The ideal of absolute trust

The ideal of absolute trust

I hear it all over the place, my friends, my family, in the media, online and in various communities I’m involved with “if you don’t have trust then your relationship will fail!” Trust is the holy grail of all relationships.

However, what is trust? It seems to be this untouchable ideal that everyone not only aspires too but takes as necessity when conducting any close relationship. We want to be trusted, and we want to be around people who are trustworthy. It made me think, what it means to me. What am I really asking for and expecting in return? In fact is anyone really trustworthy?

I don’t believe in trust. That is not a popular outlook especially in the poly/non monogamous world. I hear from my peers that polyamory only works when you have trust and once trust is broken so is the relationship(s). I would like very much to be able to trust other people to live up to my expectations and do what I demand or wish but isn’t that opinion slightly narcissistic. It feels to me that giving out my expectations and then expecting people not to break them is like saying the world revolves around me and what I believe is more valuable. If everyone is doing this then it’s inevitable that somewhere down the line trust will be broken. Yet in the face of this ever longing for unadulterated integrity logic and experience dictate that in any long term relationship trust will be broken. It may be in a small insignificant way, or perhaps in a huge, heartbreaking, life altering way but trust at some point or other will be broken and the relationship tested.

I don’t trust anyone. No matter how much someone says the like, respect, even love me I do not take for granted that they will never hurt me. I know that I could never make the promise myself. No matter how much I love or care about them the chances are I will do something at some point that is hurtful to them. I might respect them as a person and I might even wish there happiness above my own but I am aware of my limits and I make oversights. In the past I have made choices that I later find out may not have been the best choice for myself or for my partners. I sometimes make decision on the spur of the moment and sometimes those decisions are based on my own wants and needs without enough consideration for others. It can be accidental, sometimes there isn’t enough time for me to consider every possibility, other times I may give in to jelousy, lust or any number of overwhelming emotions that can cloud my judgement. I want to be a good person I strive to do my best but I learn as I go the same as anybody else. The blunders I do make I try not to think about as mistakes because those are the things I learn the most from. It’s those “mistakes” that usually lead to a growth in my own personal development and the growth of my relationship(s).

Obviously everyone has deal breakers (things that they will not accept as part of any relationship). Violence and abuse for me would be a deal breaker. Finding out one of my partners likes to hurt animals or small children would be a deal breaker. There is also a line between understanding someone will make mistakes and letting someone be completely disrespectful. There are times when relationships come to a natural end but there are also times when this ideal of trust impedes people from learning and growing. Adultery is a good example of this. Many people have affairs its far more common than most people give credit and usually after the person is caught the generic advice is to end the relationship because “the trust has been broken” It is of course personal choice if one can forgive but I think people are far too quick to end relationships because a partner has strayed. An additional not so accepted attitude is that relationships can recover from infidelity and can even become stronger. Even when the party’s in that relationship decide they want to stay monogamous it is possible that once they learn what caused the breakdown of communication that led to the infidelity they can become a far stronger couple when things finally get resolved. It’s just not popular to admit you took a cheating spouse back and so those people who do forgive and forget do not often speak openly about the experience. It is understandable to have limits on what you will accept from a partner be that friend or lover but it is also constructive to ask ourselves if those margins are fair.

I let go of the idea of trust a long time ago. In my close relationships now I do not take anything for granted. I am very clear about what my limits are and try to make no promises in the heat of the moment that I know I will not be able to keep long term. I think often the idea of trust is used in a restrictive manner. It sets limits on what a person can and cannot do and it is often hard to change those limits without feeling guilty about breaking trust. So, even before an action is taken the word trust is pulled out the bag before any real communication can take place. Once the ideal of absolute trust is put to one-side and people start to concede that nobody is going to live up to there personal expectations it gives far more room for growth and understanding.

Trust is not one dimensional; it’s knotted with human emotion making it a very powerful concept. Letting go of this principle of unconditional trust has allowed me to go back over my long term relationship(s) with fresh eyes. It’s given me the fortune to let go of the guilt for hurting others and let go of the anger when I’ve been the one hurting. It has also reminded me why we stuck together in the first place. So often all the good times are overlooked because of one or two mistakes that have “broken trust”. Suddenly the relationship is about to fail because everyone believes that something significant has been lost. However because people aren’t perfect and will make mistakes anyway nothing really has been lost the broken trust is just a reminder that the relationship is something that needs nurture. It’s like a kick in the backside to remind us that we need to keep talking. In theory I agree trust is a lovely ideal in reality there is so much more to it and it’s worth letting go of that belief and striving for acceptance and understanding instead.

I may have decided to stop viewing trust as something everyone should take for granted and may have decided that I don’t feel the need to trust at all but what I gain in return is faith. Faith that my partners will try and do the best for me and faith that they will forgive me when I mess up in the same way that I strive to forgive them. It’s liberating to stop trying to make them into perfect people or lovers and instead love them for there flaws as well as there merits.