that seems so popular. If the relationship doesn’t last forever then it failed.

So… a couple who have stayed together for 40 years and been unhappy for 30 but have trudged on making each other miserable and holding each other back are a success and a couple who had a happy ten years growing and learning together but start to have problems and decide before they hate each other that they had moved on from a romantic love have failed. (I know which couple I would rather have been a part off)

It is very clear that even those relationships that are short term or not forever and those that have changed from romantic to friendship or even completely ended are still important parts of my life. I cannot view them as failed. Even if I decide with a partner that the relationship is better taking a different form that romantic I am usually always open to the relationship continuing in another form (usually friendship) and I am self aware enough to understand that no matter how long a time that we where involved romantically that relationship and that person has brought something extra into my life and will influence my future.

Frequently people sneer at my romantic set up. It does not fit with the ideal view of how relationships ought to work. I am rebuffing the idea of finding the one and I am rejecting the common ideal of monogamy for life. I have been insulted many times by people telling me I cannot love ether of my partners because of the others existence and that somehow polyamory makes my relationships worth less than others because it doesn’t fit with what is supposed to happen.

What is not common knowledge is that I do believe in “the one” I do believe that fate will bring certain people into my life for a reason and that there are true loves out there for me that I am meant to find. I can be a very romantic person even if I reject the typical norms. I just do not believe there is only one person who is right for me or who is meant to be a part of my heart. I am open to following my heart and my gut and seeing where that takes me. So far that has taken me to finding 2 amazing long term partners and 1 friend and lover who has opened my eyes to a different kind of relationship. No romantic comedy, fairytale or story compares to what I have right now I couldn’t wish for anything more. Like most girls I can happily sit in front of a chick flick with a box of tissues but at the end of the day I can honestly say that it pales when compared to what I have in real life. Rather than fit my life into someone else’s fairytale I decided to create my own.

Jools